through the looking glass

Courage, they say,  is not the absence of fear , but the triumph over it. 

If you have been following my blog, then I am pretty certain you have a general feeling already that I am not “all right” up there.  I’ve probably been dropped too much when I was a baby that I am easily suspicious and afraid of being hurt. It does not help also that I have always carried in me a feeling of abandonment and neglect from my parents.  I must confess that if I were to judge myself critically, I can say I am pretty mental.  Mental enough to admit even to myself that I want my madness to stop.

This is not an epiphany that came to me in the middle of night. I have known for more than a decade that despite the mental strength I possess, parts of me have been scarred so badly from emotional trauma but were not given time to heal before new wounds were inflicted on it again thus leaving my brain so broken. I  had wished that the trauma and the anxiety that goes with it will diminish over time or I will out grow the fears and the pain but it hasn’t and now it’s something I have to face.

Facing this has not been easy. It has been months now that I have been contemplating of going to a mental health doctor and all because after each fight I had with  Bit made me see how irrational I am with my jealousy, fears, suspicions and doubts. If I was able to cut off my relationship before it gets to the point of no return well now that I am married I am not able to do that anymore. Now, I have to man up to the job and get my act straight because this is what marriage is. I love my  Band I will everything it takes to make him happy. He is one of the reasons why I want to be better.

So come Monday I get to see a mental doctor. Get my diagnosis and hopefully get a treatment. Maybe just maybe if I have a name of what I have I can understand myself better and when I am rational I can train my mind to avoid situations that trigger my defense mechanisms and when I am in the thick of things I can pull my mind out of the rut that makes me cruel and insensitive.