The diagnosis given to me by the doctor at the Mental Health Services clinic last Monday was something  not new to me. All these years I have known that I have been living with Borderline Personality Disorder. I first came upon this disorder when I was dating a guy who had a medical background of some sort (don't ask me what as I have long forgotten already) and he said after a few dates that I was "difficult to handle" and I should consider seeking help for my BPD. I remember though that I felt shock then rage for what he told me not realizing that he was right all along. My friends started noticing my self-inflicted pains, my moods that swung like a pendulum, and then they finally sent me off to a shrink when I failed in an overdose..

Let me tell you, it was an "a-ha!" moment when I finally found out I have BPD. I felt a sense of relief that finally I am able to understand why I do what I do and why I think the way I do. Why it was hard to make friends and keep relationships. Why did I push people but inside I want them to stay. How I can feel such deep love yet be consumed by profound rage simultaneously. And it helped me see why I cut myself. I was able to move past the desire to harm myself in order to feel something. But the depression, anxiety, the  black and white thinking, the emotions the emotions the damn emotions stayed. I was starting to be better in keeping relations but at the same time I know that I was just hiding from them how bad I was because I didn't want them to judge me. If they knew how bad I really am, then I'm certain they will make fun of me and leave.

There's the stigma that come with the knowledge of being afflicted with a mental illness. Mental illness runs in my mother's side and I remember how they mocked my uncle who seemed to have lost his marbles. I didn't want to be defined by what I have so I thought if I worked hard enough and I become nice enough then people will start liking me and I can pass as a "normal" person. Most of all, no one needs to know that I have BPD. No one.

There are no secrets that time does not reveal. No secrets that can be kept from the people we love. After being with  B for more than than three years, the real D started seeping through the façade I have created. We fought more often and my insecurities were getting the best of me. Getting married only made it worse as I realized there is no turning back, I become a sitting duck to pain and rejection in case he cheats on me or realizes I am crazy and leaves for someone better. When I am most rational I see how I was recently irrational and I know that  B is slowly wondering where was the vibrant, confident, laughing woman he fell in love the first time.

And that was why I sought help. Now I am ready to face the skeletons in my closet and exorcise the ghosts of my past. I know it is not easy. I know there is no cure. I know that medication will not work (as I've tried it before). It's not going to be cheap also but I am hopeful that I will be better and I can live a life not burdened by so much emotions. I wish though that  B will not get tired of me and that he will develop the necessary skills to support me. And I hope he won't call me 'crazy'.

[

For more reading about BPD:

• Dialetical Behavior Therapy (DBT) for Borderline Personality Disorder
• My Wife is Not Her [Borderline Personality] Disorder
• The Mystery of Borderline Personality Disorder

Today is my 33rd birthday. And because I have Facebook, I have been greeted by fifty-six people already, quite a feat prior to my having a social networking account! I wonder what would happen to birthdays and all those special holidays and life events if Facebook was not invented by Mark Zuckerberg. 

Because I am Filipino, I dread birthdays. It's that day in a year where you are coerced to treat your friends because it's your birthday... as if you owe them for your birth thus "treat them". I think that is the stupidest thing ever! First of all, if they are really my friends, then they should have the balls to treat me instead of the other way around after all it is MY birthday. Second, not everyone has the financial capability to treat all their friends. And lastly, if you can only afford to treat say 3 of your ten friends how will you choose the three without offending the rest. So because of this stupid mentality, I have opted to hide on my birthday and do whatever I wanna do.

Now I am in Canada and the norm for birthdays is different by a hundred eighty degrees. People pay for your dinner or dessert or at least pay for their own meals. And if you get to be invited in a house party you gotta bring your own liquor and a gift. The least you can do is get birthday card to the one who's invited you. 

But I don't hassle people with a party at the middle of the week. My husband isn't here to bring me out to dinner (and pay for it). I dislike the idea that they are also going to think about a present or a card or be inconvenienced by that day in my life that marks me a year older. If tables were turned I don't mind getting them a gift, but because I am in the receiving end I choose to keep things low. This birthday I'll stay in the house and patter around. 

In a few hours this will be over. I'm a year older and hopefully I'll be a year wiser.

I love my little hole in the Internet.

Even though it’s been …let’s see…  "too long" seems to be the appropriate number. And to answer a few questions: No, I have not conceived and given birth with the amount of time I haven't blogged and Yes, I did go thru some life changing events.

Believe me when I say, I feel guilty for not blogging. It's like forgetting-to-pick-up-your-own-kid-in-school-guilty that a lot of instances I have thought of shutting down this blog coz I can be a coward sometimes. And  Bhasn't been helpful either as he never ceases to point at the obvious whenever he checks on my blog. It's not as if I have bajillion followers who go to this puny space in the world wide web to get their daily fix of bitchy me, but even if I know it's probably just a handful of people who check my blog and read my rants posts either lacks the passion to write most things that goes thru my life or I tend to protect my privacy so much.

Anyway. To give a run down of the things that happened the past nine months here is a list of what happened (in no particular order):

|I got married!!! Yay! Got hitched to my best friend  Bso I am now a Missus! It's still something I am getting used to since were still physically separated by a huge land mass. 

|I am now a Canadian immigrant. That was something of a close call actually. I didn't know that I had to stay single until I do my landing in Canada or they'll cancel my immigrant status. God is gracious in my life though and I was able to process my landing 2 days before our wedding.

|Celebrated Christmas. I have a surrogate Filipino family (they're actually the parents of my landlord) and this past Christmas was so far the best Christmas I've celebrated with them since I've moved in this place. Plus, I learned to bake Ube Macapuno Cake. 

|No Philippine trip.  B and I was really hoping to go to the Philippines after our wedding but since I had to process my landing and I wasn't sure if my passport was going to make it in time for our vacation, we opted to postpone our trip until after I move in with him.

|Lost two friends. One was because I chose not to deal with the drama. The second was because she didn't treat me as friend... it was a one way street.

|Moved to a different store. Ah, that's all I can say about work.

|Restarted an herb garden. Just five herb  varieties this time and primarily on those I really use. I am just confused with my sage though... coz the leaves don't look like anything in the pictures I see online.

So there it is... the past nine months (without the stress). My birthday is happening in two days. I'm stoked! This year so much has happened and so much more things are bound to... I just hope I'd have the tenacity to take time and blog about it.

A few days ago, I watched as my manager was about to get another pair of the least selling product to stock her area, and even before her gloved fingers touched it I told her not to get it explaining production is slow and I want to keep wastage to a minimum. She looked at me incredulously and in a joking manner retorted, “You control everything!” I grinned and said, “I know. If I didn’t you’d be fuming about our daily waste”. As I walked away her words still echo in my head. And instead of being angry I felt a confounded sense of validation to her statement. And this validation was met with a realization that my desire to always be in control which used to be my greatest strength has now turned against me.

In one my coaching sessions with my former mentor, he told me that I have a Type A Red (or Choleric) personality. I laughed but asked if it was wrong but felt I’m right. That itself gave proof that I am a Type A Red, a control freak, a perfectionist and worst of all it goes hand in hand with codependency... a boon to any business but a curse to any form of intimate relationship. So a few days ago I started reading on my personality type and below is an excerpt from Wikipedia alone---

Vulnerability

"Control freaks" or "perfectionists"[4] can be seen as defending themselves against inner vulnerabilities, as with the man who was "a dominating control freak because of his mistaken belief that if he wasn't in control, he would re-experience his childhood angst".[5] Such a figure will "cajole, wheedle, pressurise, get 'difficult' all the time, to get his own way. He's always behaving like a puppet-master, tying strings on other people … because he can't bear to be changed himself".[6] Similarly, a woman who 'is not grounded either in her own imagery or her own musculature … finds her identity in power over (sometimes called love of) her body, her family, her friends, her garden … Without that control, she is nobody'.[7] When such a control freak pattern is broken, 'the Controller is left with a terrible feeling of powerlessness … But feeling their pain and fear brings them back to themselves.[8]

Control freaks have been linked to codependents, in the sense that "codependency stems from a deep-rooted fear of abandonment, which leads to an excessive need to control and dominate … to control others because they fear they cannot control themselves".[9] Recovery entails recognising that being "a control freak … kept me in codependency, and pushed people away from me. To grow out of controlling, we learn to be, instead of do".[10]

In terms of personality-type theory, "the Control Freak … is very much a Type A … driven [by a] need to be in control".[11]

Type A

The theory describes a Type A individual as ambitious, aggressive, business-like, controlling, highly competitive, impatient, preoccupied with his or her status, time-conscious, and tightly-wound. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving "workaholics" who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence.

In his 1996 book, Type A Behavior: Its Diagnosis and Treatment, Friedman suggests that Type A behavior is expressed in three major symptoms: free-floating hostility, which can be triggered by even minor incidents; time urgency and impatience, which causes irritation and exasperation; and a competitive drive, which causes stress and an achievement-driven mentality. The first of these symptoms is believed to be covert and therefore less observable, while the other two are more overt.[3]

Choleric

A person who is choleric is a do-er. They have a lot of ambition, energy, and passion, and try to instill it in others. They can dominate people of other temperaments, especially phlegmatic types. Many great charismatic military and political figures were choleric. They like to be leaders and in charge of everything. They can be very manipulative.

I am citing only one source. And before anyone says I am self-diagnosing and it is unhealthy let me reassure you that it’s all good because the fact of the matter is what I’ve read I can affirm as what I do and how I act and the way I think and feel. Perhaps not all of them are real (such as being brand conscious or saying no to coupons) but I’d say nine out of ten of the information I have searched online is true. Now going back to the discussion on hand, having such a complex personality I want to give kudos to everyone who’s still my friend and moreso to  B who’s never quit on me. I mean really... I am such a spoilsport and anyone who’d be around me would feel so oppressed I’d kill me if I was in a relationship with myself.

I am self-centered and egotistical, I tend to neglect the fact other people have feelings, I am very sensitive to criticism and losing control of a situations revive the skeletons in my closet. I look rude, arrogant, and pushy. I cut off people mid sentence and tend to give ultimatums. And I don’t think I have to state it but since we’re in a ball right now I’ll mention the fact that I have intense anger issues.

Even typing my faults now makes me want to just look for the nearest hole and let the earth eat me up. I mean really! They said 15% of the population has a personality type similar to mine but my question is, how do we live with ourselves?! But being the Type A Red that I am, my motivation has shifted on how to become better. How do you not become an asshole? Since I’ve realized how much of a killjoy I am, it only galvanizes my desire to work on my behaviour first then my feelings. It means I have to learn to chill without a pill, unlearn impatience, let things slide, accept wishy-washy people, give more hugs, smile more. And those are just a few of the things I need to accomplish on a moment by moment basis.

Such hard work! The consolation is at least I realize this now before it’s too late. Personally, the idea of learning to de-stress makes me a bit stressed already. I think my unrolled yoga mat will be a permanent fixture in my room from now on.

Unless you have been visiting the Himalayas and not able to get an internet connection or for some reason you haven’t been watching the news because you’ve been busy elsewhere or maybe you’re not in the same country as I am then you wouldn’t have known about the sixteen year old who was gang raped at a rave party over the weekend at Pitt Meadows, BC.

Yeah. A sixteen year old was gang raped at a rave party over the weekend at Pitt Meadows, BC. In particular circumstances, the victim usually goes to her parents to help her report the crime to the police if not her go to cops directly. But based on the news reports the cops were able to learn about the rape only the following day after another teen saw the photos on Facebook, printed them and brought them to police.

Apparently another sixteen year old was present while the teenage girl was being assaulted and took photos, shared them with friends via cellphone and the pictures were eventually posted in Facebook. Now, no degree or level of education will deter from pointing out that there is seriously something wrong with the moral compass of these children.

As a rape victim, I can empathize with the horrendous ordeal she is going through. It is not easy to move forward to and it is not something one ever forgets. But to have her photos during her abuse be viewed, shared, saved, and reposted numerous times is like reliving the incident again and again. Every time someone views this images she is judged, she is pitied, she is raped all over again by voyeurs and the mini-feed that Facebook has makes her life fodder for more unnecessary tabloid. To say that what they have done (rape) is disgusting, morally corrupt and criminal those who have spread her pictures and made it viral in the internet to be visually consumed by all forms of people makes it vile, cruel, and makes her horrendous ordeal seeming trite.

I don't know which is more difficult. To have your pictures taken while you are drugged and being sexually assaulted and have it posted in the biggest social networking site in the entire world OR have the same people who posted it, people who do not know the victim, people who are “friends” of the victim made comments in Facebook about the sex assault victim being a willing participant to the hellish experience. Seriously! I speak for all women when I state: WE DO NOT WANT TO BE RAPED! WE ARE NOT WILLING PARTICIPANTS TO SEXUAL ASSAULT! AND WE DIE IN SHAME WHEN WE ARE VICTIMIZED BY ANY FORM OF ASSAULT! BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT SOCIETY WILL SAY IT’S OUR FAULT, WE HAD IT COMING, THAT WE WANTED IT DONE TO US. These people that say she voluntarily wanted to be assaulted (despite physical and medical evidence disproving their bold claims) talk as if they were not born from a woman... if it happened to their mother or their sister I bet they'd whine and whimper and cry foul.

I am angry. For the heinous assault that reflects the rotten core of our permissive society. For how easily a social networking site can be used as another form of bullying and assault. For how parents nowadays kowtow to their children’s whims rather than impose order and provide a God-based direction for them to follow. For the double standards we are using against people and fooling ourselves that we are much better than the rest. For our self-centered society has lost its moral compass.

We have learned to fly to the moon but our characters have plummeted to the pits of hell. We have worked on saving the planet but more souls are dying from immorality. We have learned to use quick fixes to remedy problems that require long term solutions. We have learned to love ourselves so much that we’ve lost the ability to love others and behave in a dignified manner towards are fellow human beings.

Somehow despite the technological advances of the 21st century human beings regressed and eliminated the humane side of our beings that we are now simply just “man”. It’s about time to re-establish our ethical boundaries that we’ve crossed and instead of just harping about it, living it in our homes and in our own lives.

A lot of men think that women are confusing. Being born from a woman, raised by a woman, and disciplined by a woman you would think that majority of the opposite sex would have even a slight inkling of the Venusian language and ways. But of course they don’t.

This list is NOT a list of universal truths about all women. It’s a list of universal truths about me. And this list is not complete. And I don’t plan to complete it. Hopefully, when you’re done reading you have a better understanding of the D language and ways.

1. I mean what I say, especially how I feel towards you.

2. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

3. I’m terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.

4. I get turned on simply by seeing you go online and get a message from you.

5. I expect you to call me. Not all the time, of course. But don’t only just text me.

6. Only rockstars are allowed to wear leather pants and women to wear skinny jeans.

7. I’m scared of losing my independence.

8. I’m much more forgiving of you than I really should be.

9. Mind blowing oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. So is a nice girlie bag.

10. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I’m not. (see above)

11. You look hot in hooded clothing items.

12. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.

13. I’m not impressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.

14. I’m in heaven when you hold my hand.

15. And you turn me to putty when touch my face softly.

16. You're sexy when you're laughing, shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.

17. I never get tired of hearing how you feel about me, no matter how often you say it.

18. Surprise gifts especially for me = loving

19. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.

20. And when you constantly take me forgranted I will starting looking...

21. I like how candid you are answering my questions.

22. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.

23. I love it when you're sweaty.

24. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.

25. I expect you to always greet me with kisses.

26. If I buy you something and you don’t like it, tell me so I have a better knowledge of your preference.

27. But I would prefer you just hug me, touch me, and tell me how much you can’t live without me.

28. I don't only expect great sex from you, I also expect great conversations with you.

29. When I tell you something I am not happy about within our relationship, I expect that you will listen and find a solution with me.

30. When you ask me things about me, it makes me feel valued. Even if I feel a bit wary that you are getting too close to hurt me.

31. I won’t make a mess in your place. I expect you not to at my place. If you do, clean up your own mess.

32. If/when we have a joint bank account, I expect transparency between our expenses and financial goals. After all, it takes me and you to make it a joint account.

33. Your clear view of a future with me endears you to me more.

34. I start getting bored with you when you stop wooing me.

35. If I happen to be fresh off a girls’ night out liquored up and ready for sex, which you’re refusing, tread extra carefully.

36. When you screw up, you expect me to tell it to you - once. So do I when I screw up.

37. I get overly sensitive and irritable a couple of days before my girl thing. I would appreciate it if you would be extra patient.

38. I don’t like wearing a lot of make-up or baring clothes. Get used to it.

39. A random unexpected grope is always welcome, even in public.

40. Make me laugh and I’d want to hang around.

41. I appreciate that you want to “help” by solving my problems. But I can solve most of my problems, thank you very much.

42. I expect you to eat what I cook. If you don’t like it, don’t tell me while we’re at the table.

43. When I cry, don’t water it down. If you can’t deal with it, then tell me straight out.

44. Know how, when, and where when you want to tell me what to do.

45. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys me popcorn when we're just going to the movies.

46. Don’t even start imagining a future with me if you lie.

47. Even if you are lying to make me feel good.

48. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...

49. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.

50. I remember everything about our relationship.

51. You should know all this and more without my telling you.

Secrets, everyone has them. No matter how candid you are people keep secrets. I don’t know what the reasons are, but usually it’s rooted from deep-seated fears and insecurities. But there are also some things we do, think, or say that sets us apart and makes us unique. And then now and then a trend happens in the internet or specifically in Facebook/Friendster where you answer a list of questions. I’ve read those notes, those posts, and those shout outs. And while some questions have almost gotten me to copy and paste it with my answers and tag it to my 197 “friends”, I haven’t really done it because I find the entire process meandering. Since the questions listed in these posts are posed in a hypothetical manner I find the answers shallow and irrelevant in my desire to know that person more. I still want to quench people’s curiosity of the real me, so I made my own list. Of course if you know me, you know I am not much of a follower and most times do things differently.

Everything you will read here is true, whether if be funny, sad, painful, shocking... it’s all me. If you view me a lesser person or a lesser woman after reading it, I can take it. If you view me much the same or more *insert compliment here*, let me know please so I can thank you.

1. I find it easier to trust others than myself.

2. But at times I am quick to judge people as well.

3. There had been one point in my life when I shaved my head.

4. I had been cheated on before.

5. It was at that point when my cheating ex shook me so hard and my head banged on the wall that I became physically violent.

6. I've learned to master being apathetic rather than get angry because of that. Even if I can justify it as protecting myself, the thought of me enjoying shooting him with a gun that moment horrified me.

7. I've always felt the odd one in my family. That feeling was so strong that when I was six I asked my mother if I was adopted.

8. I have no baby pictures. My older sister has a special baby album, my brother has special baby albums, my youngest sister has so many putting it in an album is impossible.

9. I'm still afraid to ask my parents why I don't have baby pictures. It's what they say that I fear.

10. I long to find my half-brother and build a strong relationship with him.

11. I was proposed to twice. The first one I said no. The second one I said yes but did not push through, obviously.

12. I sleep naked. Unless my sister sleeps beside me.

13. I'm messy. But like most messy people, there is order in my mess.

14. When I say "I love you" I don't expect the person to say "I love you" back.

15. I say "I love you" even if I know for a fact my love is unrequited.

16. Dancing on top of my bed wearing only undies is my way of relaxing.

17. I love challenges.

18. But I'm learning to be smart which challenges to accept.

19. I can smoke a joint, but only if I want to. Which is rare.

20. Out of the handful serious relationships I had I only introduced one guy to my parents. It was embarassing to reveal to them after a month that we broke up because he was cheating on me.

21. I gave my graduation speech in Filipino even if I'm more fluent in english.

22. I'm afraid of having babies. I fear being worse than my mother as a mother.

23. Despite my fear of raising children, I want to have some.

24. Only once did I cry because of frustration with my boss.

25. I've learned that God does not say "because I said so" when I ask Him "why".

26. I feel shame that I can't put my faith in God the same way a kid trusts her dad.

27. Break ups and boys don't make me cry anymore.

28. But beautiful love stories do.

29. I've lost some friends because of owed money they didn't repay and refuse to account for.

30. I have the gift of discernment.

31. Many times though I didn't heed it because I often give people the benefit of the doubt. In the end, my initial perception had always been correct.

32. I get angry when people whine and say they had no choice to justify their wrongful actions.

33. I had begged to be loved once. I lost my self-respect and decided no guy is worth losing my self respect for.

34. I had never been bothered by what people think of me. It's what I think of myself that matters most.

35. I don't believe that you can learn to love someone.

36. Neither do I believe in love at first sight.

37. I am fond of many places but I don't have any one particular place I can consider "home".

38. Finding out I acquired herpes was the hardest phase in my life.

39. Revealing it to a guy I really like is the most difficult.

40. Before writing #38, only my family and four other people knew about it. It was a my dark and twisted secret.

41. Writing about it now is like being released from bondage. People will tattle or be disgusted and some will pity and I can’t have sex anymore. But it’s not the end of the world.

42. I'm a kid at heart.

43. It wasn't until my older sister went to university that I felt a strong desire to bond with her.

44. I used to cut classes so I can pursue my job as a dj.

45. I believe that everyone is superficial as much as everyone lies. They just vary in degrees.

46. I used to hate that my older sister is always right.

47. Saying "I'm sorry" is not easy for me.

48. But when I say it I actually mean it.

49. There are times I get tired of being a strong person.

50. I cheated once in High School. Shame was there. But pride has kept me from repeating it.

51. The fact that I’m a very good liar scares me.

52. Being single and not in a relationship does not bother me. The people who pick on my being single and not in a relationship does.

53. Talking to me condescendingly pisses me off.

54. Cello is my favorite musical instrument.

55. When someone tells me a secret, I forget what they shared so I won’t tell.

56. I am grossed by snakes. I will not buy or even touch anything that looks like snake skin. Even if it’s an imitation.

57. I am anal-retentive about my cooking. Telling me how to do it when I don’t ask for your advice is one of my pet peeves.

58. The last time I watched a horror movie I hyperventilated.

59. Oftentimes, I had always been mistaken as a hooker when I was working at the call center.

60. I don’t eat breakfast.

62. I would rather have cold juice in the morning than coffee.

63. I eat like a guy but my body does not give justice to the copious amounts of food I ingest.

64. Music is an integral part of my life. So much that there is always a song in my head and I can’t help myself at times to sing it aloud.

65. For a time I dabbled on theater.

66. I am not a registered voter in the Philippines. I find the politics there too dirty and the politicians deceitful that I will not waste my time, energy, and trust on those scums.

67. I am not homophobic.

68. I don’t say “I love you (too)” unless I mean it.

69. I’ve always been passionate in helping people.

70. Despite my competitiveness, I don’t vie for the medal or glory. I derive pleasure from outwitting the competition.

71. I used to dislike my name.

72. It’s the challenge of the job or project that drives me, not the salary and never the praise from my superiors.

73. I have to put a lot of effort in focusing on what I am doing because I get distracted easily.

74. Even if I’m drunk I can recall events and conversations that happened during my drunken state.

75. I am very good with my hands (yes, that statement is very very loaded).

76. It never concerns me when people say I look older than my older sister.

77. I used to be very depressed when I was a kid that at one point I almost committed suicide.

78. I can admit that therapy worked for me.

79. I am very loyal to my friends, but also frank.

80. When it comes to my family, I walk away when they say mean or cause me pain rather than fight back.

81. For everyone else, I would give them a piece of my mind.

82. I don’t ask ridiculous questions like “Am I fat?”or “What are you thinking?”

83. I still giggle.

84. Me dying young is more appealing than old, wrinkly, and being incontinent.

85. I appreciate it when people correct me if I’m wrong even if how they say it sometimes stings.

86. I can’t tolerate incompetent people.

87. Like everything in this world I believe nothing lasts, including love.

88. I stopped playing tennis for some time because I was afraid only my right arm will be tone and muscular. Silly, I know.

89. I get bored with men who don’t know what a “conversation” is.

90. When a guy says I’m hot the first thing that comes in my mind is “I know, tell me something else” I don’t say it though because I know men first appreciate looks.

91. Self-righteous Born Again Christians has turned me off from religion.

92. Despite having a lot of gay friends, my gay-dar is broken.

93. I’m not a perfectionist, I am detail-oriented.

94. I am very good at accounting.

95. I am not a writer. I can’t string words into eloquent sentences as my younger sister. But I write because that’s how I process my thoughts.

96. My spoon, fork and knife has to match when I eat.

97. I have only felt hatred to a singular person in my life. My rapist.

98. Despite the many hurts inflicted on me, I can still absolve people from the hurts they’ve given.

99. I am an optimistic realist. I hope to get and keep something or someone I really really like, but I won’t feel any spite if I don’t.

100. I keep on learning, relearning, and unlearning. It’s how I become better.

101. Writing this post is the hardest I've written so far. Maybe it will be the hardest I will write ever. It dredges very painful memories, reveals my darkest secrets, shows my vulnerability and the emotions I felt then are coming to me now like I felt them the first time.