Every one I know has been asking if I’m excited. I nod my head and give a smile and say yes. But to say I’m excited is actually lying because the truth is I haven’t wrapped my head around it yet.  My mind has bursts of fast paced moments (when I am anxious) and then there’s mostly the slow languid thoughts that take me a few hours or days to have the gravity of events sink in.  Up to today, it feels like I am just going for an extended vacation. 

Yet, when I really think hard and something clicks in my head that I am being with  B for good then I start feeling  unexplained glee. Like having a really really good secret and you’re the only one who knows what it is. Everything else feels surreal. 

I have anticipated this day since the day I met him. Every fiber of my being has been screaming to be close to him since the day I realized I love him. And now it is here. I am just minutes away. Yes, you must understand that unexplainable glee I feel and why it feels surreal. Because there is no words to contain the emotions I feel. 

Here we go again...

I have been pushing it back the last few weeks trying to make myself preoccupied so it won’t touch me. But, alas, today as  B watches TV and I sit in front of Mackie I can’t stop the sadness reaching me. I was hoping that it would be that usual bout of loneliness that I feel when the thought of us doing things together but not really doing things together hit me. This time it is a bit harder because not only do I feel sad, I feel despair. I know I can’t even type anything after this words. But I force myself rather than cry and cry and cry and cry.

I’ve always been a planner by nature. And since I have met  Ball the plans I have made for myself and for my family I had to scrap. Things are different with him and his kids in Georgia. In order to be with him I have to relocate myself from Canada. In order for me to do that I have to find a job or wait for my mother’s petition or wait for him to petition me. And then I receive my work permit from the Canadian government. Another two years. I know I can resign anytime. But there is no reason to if I can’t move myself from here to there.

So now I am realizing again the importance of living in the moment. If I continue to focus on the day to day tasks, I feel okay, even hopeful and happy. But then the planner and goal-oriented part of my brain kicks in and makes me zoom out of my happy and hopeful moment to focus on the big picture. And then the part of me breaks apart and the happy bubble I am bursts because there is no clear big picture to focus on, all long term plans are on hold.

Over and over I keep telling myself I am a strong woman and my faith will see me through. But these days I am tired of being strong, tired of seemingly waiting, tired of expecting things will be different soon, tired of hoping today we will be finally together. Today I am tired of the uncertainty and the waiting. And I all I have left are the silent tears and the sobs I try so hard to swallow just so  Bwill not hear me wail.

Not having the future figured out is scaring me and our separation is making me feel that I am losing time with him. I wake up from nightmares that we’ve gotten so old and we are still in the same situation we are at now.

But I know God is trying to teach me for years to be still and trust Him. After so many years He wants me to learn the discipline of spiritual perseverance - something beyond endurance, it is endurance combined with the absolute assurance and certainty that what I am looking for is going to happen. He does not want me to simply hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately knowing with certainty that He will never be defeated.

I will go before you and will level the mountains;

I will break down gates of bronze

and cut through bars of iron.

I will give you the treasures of darkness,

riches stored in secret places,

so that you may know that I am the LORD,

the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

- Isaiah 45:2-3

Dear  Brian,

I’ve started writing you now while you are getting ready for work. You know, I have you on the phone too and I’m playing Margaritaville in my iPhone. This isn’t really anything new to you. I mean me writing you a letter. I know I’ve sent you so many over the past few months and this one will just be one of the many and the many more that will come. And possibly like my previous letters I’ll profess my undying love for you and end this hoping it will touch your heart and probably make you somewhat a bit misty-eyed for me. That’s what I hope it will turn out. But then I’m getting a case of writer’s block. I feel panic rising up in me. The same kind of panic I felt when I am about to do a very frightening task... like something really life changing. Except this one doesn’t seem like it is. It’s the challenge of putting to words how much I love you that I find an unnerving task. With all the words I’ve written and all the conversations we’ve had about our feelings for each other, I’m concerned that all words are all used up and my brain has nothing more to say.

One can only wonder how many times they can write and talk about Love. And I guess that’s the reason why books, songs, stories are written about it because it’s such a complex emotion. I must say for me it has been intricate and more than once I was afraid I was getting total insane with the push and pull of emotions as I understand what loving and being loved is. For in my life I had never encountered anyone who was able to melt my hard resolve to not fall really in love. Neither have I met anyone who was able to made me feel so much pain of too much tenderness. To break down in silly giggles and whisper sweet nothings was also something I’ve never imagined doing with someone. To feel wounded because of unlearning bad behaviors in a relationship wasn’t something I would have ever allowed myself to experience in the past. And to do it willingly and joyfully! I would have scoffed at anyone who tried to make that happen.

I suppose, avoiding hurt was easier than nursing one. So it had always been more convenient for me to protect myself from pain, from rejection, from falling in love so much I’d look like a stupid fool. I’ve made sure no one will come close enough in me to break me, not even God. And while I made boundaries so that people won’t hurt me, that same boundaries kept me from waking up with a winged heart and a thankful spirit for another day with my beloved. To smile remembering something sweet or funny or fulfilling. Or go to bed with a prayer in my heart and praise on my lips.

You can say I’ve built a fortress. An impenetrable one. Yet even when I was building it and hiding behind it I’ve always known someone would come around one day and tear it down, brick by brick until my heart will be exposed for him to claim. And for you to come around and do it seems like life’s way of humoring me. Who else could invade a fortress, tear it down brick by brick, expose a heart and hold it captive but someone who’s been a trooper, construction worker, and an enforcer of the law. Despite my heathen nature, God must really love me because He heard my prayer a long time ago and put a check mark on each of the action item I asked in the man I want to be with.

Perhaps it was my naiveté in love and loving, but it took me awhile to realize that as much as you love me, your love is not sufficient to make and keep what we have. As much as I love you, I had to learn to trust you and earn your trust. I had to learn to have faith in God and have faith in you. I had to learn to understand and accept our differences. But above all, I had to learn that when the going gets tough, not to quit. Because that’s what it means to love someone - absolute. And love and loving someone despite all odds and challenges is still a choice, like everything else in life. These were hard lessons. And for the most part I am still learning it. It hasn’t always been rosy and easy. But like what you tell me time and again, “If it’s not difficult to achieve, it’s not worth taking.” I suppose God has a plan for my life because He brought you by my side to show me how much He loves me and remind me how unconditional His love is for me every time you say you love me despite the arguments and fights.

We were born to be together, and together we will be forevermore. I am not perfect but I am made perfectly to be the woman for you. And after so much words perhaps I wasn’t really able to articulate how much I love you. Maybe I will never be able to, ever. But I know this, all the days of my life I will hold you, stand by you, love you. And I pray that everyday will be the proof that I mean what I say, when I say I do love you.

❤,

Darla

I feel my faith wavering as I wonder if we will ever really be together.

I have been battling depression as it seems our future is a bleak possibility.

I try to stop the sobs wanting to escape when I think of the events we miss out on each other.

I wipe quickly the tears that escape from the pain in my heart that squeezes out the joy in me.

I pray for endurance as I wait on the day I will see him again.

I yearn for a sign that one day he and I will never be this far apart.

I beg the Almighty to make this “one day” very very very soon.

I count the blessings: having him, seeing him, talking to him, being loved by him.

I wait some more. Even though it seems so long.

So long.

So long.

The waiting seems so long.