I saw him again last Sunday night. And again I felt knives stabbing my heart. Since I started seeing him more often lately my heart has been hurting. It hadn't hurt like this for 3 years now but lately it has come back and gotten worse.  As he turned around to use my Mac to export some pictures, I pressed my mouth tightly to silence the gasp of pain that was about to come forth. I winced as I held my chest.

He noticed it earlier the day and asked me when it started to happen. And I responded lately. And left it at that. 

But I remember the night before it started. 

We were out drinking beer and just having a good time. And I remember slowly revealing a secret I had harbored for months. I remember telling him again that I am sorry for hurting him. I remember as the night got deeper and deeper I professed my love for him. I remember asking if he would like to try again. Yet he changed the topic and I had to ask him why and he just had this look of pity in his eyes. He said he didn't know what to say.

I remember him lashing back at me and making me remember all the hurtful things I have said and done. I remember holding my temper and clamping all will to fight back and defend myself. I remember being crucified again for my sins that he had said he had forgiven. I remember pulling my knees near my chest and sobbing and begging that he has to forgive me. Chanting it over and over like it was my mantra. I wanted to shout that he had won, that he had hurt me, that he had succeeded and gotten even.

I remember I cried that night like I had never cried. I had never felt so vulnerable and pathetic and full of self-doubt. I cried because I wanted to be sorry for being with Mr. Gigolo right after we broke up but I couldn't because I knew it was something I had to do to grow. I cried for all the accusations hurled that I held my silence. I cried not because of the rejection but because I knew he was just passing his time with me and didn't really care about me anymore. I cried because I didn't know why I still love him despite this lopsided treatment. I cried because once again I let myself settle for being unloved.  I wanted to ask him to just give me a break up speech and leave me forever. The remnants of our once beautiful relationship is simply coital. But I didn't. All I could do was cry.

I remember. Because that night, my will broke and a quiet voice inside me said I deserved this. And as dawn crept I remember my a physical pain manifest in my heart. At first it felt like sharp nails clawing. But as I cried some more it felt like the nails were poking my heart squeezing it tighter as I cried some more. As pain gripped my heart I find myself unable still to stop crying. I cried until I couldn't make anymore tears. Until I passed out from exhaustion for being emotional and melodramatic.

He asked me if I wanted to see a doctor. I said no, it'll pass or I'll just die. And he left it at that. Why would I pay a cardiovascular doctor to give me a diagnosis when I already know the cure? I don't need to see a doctor, I know my own cure. I just should stop seeing him. But how can I when I have let him matter again to me. And so I let the wave of pain pass. For now, I can still take the pain. For now, my heart will just ache but not yet break.

I found myself last Saturday in jail. Of all places, the last thing that ever crossed my mind was to be in a detention center. Yet I was. For 3 hours I stayed in a correctional facility surrounded by inmates who have murdered, raped, trafficked drugs, and have committed every heinous crime that is punishable with a lifetime sentence. 

And yet despite being in the midst of these criminals, I found myself giggling, laughing, clapping, and actually enjoying myself inside the Cebu Provincial Detention Center and Rehabilitation Center (CPDRC) And who wouldn't when I was there watching 15 dances including the popular “Thriller” dance number which exploded in the World Wide Web through YouTube and boosted CPDRC and the Philippines in the limelight resulting to media craze, delight and amazement.

And if you knew the story, it's not the dances that made it amazing but the way they were able to make a180 degree turn from being notoriously corrupt and a source of headache for the provincial government to a disciplined group of inmates and source of pride to Cebuanos. Other penitentiaries have tried to integrate the dance exercise that is being done in CPDRC but they have not been successful because the inmates joy in dancing is just a result of a positive expression of the soul. 

Change was done from inside out for CPDRC and as we mingled with the inmates after their performance it struck me that if I were to loiter inside the BJMP Detention Center which was across this facility I would be heckled. Here, the inmates smile shyly and would not fall out of line all they wanted was a picture taken with them and a chance to smile for the camera. I envy them. They have broken hearts but they are able to push it aside and enjoy the moment and let their soul be immersed with music and dance. I admire their spirit. They find joy even if they are confined inside a gray building year after year.

As we left, I wished that in the future these people will continue this positivity they exude and perhaps they won't be dancing anymore but my desire is for their hearts to still carry a tune of gladness.

In celebration of Earth Day, I would like to post this video. 

And if your hear someone singing or humming this tune then it might be me because I caught the Boom bug.

Tensile strength is the maximum amount of tensile stress that can be subjected to a material before it tears or fails. To date the multi-walled carbon nanotube has the highest tensile strength of any material yet measured. When given a constant load, carbon nanotubes will bend over to surprisingly large angles before they start to ripple and buckle and then finally develop a kink. The amazing thing about carbon nanotubes is that these deformations are elastic - they all disappear completely when the load is removed.

I don't know what my tensile strength is. But I know my Euler limit has gotten better and better as I went through a lot of pain and hardship. It made my spirit stronger. It made my mind grow wiser. It made my heart go colder. 

People have loved and loathed my strength. Touché. I love and loath it too. While this gives me an edge in my decision-making skills, it also is my waterloo as irritation clouds my judgement when I see a form of weakness characterized by people who have not seen the harshness of this world. While I have gotten stronger I have yearned to be weaker. 

But as I start to weaken my defenses, I am more vulnerable to the attack of the one force that can hurt me. A force so strong there is no means in this world that would stop it. Thus the pain is inevitable. Sooner or later I get hurt. Hurt so bad to the point of death. And yesterday it almost happened again. The tragedy is while I can't live with this force, I am compelled by blood and by surname to be attached to it. To him. 

Even if I could never do it, yesterday I fought back. I fought back by retreating. I fought back by running. I fought back by exclusion. It was wrong. It was right. It was the smartest and dumbest and hardest and easiest thing to do. To cut myself off from my own blood... from my own father... was the most brilliant thing I did for my own preservation. But it was the darkest day of my heart. The whys and hows do not even matter anymore. 

Yesterday I became an orphan. 

Yesterday I died.

A day after I have made the decision I sit for hours lost in a silent stupor. There was no relief of freedom. There was no exuberance of being alive. There were no shed tears of pain. There was nothing. Not even weariness of going to war. I had removed the once force in me that would have led to my physical demise. But the years of carrying the strain of the relationship have left me so many kinks that would never be removed. The blow of the force yesterday was enough to join all those kinks and shatter something in me.