"And there you see the distinction between our feelings: had she been in my place and I in hers, though I hated her with a hatred that turned my life to gall, I never would have raised a hand against her. You may look incredulous, if you please! I never would have banished her from his society as long as he desired hers. The moment his regard ceased, I could have torn her heart out, and drank her blood! But, till then - if you don't believe me, you don't know me - till then, I would have died by inches before I touched a single hair of her head!" — Emily Brontë

Probably the only thing inappropriate than B‘s behavior was my reaction to it. Erhmmm...let me rephrase that. The only thing inappropriate than what he did, was my reaction to it. How I see it now, twenty-four hours after it happened, I threw a hissy fit more than Mariah Carey and Left-Eye (TLC) combined. It started out from that red flag detector each woman has and the sirens of my intuition set off when I first saw them friends in Facebook. I know this shouldn’t be deal. Let me tell you straight out that this used to be not a deal at all. In all my past relationships I’ve always been indifferent towards ex-girlfriends. But then again, I can only be immune for so much.

He’s told me again and again that he loves me. He’s always given me time and attention. And really if I had any dignity last night I should’ve forgotten about it and gotten to bed. I knew months ago she was an ex who cheated on him. But what I can’t understand was why he was

okay being friends with her but not his other ex whom they share children and cheated on him too. The double standard is just beyond my black and white mind and I just couldn’t shake off the feeling that he was still somehow attracted to him as much as she is still attracted to him even after kids and husbands and wives and God knows how many years they’ve ended their relationship. This and the many other things I’ve known fueled the doubt I felt and jealousy smoldered in me. I would be all giddy in love with him but the moment her name comes up it took a lot of internal wrestling for me to beat that green eyed monster inside. But this battle with jealousy ended in my defeat when I saw the phone records. There I was staring at it, hyperventilating and not knowing if I will cry or run or just die. But I couldn’t drop it and I certainly should have. I have a bad habit at that, letting things fester inside of me and then boom! I become this feisty bitch who wants to be off with the head of anyone I am pissed off. Although they say it’s healthier to let it out than to bottle it up, in this case it was certainly unhealthy for both of us. B lost sleep and got really upset. And I looked pathetic, insecure, and immature, a look that surely isn’t sexy on me at all.

Maybe I am acting a bit too paranoid and having a similar experience in the past where so and so ex boyfriend hooks up with a common friend and cheats on me with her all the while making a pretense that he loves me, only me, loyal to me, with all his life doesn’t help at all. But just because I am being paranoid doesn’t mean it isn’t true. After all, there’s is more than one of everything, including cheating boyfriends. As they say, history repeats itself. And yes, lightning can strike the same place again despite popular belief. So who is to say that what I am suspecting isn’t true...if it happened before it can always happen again.

Nothing pisses me off more than a lie. And for me, emotional deception is the worst of all. It’s bad enough that you want to punch them in the face for stringing you along, but you also want to kick yourself while you’re down for falling for their bullshit. If you really care about someone, do yourself and them a favor. Tell the truth, no matter how much it hurts. Because believe me, lying hurts far more than any truth ever could. And no thanks to bad choice in men before, I’ve grown quite distrustful of the gender and have worked so much to protect myself.

On the other hand, perhaps I’ve never really grasped how much he loved me. I know that he was meant to be with me forever. I know that he is the exception in my life. I know that he won’t ever cheat on me. So who is to say that what I am suspecting is true...if it happened before it doesn’t necessarily mean it will happen again.

By letting my jealousy take control of me, I know exactly what I am doing - driving a wedge between us. A wedge that can turn into a chasm that will forever separate us if I don’t work on it. And if there is anything I fear the most it’s losing him. I’ve captured his heart and staked my claim on him long before I became the name after the words “In a Relationship with...” And I know that even if he never really said it in words, I know to him being me is enough for him. I love him. And I am really sorry for hurting him last night and letting my jealousy take the better of me. There is no excuse for what I did and said and almost done. Especially when he proves his faithfulness to me over and over. So as much as as it is going to be a difficult war for me to fight off and control my jealousy, I am going to do it. Because the truth is, when I get jealous and let it get over me I hurt myself as much as I hurt him.

It was the ring that screwed me. That beautiful piece of ice that I took from the sales lady with nimble fingers. My friend and I went to a jewelry store to have my ring size taken due to persistence of B. And from ring size coversation it shifted to what kind of ring I like. I honestly told her I don't know. She then started having ring speak with my friend saying words like trilogy, princess, solitaires, round, carats until I got myself saying yes when asked if I want to try some on.

I remembered being surprised when I took it from her, it wasn't as heavy as I thought it would be. I looked down at that piece of jewelry and was fascinated by the simple elegance of the round cut three diamond engagement ring. It wasn't too flashy. It wasn't too plain. It was beautiful.

As I played with the ring on my finger letting the light make it sparkle I heard the saleslady and my friend encourage me to try it on. My face broke into a smile but a part of me was hesitating. This has gotten a bit out of hand and a bit surreal. I only came to have my ring size taken and now i have a ten grand ring on my hand and two women devil advocating me to try it. Normally I don't try on things I won't buy because it plants seeds of envy and unnecessary longings. But what woman would refuse such a pretty little thing?! So despite loud objections shouting in my head I slipped on the ring on my left ring finger.

I looked at my finger and felt pleasure as the white gold band hugged my finger perfectly. The stones sat on it without seeming to topple over suddenly or fly towards someone's face if I flicked my hand. Little did I know then that I should have listened to my instincts (which is usually right) and handed the ring back without trying it on feigning not liking it dragging my friend out the store and gone shopping. Because as I felt the band embrace my ring finger comfortably and look at it I imagine how much pleasure it would give me being proposed to by B. And the seeds of want was planted in me. The ring was perfect. It was beautiful and it was stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Over the course of a few months that want has taken root and grew faster choking all other things in me. I had gotten the notion that we're getting married soon. With or without an engagement ring. Over that time period I had assumed a plan for a future will form, mostly initiated by him, and there is such a thing as happily ever after. How I'd become so reckless and assuming in a span of 4 months is beyond me. But here I am with a brain twisted like a pretzel and a heart confused.

Between finding the perfect guy for you and wanting to be with him always, the worst position to be in is wanting to get married. What's worst than that is realizing that even if he's egged you about your ring size, asking what kind of ring you like, and talking wedding stuff your partner is actually nowhere near proposing. And I mean not in the next coming months or years.

I used to love taking things slow with him. But eversince the thoughts of being with him forever became a possibility, I've moved ahead a few chapters from him and thought "being with him" involves physical nearness, and "forever" will start the next year. And realizing he and I aren't in the same page has made my mood off kilter and I find myself resenting our separation, doubting his love for me, being depressed and crying, bitching at him, and partly regretting to be with him. And the past few days it has gotten so bad I've completely lost my focus that all I wanted to do is run from him as far as possible because I cannot come to accept the reality that he loves me but he is not marrying me. After two divorces no one in his right mind should jump into a third marriage so easily. I knew that, but my heart has taken so long to accept it. That's what happens when you let poisonous wants go out of control. They fester and refuse to die often resurrecting from the dead to take over your senses and feelings.

So here's my piece of unsolicicted advice: avoid getting dragged into conversations about weddings, or engagements, or babies - it will influence you to overly think things and hope you'd be popped the question soon, but reality is it ain't happening ... Yet or at all. Enjoy the moment and let your love blossom on it's own. Maybe he'll propose, maybe he won't. If you really want to be with him and marriage is non negotiable be patient and pray he'll come around eventually. But if marriage isn't really something you vied for in the first place, then quit smoking wedding crack and just be with him. Bottomline is - just love him. Period.

As for that engagement ring, I give you my finger... A dirty middle finger. For screwing with my head and heart and turning me into an eager beaver single lady. You pretty piece do not define love or forever. It's what I do to him and for him that does.

I had to remind myself that this call was long distance. And I’m paying for this phone call. Because I just realized that I was rambling which is not normal for me. Yes. Not normal despite my ADHD. It was difficult to focus on my words though and what I wanted to tell her. When I would think of what I want her to know about him, my mind goes haywire with the sensory overload of his laughter or his smile or just even his name. I felt bad for her then, having to listen to me ramble.

I have no clue if I made my self coherent or not or if she even had an iota of what I was going thru thinking about him. But after so many minutes of expensive long distance ramblings she said, “I think he’s the one for you.” I laughed partly because of relief that she took my words and feelings seriously despite my poor relationship track record, and mostly because I felt the same way. I felt that he is “the one” and I am hoping we were both right.

That was six months ago. I still think it’s a miracle ⎯ that I’ve found the one guy who is both thoughtful and reliable, also sexy and a wonderful lover. He really is the best of everything. An unaffected, down-to-earth boy from Georgia who loves spaghetti and country music and fishing. Yet also a brave soldier and respectable police officer. A natural in parenting his children. He is handsome without being vain. Scrupulous but not judgmental. Confident but not arrogant. He did exactly what he was going to do - no exceptions - yet retained an air of mystery that kept me on edge, kept me wondering.

He cared little what others thought of him, yet seemed to earn everyone’s respect. He was coolly aloof yet somehow still passionate. And I fell hard and fast in love with him, overwhelmed by the certainty that our feelings are as equal as they are real.

With a broken voice and tearful sobs she blurted out, “I love you and I love mommy. And I don’t want to choose between you and mommy. Why can’t you be together again?”

As I listened to the child wail to her father, the inner child in me wailed too and I was shocked to taste something salty on my mouth. I was only listening to the conversation but I felt her pain and before I knew what was happening tears were streaming down from my eyes. For a child to feel so much confusion and pain at the age of seven is too much even for my somewhat callous heart.

Divorce has been a common situation in most societies in the Western culture. Growing up in the Philippines and being raised by religious parents, separation was really not much of an option to my parents even during the time when my father was neglecting my mother and us, his children. It’s a fact also that due to the strong ties of the Philippine people to the Catholic church, divorce is not legally permitted in the Philippines. And although my parents are not Catholic, the vow my mother made before God has made her decide to stay with him even at the darkest and hardest point of their marriage. Perhaps if my parents were Western my parents would’ve divorced when I was very young and I would be weeping the same bitter tears as that seven year old child.

Yes I know, I am lucky that after 33 years my parents are still together. That despite all the cheating, drugs, emotional abuse, and neglect when my father was still starting out with the constabulary my mother thought of our future and decided to stick with him. That after twelve years of these things, by God’s grace my father changed and has become a better father than I first knew of him.

I know that this doesn’t apply to all. Each person has a deal breaker in a relationship. Each person has a threshold for pain. Each person has expectations from their partners. And for me trust, fidelity, and true love are non-negotiable. I cannot look at my partner the same way if he cheats on me. Once my trust is broken, I may trust you again but not enough for you to ever break my heart again. Most times I often decide not to even risk trusting my partner anymore. This is the root of all reasons why I have never committed myself enough to anyone before. Enough to marry. I have seen my father cheat on my mother, I myself have been cheated on. And how my mother stayed with my father despite his infidelity is beyond my understanding then. But this is me speaking from a perspective of a single person who is not responsible of another person’s life. And this was my view before I met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

The child’s father explained patiently and lovingly that he loves her and she doesn’t have to choose, her mother loves her too but daddy and mommy can’t be together anymore. How can you explain such things for a seven year old to grasp it? As much as you want to shield your own child from the pain, the reality is when your spouse cheats it is the most painful experience of all. For you to inform a seven year old of this fact may help to understand and help them stop asking for the unthinkable but then there is the greater possibility of bigger consequences for your child. Like your child hating your former spouse, your child growing up being non-commital, and worse your child growing up resenting you.

Hearing this conversation I realized that when there are children involved already, what I want for myself would have to take a back seat and the needs of my children will come first. I know this in my head, I feel this in my heart. And for my child I will try to keep my family intact. It is a bitter pill to swallow but one I won’t hesitate taking for my child and the values I would like him/her to learn. At that moment as I listened to that child’s painful sobs and feel tears streaming from my face, at that moment I wished I was her mother and I can take away her pain and ease her confusion and not give her any even to begin with by staying married to her father and love him as long as we lived. For me, a child should never have to choose between her mother or father. For me, a child should see her parents as one unit that loves, disciplines, and supports her.

I know that compared to other people, I had it easy seeing my parents still together and be a living example of what marriage is about. It is a dying tradition, marriage, in the real meaning of the word. Something I don’t take lightly. Something that in the near future I know I will go into. And for my unborn child (or children) this I will solemnly promise you, “I take your father to be my husband, my partner in life and my one true love. I will cherish our union and love him more each day than I did before. I will trust him and respect him, laugh with him and cry with him, loving him faithfully through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face. I will give my hand, my heart and my love from that day forward for as long as we both shall live.” And behind this words I utter a prayer to God that He will enlighten my child of the depth and breadth of this vow and raise my child up to be a person who values commitment with all her heart and mind.