Here we go again...

I have been pushing it back the last few weeks trying to make myself preoccupied so it won’t touch me. But, alas, today as  B watches TV and I sit in front of Mackie I can’t stop the sadness reaching me. I was hoping that it would be that usual bout of loneliness that I feel when the thought of us doing things together but not really doing things together hit me. This time it is a bit harder because not only do I feel sad, I feel despair. I know I can’t even type anything after this words. But I force myself rather than cry and cry and cry and cry.

I’ve always been a planner by nature. And since I have met  Ball the plans I have made for myself and for my family I had to scrap. Things are different with him and his kids in Georgia. In order to be with him I have to relocate myself from Canada. In order for me to do that I have to find a job or wait for my mother’s petition or wait for him to petition me. And then I receive my work permit from the Canadian government. Another two years. I know I can resign anytime. But there is no reason to if I can’t move myself from here to there.

So now I am realizing again the importance of living in the moment. If I continue to focus on the day to day tasks, I feel okay, even hopeful and happy. But then the planner and goal-oriented part of my brain kicks in and makes me zoom out of my happy and hopeful moment to focus on the big picture. And then the part of me breaks apart and the happy bubble I am bursts because there is no clear big picture to focus on, all long term plans are on hold.

Over and over I keep telling myself I am a strong woman and my faith will see me through. But these days I am tired of being strong, tired of seemingly waiting, tired of expecting things will be different soon, tired of hoping today we will be finally together. Today I am tired of the uncertainty and the waiting. And I all I have left are the silent tears and the sobs I try so hard to swallow just so  Bwill not hear me wail.

Not having the future figured out is scaring me and our separation is making me feel that I am losing time with him. I wake up from nightmares that we’ve gotten so old and we are still in the same situation we are at now.

But I know God is trying to teach me for years to be still and trust Him. After so many years He wants me to learn the discipline of spiritual perseverance - something beyond endurance, it is endurance combined with the absolute assurance and certainty that what I am looking for is going to happen. He does not want me to simply hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately knowing with certainty that He will never be defeated.

I will go before you and will level the mountains;

I will break down gates of bronze

and cut through bars of iron.

I will give you the treasures of darkness,

riches stored in secret places,

so that you may know that I am the LORD,

the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

- Isaiah 45:2-3

“Bakit ganon... ang lalake pag binigyan nya ang pamilya nya ng pagkain, damit, bahay, 

tapos napagaral nya ang mga anak nya agad sasabihin ng mga tao 

‘Aba! Mahusay syang ama’. 

Pero kapag babae ka kahit na ibinigay mo na ang lahat ng yun sa mga anak mo 

kasama pa pati puso at kaluluwa mo parang hindi pa rin sapat na tawagin kang 

mabuti kang ina. 

Sana pwede nating sabihin na ‘Oops tama na, hanggang dyan na lang ang pagiging nanay ko. 

Kasi kahit nanay ka nakakapagod din di ba?”* 

- Josie, from the movie “Anak”, 2000

I’ve written quite a number of posts about her. And most of them were of fear, of anger, of hate, of ambivalence towards how she treated me. I know I was being unfair that I would write so many posts about my mother and people who would read it would only know my side and the bad side of her. The truth is, and this is untainted truth, she did what she can given her circumstances and she tried to love me, love us without going insane.

For so many years I have focused solely on the things she didn’t do for me and the things she did do but to hurt me and make me love her less. I found her harsh and at times standoffish. When tears would stream down my face she would firmly tell me to stop crying. When I almost drowned she said I am still alive. When I fell from our tree house and broke my nose she said that that is still far from my gut. When my father would beat me up she wouldn’t say anything to stop him. And all these years I remember my childhood and become bitterly resentful of her.

Recently I had a huge fight with  B. And this fight resulted to both of us thinking the other broke up with the other. I was in a state of confusion and pain as it seemed my heart has been wrenched and all I had left was an empty void. In this melodramatic phase of my life I went and sought solace to the last person I normally would go to for comfort --- my mother. It may seem odd given our turbulent relationship but I knew that no matter how much I found her uncaring ways hurtful, the child in me always sought my mother’s comfort. I also knew that in more ways than one, I am very similar to my mother even to the type of man we’ve chosen to love.

We had quite a conversation and interestingly she took  B’s side. She meant well and she knew that my judgement was being clouded by emotions. Emotions that she had learned to hone towards her benefit when her abusive father gambled the house she and her siblings lived in. Emotions that she had skillfully used to her advantage when her siblings refused to send her to school because she wanted to take a different degree. Emotions she had learned to master to make things happen while married to a philandering drug using husband who refused to give her financial and emotional support.

It’s been pointed out to me that I hold on too much --- mostly grudges, past bad experiences, pain and fears. And now I’ve realized how stupid I’ve been. Instead of making bad things in my life become inspirations to do good or become better I’ve tried to let the past and my emotions dictate my actions. Instead of thanking her for giving birth to me, I dwelled on the bad history of my name. Instead of appreciating her effort to provide for our needs when my father was neglecting it, I grew spiteful of her absence. Instead on appreciating the strength my mother has instilled in me, I dwell on her shortcomings. I focused on her nagging, that she checked on me as if waiting for me to make a mistake, that she watched my every move, every book I read, every piece of clothing I wore, the friends I hung out with, the words I used. And the more she watched the more I grew resentful of her. And in all the years I’ve rebelled I thought she didn’t cared when in fact she lifted me up in prayer and begged God to protect me.

In between sobs I blurted I just wanted  B back. And she said, in a tone of certainty that she always uses, that he will be when he is ready. This gave me comfort. For so many things I have chosen to do or have in my life my mother had disapproved, the fact that she knew  B would come back meant that for once my mother approved my decision. I guess she knew that despite the quarrels and bickering between me and  B, he is the man who is for me and meant to teach me the different facets that love is. And so thru him I learned to see my mother in a different way... not as an Ice Queen but as a Ferz, the most valuable and powerful piece in the game of chess.

And so I’ve now reached a point in my life where I’m letting go of my past hurts from my mother. She wasn’t the ideal mother but I know that there is no such thing as an "ideal mother". She tried to make the best of everything for us even though she wasn’t loved much, cared much, needed much. And she loved me the best way she knew how and that was by not giving me up for adoption or abortion when she was told to do so.

~o~

*Don’t you wonder... when a man provides his family food, clothing, a house, and when he is able to send his children to school, people are quick to say ‘What a good father he is!” But if you are a woman, even after you’ve given all of that to your children even your heart and soul, it’s not even enough to call you a good mother. I wish we can say “Oops, that’s enough, that’s as far as I can be as a mother.” Because even though you’re a mother it’s also tiring, isn’t it? - Josie, from the movie Child, 2000

Dear Miss Know It All,

I haven’t written a post for so long. Too long. And it’s not that I have gotten old and crusty with my writing, it’s just that the things are in my head I would much rather share with my boyfriend rather than have an anonymous (and sometimes known) person read what is pickling in my brain. So I have placed writing aside and spent my times talking to him and living life. But after asking him last night some time off to think about our relationship frayed by so many fights lately, I have nothing now but time in my hands. And you have incited me with words you have written and so I arm myself with my laptop and words you need to hear.

It is not my habit to talk back to people who piss me off. And when I write “people” I mean people who do not know me or who I do not wish to know. It’s much more easier to ignore these kinds and just move forward. See the dilemma here is my boyfriend knows you and considers you as a friend. As such is the case I would have to give that some credit even though you don’t know me and I don’t know you. As since you have voiced an opinion on a situation you have no knowledge of whatsoever and you have easily dispense advice against a person you have never met or talked to personally, I have taken a defensive side and protect myself and the one I love the most from critical people like you.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am a 31 year old Filipina woman raised by God fearing parents. I was raised with three core values: Courage, Integrity, and Loyalty. Although these words may mean nothing to some people, for me that is my identity and that is a way of life. These values have been forged by years of life experiences and the example from my parents’ life. In a society where grays are more acceptable than black and white, I am constantly tested to live life overcoming fears of acceptance, staying truthful, and standing by the ones I love.

Having stated those things, I do not know if you will believe that. Neither do I care if you do. Again, I don’t know you, you don’t know me. And the one thing that may have bound me from you, which is my boyfriend, has thought our relationship is over giving me no reason to hold back when I say this:

SHUT YOUR MOUTH, YOU TALK TOO MUCH.

You have easily speculated that there is someone else in my life and that I have an interest elsewhere which is why I asked for some time off. Really. And you know this because...? Oh right, you’ve never met me. The only time I came across you was when I saw a picture of  B grabbing a fat woman’s ass and asked him about it..  B has only talked about me to his colleagues but you and I are not even Facebook friends. You tell my boyfriend he “deserves an honest woman straight forward and is gonna understand you all around”. You’re damn right he does! He deserves not just an honest woman, he deserves all the great and wonderful things in the world. Things I have been giving and plan to continue giving for the rest of my life. Things no other woman can ever give him. And maybe, if you ever took the time to ask people who knew me or a little about me. You wouldn’t be saying all the bullshit that you have said. Because you see, he’s the only one for me.

I have been told and mostly accused that I am a strong woman. A hard woman to deal with because compromise is not my greatest strength and the core values my parents have instilled on me is so steadfast that being swayed or influenced to do something I do not think right causes discord. They call me straight as an arrow and say it like it is some disgusting thing. Little do they know that when I fight with the ones I love because I have difficulty and I am slow to compromise it makes me feel like a failure. Not because I compromised but because fighting with them drains me emotionally. Because I love them, I want to give them the best of me. And anytime I don’t it drives me insane.

I know I am loved by  B. I love him too. I know that despite what he may think, I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I know that all relationships suffer some setbacks. The last thing I want is to bring down the one I love with all I am. And I know that to ask that we do not fight is not possible. But I know that if I took some time off, a lot of things will fall into perspective and things that we used to whine and nag and feel insecure and make a big deal of will fade. We will laugh at how immature we had been and move together as a team.

Do you think it is easy for me? Do you think that it is so easy to go out there looking for a better man than  B when I have found the best man for me? Do you think that I walk around all confident looking for a date when the man I love is so far away hurting and that what I asked for is the reason he is hurting? Do you think I am not frustrated that he has given me no option but to break up with him because for   B there is no such thing as “time off in a relationship”? I know you think me as a slutty woman who’s just one of the girls he’s had before who just broke his heart and trust. And what you think is something I don’t care for. It doesn’t matter. He’s the only one that mattered. And you are just some fugly woman who thinks you know it all.

But thank you. Your baseless conjecture has woken the sleeping blogger in me. I hope we do not meet. If we do, don’t smile and pretend that you’re nice bitch. Just shut your mouth because you’ve said one too many lies.

~D

An old, literally and figuratively, teacher I had many years back commended me for graduating with honors in grade school. Apparently, because of my consistent years of being a slacker and school fights graduating with honors was like a come from behind win. She said this is an important milestone for me and I should never forget it. Of course, I did. At that time and for many years graduating with honors wasn’t an achievement, it was a duty my parents expected from me it and it was something they do not give you a pat in the back for.

Over time I have chosen to file away in the furthest corners of my brain most of my life experiences that some people usually are proud of. Not that I am ashamed of it, it’s just that at that time I accomplished it I saw it as my duty as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, as a citizen, as an employee, as a mentor. Even though most acts I have done are above and beyond the “call of duty” in the norms of society I was involved with for me it is still classified as duty. On the other hand, I believe in karma. And every good or bad deed I do will come back to me one way or the other.

I never lived my life based on milestones but moments. I am certain I have a lot of milestones though that has shaped me to the person I am now. Yet when I think about the word “milestone” it conjures something extraordinary, something breathtaking in an amazing and wonderful way, something that changes a person’s life forever. Like being marked to be set apart. Like being lost then found.

Having such concept of the word “milestone” I am proud to say today is a milestone. Exactly a year ago was the first time me and  B started communicating. He was holed up in a FOB in Afghanistan and I was on my first break at work when he replied to the message I sent him online. Although I was still with someone else that time he waited for me to be single again but stayed with me as an amazing friend.

Personally, I think it’s a great achievement to be with someone and still loving him with the same passion I had the very first day. I cannot deny that my track record in terms of relationships is very much tarnished by running away, boredom, and apathy after a few months. I give up easily on people I used to love and still love and would rather keep a safe distance from them rather than make myself vulnerable to pain.

I admit that the past three hundred and sixty-five days wasn’t all bliss and romance. We’ve had our feisty arguments, tears, and one too many times I wanted to throw the towel and give up. But I know from my heart that no matter how mad I am or he is, no matter how cutting my words could be, or busy he can be when all has been said and done God is the keeper of our love and we will always work things out. As days progressed to weeks then months I have been made aware of my faults, flaws, weaknesses and I work hard on evolving myself to become a better partner, friend, and lover for  B. It’s not easy, especially I can be prideful. That’s why I am proud of myself and overjoyed for having a man who loves me unconditionally. But I've learned to grow vigilant - watch my words, watch my thoughts, watch my moods, watch my actions. Being careful not to be hurtful, overly sensitive, tactless, or mean. Because it's so easy to ruin something great and beautiful. It's so easy to take forgranted blessings that come our life.

The fact that he loves me, still makes me feel awe and giddy. The way he takes care of me still makes me feel cherished. The way he wants to be with me more than anyone or anything else still makes me feel important. And when my mind thinks “my  Brian” still puts a smile on my lips. I know most people consider being a parent as a milestone. But for me, at this point in my life, finding the man meant to be with me forever, loving him and being loved by him is a milestone. Childbirth and parenting can come later.