I have lost count of the number of times I’ve lost my temper and become hissy at  B. It’s not something I’m proud of and every time I am able to rationally look at the situation I get so ashamed of losing my temper and being hissy I wish the world would just open up and swallow me. At times I wish he never met me too coz he’d save himself a lot of pain if he and I were never together. I feel as though I am constantly struggling to be better or cool or be laid back and every time, I lose it.

My old mentor having noticed my anger management issues once pulled me aside and ask, “What do you gain when you lose your temper?” and I said “Nothing”. And I think he wanted to teach me something with that talk but it didn’t helped much. I was still as Nazi as I was the first time and I still give scathing sarcastic comments when I get aggravated. But lately I’ve come to realize that my answer wasn’t true at all. I don’t gain “nothing” when I lose my temper; I actually gain a lot of self-guilt, promote hate and mistrust, and worse of all I break apart every good thing from my relationships. 

I wrote a few weeks ago how I try to work on my behavior first before I feel any feelings, and I tell you it’s HARD! Most times for me, feelings are fucking nuisance. I get offended with the slightest joke, irritated when things aren’t done the way it’s suppose to be done, and feel rejected when I don’t get attention. It’s sad really, and I worry at times he’d get fed up with my childish and evil ways he’d quit and just leave. And when that worry starts to gnaw my insides a part of me says “I wouldn’t be surprised if he did leave you.” Yeah, you can call me psycho.

But what I don’t write is when the tables have turned, when  Bbecomes hissy and nothing I do or say makes him happy. It’s like he’s tired of sunshine and wants some male bonding time. When the slightest concern or question causes him irritation creases his forehead with a wrinkle and he gives tart replies. They are once in a blue moon days, but they do happen and when they do I look at him like a deer caught on headlights and I just want to make a run for it before he hits me or something. I’ve learned to watch for the signs (cussing out loud, banging the mouse on the desk, more cussing, a firmness in his voice tonality, still more cussing, and his face looks like a cop who caught me doing something illegal) and I’ve learned to take a deep breathe and let it roll. It’s nothing personal, it’s just the way things are in any relationship.

So now that I've come to face my shortcomings and correct my flaws, I've come to realize that it's not just changing one's self and being better but also accept the person for who they are and giving them the best even though we're treated poorly. In any relationship it's not just enough to say "I love you", we have to live it and work on it. 

"Opinions are like testicles... 

If you hit them hard enough it doesn't matter how many you've got." 

~ Varric, DA II

So lately I’ve been spending a lot of time with my Xbox playing Dragon Age Origins, the expansion pack and Dragon Age II. I know that for some it was a lame way to use up most of summer but hey, whatever floats your boat. 

Like any role-playing game (RPG), DA makes you choose a character and personality and you try to stick to it. You can romance your companions, sleep around non companions, be friends or rivals, push them away so they leave you, and ultimately after all the quests you get to the climax beat the bad guy and try to save the day. But then there are dialogues and gossiping among your companions. And those are the things that I actually look forward to in the game. Most of the time they fight amongst each other. But then they also spend a lot of time looking out for each other’s back. Silly as it may sound but I take it personally if one of my companions betray the team. And if you hurt ‘em, I’ll kick your butt.

Let me say though that I never expected to learn any life lessons from those games...

|Wynne taught me what leadership is about 

|Alistair taught me the value of helping out family as well as looking out for myself

|Morrigan taught me that being a bit evil is not that bad

|Leilaina made me appreciate beautiful things

|Zevran has taught me second chances 

|Sten made me realize that we must learn to be contented too

|Oghren has taught me to laugh from the belly

B thinks my game is slutty, I guess because of the romance options in the game. But that’s fine by me, because a good beer and a laugh makes the dragons worth killing in the end.

For so many years I've lived by myself. Having left my parents at an early age (because of my hard headedness) I have gotten used to paying my own bills, moving to different places, cooking meals for one, Christmases and birthdays alone. The loneliness over the years isn't something that goes away but over time I've learned to cope and if the sad carols I hear move me to tears I tell myself at least my family is still complete, we just can’t be together.

Despite my age though, there is still a little girl in me who wants to be taken care of by my parents. I know I can’t get it from them anymore and even then there was some sort of awkwardness between my parents and me. I love them but with them I have to be always strong, and smart, independent, and self-sufficient. And most times I get tired of being the woman they expect me to be. Most times, I just want to be plain old me.

So I suppose it’s a blessing living with my two older Filipino couple. They’re the parents of my landlord who offered that I move upstairs after a year and a half of discord with the Filipinas I used to live with. Initially I didn’t talk to them because I had a feeling that they have heard bad things about me and the hurt I felt from my previous room mates was still fresh in my heart. Eventually I started getting to know them. They generously offered food even beyond the usual “kain tayo, Dar”. And as weeks turned to months our bond became stronger, I eat with them, cook for them, clean house and do errands for them and they do the same for me. I became the daughter they never had and they became the parents I wish I have.

It’s going to be a year since I’ve first moved in with them in a couple of weeks. I feel that I’ve never lived with anyone else but them. Our loneliness living in Canada has drawn us to find companionship with each other. Perhaps in the near future I will move away from here and finally be with  B. It’s not something I dwell on though, because as much as my heart is excited the sadness of separating from Nanay & Tatay pinches my heart.