And here I am in my room, an afternoon alone. Just me, myself, and I.
Around two in the afternoon it seemed like it was going to be an eternity. A long afternoon without my boyfriend to talk to or friends to chat, I was awry of an afternoon of loneliness. If I really wanted to avoid boredom I could’ve read a book or watched Rat Race or The Funeral. If I really wanted to get away from the silence of the house I could’ve laced my running shoes and worked on a five mile run at Mission Creek. If I really wanted to escape I could’ve willed myself to sleep until tomorrow. If I really wanted to avoid solitude I could’ve packed a book, a drink, and have a nice picnic at the beach front. But knowing myself more than I know anyone else, I know these things will entertain me for the moment. But really, right now all I need is to be alone.
Growing up in a family of six, I wouldn’t say I grew up isolated. I shared a room with my older sister until she graduated from highschool and moved to University. But despite us sharing a room, competing for my parents attention and approval with my other siblings, and having a unique name which draws people’s unsolicited attention I have been for most part of my life alone. For a time being I tried to fit in. You know like a duck lost in a pond of swans and I forced myself to imprint on them, to think similar to them, to move as a unit with them, to be a family. But I was a stubborn duck. I never did imprint and despite my best intentions to, I found out that the more I try to warp my head to their ideology and theology a struggle within me left me stressed and hypocritical. The more I tried to belong, the more I felt alone. And desperate.
It’s been a long journey for me, learning how to be alone. First came the loneliness, then the fear that I will forever be in a state where no one will like me or love me or take me for who I am, and as the length of my solitude grew then I became impatient...desperate that time is running out and I will never be happy again. So I traveled, I moved around circles avoiding myself and always making sure I am surrounded by friends or semi-friends, of boyfriends or half-boyfriends, of partners and lovers. But the more I surround myself with people I felt twice the loneliness; the more reckless choices I made the more guilt I felt. Guilt for knowing that deep in my heart my actions contradict my intention and it will only lead to self-destruction.
My pursuit of belonging is the source of all my loneliness. Once I’ve understood it, it was natural to choose what was right rather than what is expected or what I hoped to be. As I started choosing what was right despite meaning standing by myself the more I came to accept who I am — flaws and all.
I started small — going to the restroom without my girlfriends, taking walks, reading in a library. And as I continued with this small excursions of "D time" eventually I was sitting at a coffee shop watching people, unrolling my mat and doing yoga at the park, making conversations at bench parks, exchanging pleasantries to my elderly neighbors. I may never be able to be comfortable enough to go clubbing by myself and dance at to the beat without a partner (but then again that has never real been my thing) but from that young girl who was afraid and sad of sitting by myself in the front of the house, I would say I've come a long way.
The desire to escape was replaced by passions to find ways that make me celebrate my life. Discovering music that moves me, unfamiliar places that astound me, moments that break my face into a smile, understanding my level of patience and stretching it, rearing my anger, waiting patiently for the love that lasts a lifetime and so much more made me come to terms that bottom line it’s up to me to choose positive thoughts, positive words, positive actions. And that includes not obsessing about my family not getting me or that their religious sect doesn’t fit me. Perhaps in time, as I continue to evolve, those things as well will happen.
So perhaps one day you will find yourself more lonely than alone. Be patient. And then think... you're not really alone. You have yourself a your life full of experiences and a life ahead of possibilities. So go and take life in, not everyone may appreciate the same things like you do but that doesn't mean you're less connected or less loved or of lesser being. It simply makes your life and others more interesting.
