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As a woman, the opposite sex are not surprised when we change our minds. In fact, majority of them expect it. They may dislike that our minds our mercurial, but they accept it. And being a woman, we usually excuse our fickle-mindedness to being a woman.


One of my friends recently criticized me because I am not being a woman. I suppose she meant that I am not exercising my ability to change my mind out of whim given I eat the same kind of bagel everyday - blueberry double toasted with light butter. Most often my girlfriends frown on this trait. They ask if I suffer gender dysphoria, why I think like a guy, why I get irritated with them when plans we make don’t push through, why I raise my eyebrow when they share about a liking a new guy when a week ago it was someone else, why I even don’t change bags everyday even if I have plenty to choose from. 


Given she has every right to criticize, I was disconcerted. But the truth is, I didn’t know for what and why. I started thinking hard on this. Surely I am not a “lesser” woman just because my decisions are not temperamental? And even if I have so much shoes, bag, clothes, make up, toys, books, videos, music, food, perfumes just because I use the same ones over and over does not make me mentally androgynous, right? 


Four days ago I talked to my manager and shared the toxicity of having to work with Lola. Apparently, an event that occurred that day pushed me over the edge and made me walk towards my manager at the end of my shift and ask her if I can talk to her for a few minutes. It was then that I was finally able to verbalize the dread I feel when I am working with Lola. I did not desire that my manager would impose any retribution. It’s just, by my nature, I like to solve problems. Her attitude at work is a problem affecting me and I needed to solve it. 


So she was asked to a sign a warning. So she cried at work the next day she signed that warning. So she doesn’t talk to me when I came back to work today. So what? Bottomline is, my problem is solved. At least for a change she does not say hateful words to colleagues and customers, she does not bang pots and gossip about everyone’s life and hers while all of us try to work, she does not smile at me and then stick a knife my back when I turn. I’ve worked with her long enough to guarantee a relapse. But for what it’s worth, at least I will no longer have to bitch fit about her here and spend unnecessary word count on my grievances on her attitude.


Today our employers came over to meet with us and talk about our thoughts as the annual lease of the house is about to end. Everyone here have decided we do not want to leave. As it is, our house is affordable and convenient to work. Making that choice was a no-brainer. The second thing they talked to us about is if we want to permanently reside in Canada. He wanted to know if we want to permanently reside here and as he posed this question he was looking at me. And then silence. I felt he was waiting for an answer and I think I was expected to answer first as he was looking at me. But all I was able to blurt out was. “Do we have to decide now?” Seriously?! Of all the things to reply, I say the whiniest things. Seriously.


The rest of my housemates have decided that all of us want to start the ball rolling on our permanent residence. And so there I was sitting on my indecision and trying not to make a faux pas. Although I did not say I “yes” or “no” since no vote was done, you know that when you don’t speak up you must forever hold your peace. I don’t know yet if I will regret not voicing the causes of my indecision. But, for sure, as this discussion has been opened already I must start thinking about it already. 


After the meeting, I decided to mentally consider my options. It was then that I realized I am not not being a woman just because I make a decision and follow-through on it. The reality is my one-dimensional decisions are a result of three-dimensional dissections of the options I have. My fickle-mindedness happens only on the process of making a choice as I weigh the pros and cons. I may hem and a haw for as long as can be but when I do make a choice it is usually immutable as anything less than that choice means I'll pay a price I can't afford.


Being brought up by the General to stand up for the choices I’ve made coupled by all the cost I've paid with all my poor decisions and indecision in the past taught me over and over to think hard and think long before I decide, because at all times the pros and cons of our choices are gender-neutral.

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When I was a kid and didn’t get what I wanted from my parents it was those times that I hate being a kid. I couldn’t wait to grow up. In our oldest house in Manila I would lock myself in the bathroom stare at my reflection in the mirror and tiptoe. I wanted to be bigger. I wanted to be older. I wanted to be a grown up.


Now that I am, I think being a grown up is overrated. While I love the shoes, the clothes, the staying up late, occasional alcohol consumption and parties; growing up means being responsible. 


Two days ago Kitty Kat turned 20 and last Friday we had quite a talk about making the right choices no matter how painful, marriage, decisions. As much as I am happy for her, inside I cringe that she is going to be emotionally beaten up, mentally mashed, and psychologically challenged by the adversities of life. I have a decade of head start from her, and the sister instinct in me often kicks in to protect her and keep her a baby forever. I know it’s wrong. Which is why I curb it. And it sucks. But it’s part of being a grown up. Which makes it suck some more.


Tanduay Girl and I recently had a lengthy chat. She was sharing to me things like being swindled by her accountant and wanting to find her and bury her alive. I understand her anger completely. Not only did that accountant make her owe a six figure amount from the government, my older sister’s integrity is put into question as her workers would most likely think she is just scamming them with the deductions they received in their paychecks. 


There are so many things we want to have and to be when we grow up. So many times have we said “when I grow up, I’d...” and we would be full of hope and the faith that it is going to happen. Back then we don’t really had a broad concept of how vast our choices would be. And while the decisions we have to make now have multiplied like cockroaches, the price we have to pay seem steeper. If we were only spanked when we did wrong as children, as adults we are expected to be responsible without any questions asked. Otherwise, pay the consequences.


Why is it when we grow up and become a jackass, the people around us get affected more? My brother, the 3rd Mate, has become some sort of jackass. Having a job that pays well, being well travelled, or probably just being himself has made him so narcissistic and selfish at the same time would not listen to anybody as he does the porcupine dance with his ex. Eventually, he will crash and burn. I tell myself that. In as much as I do not want it to come true, inside I pine for him to hurt and hurt really really bad. This is wrong, very wrong. But deep inside, I want him to pay some sort of retribution for being self-serving. He badly needs help to pull his head off his ass. Permanently.


It’s quite baffling that some people can live so free, or have retained their sense of childlike wonder. They’ve grown up but managed to be hopeful, sincere, and loving. I always thought of myself dark and twisted, as if my soul and heart has been scarred so much there is nothing left but my ego. I always thought that living my life is consequence on itself alone. And while it may seem I am indifferent, I realize that I am still growing up. Being twenty-something, thirty-something, or forty-something doesn’t make one a life-Yoda. So even if being a grown-up can be (at times) over rated, the shoes, the cute & hot guys, the parties, and the pay checks makes it fun.

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It’s seven thirty in the evening. Time for bed. But my hair is still wet, I just got off the shower. Making the most of everything I try to let my fingers type as fast as it can go (which is really not fast at all) and write about recent events...


Yesterday - I invited my super for late lunch on Tuesday, but she couldn’t make it. She asked if it can be Wednesday instead. Great. When Miss Germany found out, she wanted to join. Awkward. But late lunch date was suppose to happen with my other housemates which makes it neutral. I was already conjuring up reasons to run and hide in my room after lunch while I leave my other housemates to be the one to entertain. Getting home around noon the my housemates were not there. Hmmm. We, my other housemates who will not entertain, were thinking they went to Costco to buy lunch for our guests. But as 12 became one in the afternoon I had a feeling those two bailed. It looks like I will have to be the sole hostess for this date! Did I say this is awkward? Now I had only thirty minutes to give myself some pep talk. In thirty minutes, I will get myself into a sticky situation. How to you entertain someone you deliberately don’t talk to for the past two months? How do you smile and be genial to someone you want to smack? I could, if I’m made from plastic. So there I was watching Apollo 13 rerun when it dawned to me to let it slide. Maybe, just maybe she’ll treat me better after. At the same time I opened our front door their car pulled up the driveway and there I was smiling. I watched her from the corner of my eye as I greeted our super. She looked like a fish out her bowl. Awwwww. I smiled at her and told them to come over the dining area as the food is ready. Overall, no knives showed their aerodynamic capabilities. No harsh words churned acid on the table. Everything turned out fun. And I had fun too. She even brought cake for dessert! Isn’t it sweet? Or maybe that was just the glucose in my blood talking. My super told me that on their way to the house Miss Germany asked our super if she had a clue why I was mad at her. My ever faithful super assured her I wasn't mad at her but someone else. When they drove off after that date, Miss Germany said our super was right, I wasn't mad at all. Now I feel guilty. Need more cake to ease it off.


Today - It’s T’s Birthday! Happy Birthday T! Go get your birthday suit on and let’s party like a rockstar! I made a table for you. But I get to use it. Coz’ sharing is caring sweetie. :)


Tomorrow - Kitty Kat turns twenty! Can’t wait to see all the pictures of her gifts. She received tons of gifts. Some quirky. Some small. Some mailed with bubble wrap. Some too big to even wrap. I hope to see the pics soon.


Oh, it’s eight now. Really have to get my sleep. Later!

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Usually, I don’t write about work anymore compared to last year when I was still a thousand miles away from where I am now. It’s not that there is nothing to write. Actually, there are tons of things to write. But because I get so tired of work and drama that when I get off work, I feel so drained I seem to incur a temporary amnesia on the eight hours that transpired at work. On some instances the memory permeates to the core that I bring it home and abuse my blog as I write sulfurous posts on one person or another. But the person I’m pissed off is not around at the moment, so there is no need for me to rant for now. But there is something I want to get off my chest.


The thing is, I don’t even know where to begin. Everything is smack down in the middle that I can’t figure if I should write about the post holiday events or just write from now. It just simply doesn’t make sense, and while I completely understand both sides it doesn’t really help. Both sides are in an impasse and I don’t want to be caught in the middle of it. 


The events are simple. Sales are slow, management are sending people home early. Understandably they are trying to minimize cost... it’s just business and nothing personal. But of course not taking it personal is not feasible, especially for one of my colleagues. At the moment her husband can’t work because he is waiting for an operation. So she’s the one who’s earning for both of them. Though her children are both grown up, she says that with her salary alone they can’t afford to live. I don’t claim to know the entire economics of living in Canada, but I know when to shut my mouth. It’s when she keeps on banging stuff at work because she’s angry at our manager, crying at work because she is upset with our manager, saying contemptuous things about our manager, and then being all sweet and exuberant when the manager she hates arrives. So everyday I shut my mouth. Because if I listen to her she won’t stop anyway. If I listen to her she’ll have the audacity to say more mean things. If I listen to her I won’t get any work done. If I listen to her I’ll get bogged down myself.


The truth is, I get that she is upset but I do not have any sympathy for her. I’m not being arrogant. I just can’t bring myself to be sympathetic to her because of her superficiality. Maybe it’s the BPD in my brain that is working now but isn’t it when you’re angry with someone you’re angry. Period. You don’t say “She’s a bitch!” with so much spite when the person is not around and then you smile and share family stories when the person you hates arrives. What kind of personality does that? I find it strange that she would have the audacity to even say she will quit on the job when she never does, she never will. 


I get the brunt of her complaints everyday. And I mean E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y. And even if she has every right to be upset about the situation, the manner of her being upset is wrong. I’m tired of her barking when she should be biting or shutting up. I’m tired of all the crap she spews about other people. I’m tired even looking at her.

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sidetracked

So I was typing like there was no tomorrow. Or at least writing a post at 8 in the evening as if I do not have to get up in six hours to go to work. But Mail made a sound that I have mail. I checked it and saw that it was a video link sent by one of my agents in my previous life. Being dutiful (ahem!) I opened the link. After watching it, it seemed my post didn’t even seem to matter anymore. I was mesmerized and in tears, as much as I hate to admit it.


So here you go. Even if you’ve seen it already, I don’t give a damn. Watch it again. Please?

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good to go

Last month, I shared my woes with my savings and bank. And now I am writing a continuation. 


There are some things that I have found bothersome about the state of my banking affairs, such as:


1. INTEREST RATE. I had given much thought about the interest in my savings account. The interest does not and will not hold any interest to any person who can do basic mathematics. Point zero five percent is the interest. If you have a thousand bucks in the bank you will only earn 2 cents a month. Two fucking cents! I can give them a looney. 


2. BANK FEES. So I have noticed the past few months I get charged something between $13 - $20 per month for withdrawal fees. I had been wondering about this. I know I have a limit of 10 transactions per month in my chequing account but I wasn’t sure how much I was charged for extra. And if that $13-$20 is the penalty I find it too steep of a price to pay. Besides, the bank even charges if my account falls below the MBA.


I was getting pretty pissed with my bank so I went online to surf other banks. There are some banks who offer online savings which has an interest rate of 2% per month. I was drawn to it. But a part of me held back. I mean, don’t all relationships go through some sort of disagreement? Maybe my bank does not give me my wants and needs and sometimes he’s a bit selfish. But I realize communication is the key. I don’t have to jump ship and start looking for other fish in the sea. Maybe the other banks seem so hunky with their interest rates but the fact that TD is second among the “big five” banks in Canada should count for something right? So after much consideration, I decided to give it another try. No sense breaking up, yet. 


So I made an appointment with my bank and they gave me Gay Good as my financial advisor. Suddenly I felt warm and special already. Financial advisor... wow! I have my own financial advisor. I was making a list of what I wanted to know and what I wanted to achieve prior to our meeting. In that list I wrote that I want to cancel my savings account and open a Tax Free Savings Account and get to the bottom of the transaction fees of my Chequing Account.


After lunch Miss Good and I met and started tackling my accounts. I must say, without trying to sound arrogant, I think I made a good first impression bringing my Mac. She said it made transacting for her much easier. Anyway, our discussions involved...


1. BANK FEES. She explained that I as getting charged $0.65 per transaction over the 10 I was alloted per month. It so happened that when I transfer to my US Dollar account, or transfer to my savings account it’s still considered a transaction together with all the swiping I do and online payments. Ouch! We both agreed to change my Chequing Account to an Infinity Chequing Account... now I get an infinite amount of transaction per month for a flat fee of $12.50 per month. $12.50 is still pricey for me (I would rather pay $0.00, hahahaaa!) but it’s better this way than getting worried each month how much the bank will charge me. 


2. QUALIFYING FOR TFSA. What got me started with liking TFSA was all the commercials on TV. Hahahaaa! Seriously though, with a 1.75% interest per month it’s quite irresistable. But I wasn’t sure I qualified to get TFSA as it is for Canadian residents. If you go to CRA though, they have immigrants, residents, deemed residents, and non-residents. Go figure! Actually, I had Ms. Good figure if I qualified and she was nice enough to call the head office of TD and inquire and viola! I qualify. My SIN and tenure of stay made me eligible. The tricky part though is ensuring the TFSA account will only have $5,000 all the time because it wont really be tax-free after as the government will charge 1% tax when it exceeds $5,000. So the evil green me was wondering if I can open two or three TFSAs so that I have a place to put another set of $5,000 when one gets full. The answer is no. As the TFSA will be registered with CRA only one tax free savings account can be availed per person unless you're some hack who steals peoples' identities. Ohhhh...kay. So finally she closed my savings account and moved my money to my brand new TFSA account.


3. MAXIMIZING MY INTERESTS. So while she finished my paperwork, I had been thinking about this TFSA account. What will I do when I’ve reached the limit? I was pretty sure by the third quarter that $5,000 limit we placed will be filled and I was wondering what will I do with my the rest of the money I want to save. I don’t want my savings to be only $5,000. I also didn’t want to open another Savings Account and earn a measly .05% (sorry if I keep on writing .05%, I just can’t help but scoff at that interest rate). At the same time, I was learning to love my bank already and don’t want to open another account from a different bank. The moment Ms. Good looked at my direction and asked how I was doing I shared to her my thoughts. It was then that she looked at me closely which made me afraid she thought I’m majorly greedy. But she smiled and said that that was really smart of me to think ahead. She explained that I can invest the money in my TFSA account and earn interest from both the TFSA and the investment I made. WOW!!! I felt my face glow. She said under my TFSA I can open a Savings, or get GICs, or go for stocks. Whoaaa.. stocks. I don’t think that I’m ready for that yet. I’m still in minor league and not yet ready for the big guns. I’ll try stocks on August I told her. So she explained what GICs are.


4. THIS IS GOING TO BE A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP. So GICs are actually time deposits. I started surfing it while she printed stuff and with so much options it was quite difficult to choose. Bottom line is I got myself a GIC that semi-annually pays the interest of 2.20%. So nice. And next month, I can get another one. With another 2.20% interest. My grin is as big as the Cheshire cat. 


5. GIVE ME A LITTLE CREDIT. So Miss Good asked if I applied for credit. I said yes, I tried to get one so that I can just buy my parents and Kitty Kat’s plane ticket online when they visit me on July. But I got disapproved so I figured, I’ll just give it to them in cash. She said that she can give me a credit and use my GIC as a collateral. Sounds nice. But I was still getting the heebie jeebies because credit means debt, and debt is like a comfortable bed you can’t get out from. I explained my anxiety to her and she said that it is important to establish credit in Canada. *sigh* To encourage me she said to think of something I buy every month and I can use my credit there and pay it immediately. I thought of the $20.00 I always put in my Timmies card every two weeks and I realized, yeah, sure, I can do this. I can get a credit card and not be burdened with the interest rate. Plus I get the credit card with the lowest interest rate. Hahahaaa!


I must say, speaking to my bank really unburdened me. I was close to giving up. I was close to moving on. But it’s interesting how somethings in life are worth second chances. As Gay Good handed me all the documents that are my copy and we stood up to shake hands, I felt... happy... Happy I have some people to depend on in one crucial aspect of my life.

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I have a confession. Though I am not entirely sure. I am 99% positive I murdered my aunt.


For some days now I have been looking at some pictures I downloaded online. The pictures are new to me despite the pictures being taken probably two decades ago. At the top of one of the pictures I observed something was written with a typewriter and age has faded it almost to nothing. I click the + in Preview and read despite the pixelation “Cousin Beth Tira Guwamna and Family”. Of course. But I knew that already. The moment I saw her smiling face, I knew that I know her already. Or so I convince myself.


I think I was five when I first realize that my family was divided into two. There’s my father’s family. All Bible bearing, Sunday service attending folks. Then there’s my mother’s family. Who are Catholics. Even though they are not traditional Catholics they’re Catholics enough to look at my mother with pity whenever her father-in-law would pull out a Bible and prompt for prayer before meals.


It was in one of my grandfather’s prayers that I first heard her name. Beth. And the place she is in. Nigeria. I looked up Nigeria under letter “N” in the Compton’s Encyclopedia my father bought for us to encourage us to study and have high marks in school. Reading about that place I was so surprised she was that far. At first I thought she was a missionary. It was a logical assumption when two of my father’s brothers are pastors, my grandfather use to pastor churches too I think. I was pretty convinced that my Tita Beth then is a missionary in far away Nigeria which made me proud. But inside I cringe because being a missionary is hard. Later on I found out why she was there was the opposite of all my assumptions.


The Colonel didn’t really talked about her much. Just we have two cousins who are her children from a Nigerian man. After more prayers, I heard from my grandfather that Tita Beth ran away from God. That became an enigma for me. I never thought that one person can be capable of running away or being able to assert one’s self in the father side of my family. It seemed that to defy my grandfather and my aunt’s siblings is something quite unfathomable. Curiosity crept in my mind and I wanted to meet the woman who defied the Word. But life and the business of growing up caught up with me. Games, homework, tests, fighting with my sister and brother, cute boys, moving, and change has placed curiosity in the back of my mind until I finally forgot about her and her family. I know they exist. But all they are are names of relatives who I wasn’t able to really relate. Besides, Nigeria is so far and they aren’t really rich. She wouldn’t possibly spend so much money to travel so far and visit her family in the Philippines. Life has a way of laughing at your face when you think you’re sure of something.


It has something to do with her health (though I’m not certain now what it is) that made her come back to the Philippines. For sure it has something to do with her heart. Looking back now, I honestly can’t remember the first time I met her. I think if I really allowed myself to, I would be able to remember the good times with her. But the truth is, I can’t. I can’t get past the last time I saw her to be able to remember the first, second, or third time I spent with her.


I want to assure you that the last time I met her is a memorable one. But, not a good one. It’s one of those experiences one goes through that you wish never happened. Like shoplifting and being caught. Like killing your own best friend when you drove drunk. Making you mother cry when you became too much to handle. Embarrassing does not even cut the emotions one feels. It’s way too traumatic that even remembering it a decade or probably even a millennia after (if you’re still alive) you’d still cringe inside when the memories haunt. The last time I met my aunt I wish never happened.


She came visiting in our farm. I remembered then how much I disliked it when she came over. She was just like the Colonel always asking me to do one thing or get something for them. Grown ups! Always using the young ones as their slaves. I remember being pissed that night too. There was a black out in our area and because there was no electricity there would be no fan, having no fan means it will take me so long to sleep and in the process would be hot and sticky from the heat. That night when the grown ups were shooing us to bed my aunt told me to get her medicine in the room I share with her. Ugh! I didn’t want to poke around in the room when there is no light. I went to the room, did a bit of poking without making an effort and went back to tell her I couldn’t find it. I felt really annoyed that she kept on bugging me to do stuff for her when she can do it. I went to bed asking myself why do grown ups pick on younger folks who cannot order them. 


It was probably two in the morning. I wasn’t sure. But I was sure there was a cold hand grasping my ankle. I didn’t know if I was going to scream because I was pretty positive this is a ghost. I tried to act brave and kicked the hand with my other foot. The hand let go but the another touched my other leg. Shit! I don’t have to be afraid, I told myself. There is a logical explanation for this cold hand gripping me. I lay still for a moment and listened. I heard a moan. Like someone confused or in pain. And the sound was from my aunt. Immediately I got up and flipped the switch. The light turned on and I was actually taken aback that it did because it just struck me that there was a black out up to the time I went to bed. I looked at my aunt. She looked lost. Dazed. She did not even recognize me when I called her name. She only called my father’s name over and over. 


I went to my parents room to tell them that I think there is something wrong with her. They went to our room and they kept on talking to her. It was strange that she could not recognize anybody but her brother, the Colonel. They called for an ambulance and a couple of days after she died of sepsis. She died without her children beside her. It was when the Colonel said she died that I remembered that last night she was asking me for her medicine but I lied and told her I couldn’t find it. It was that same time when the question “what if I gave her her medicine, would that save her life?” dawned on me. Maybe, she had that attack because I was stubborn, selfish, and self-absorbed. All I had to do was give her her medicine, I chose not to do it.


These all happened when I was in high school. Close to 15 years ago. The mind is a funny place. Over time the memory dims. We become unsure if things really transpired. Even as I try to remember that night the edges are a bit blurry. But despite parts fading, I keep on wanting to turn back time and do things differently. I want to be happy for her visit. I want to be happy she even is alive to boss me around. I want to make an effort to find her medicine. I want to be able to hug her one more time. Maybe if I did all these things, if I did this version she would still be alive.


Guilt is a relative term. But no matter if it has different degrees guilt is, at its very essence, self-inflicted. As my remorse is brought upon myself by me alone, I have the ability let go of this guilt. But I won’t. Because if I did, I’m might be that nasty girl and then I’d end up killing more people in the process.

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THERE was once a velveteen rabbit, and in the beginning he was really splendid. He was fat and bunchy, as a rabbit should be; his coat was spotted brown and white, he had real thread whiskers, and his ears were lined with pink sateen. On Christmas morning, when he sat wedged in the top of the Boy's stocking, with a sprig of holly between his paws, the effect was charming.

There were other things in the stocking, nuts and oranges and a toy engine, and chocolate almonds and a clockwork mouse, but the Rabbit was quite the best of all. For at least two hours the Boy loved him, and then

Aunts and Uncles came to dinner, and there was a great rustling of tissue paper and unwrapping of parcels, and in the excitement of looking at all the new presents the Velveteen Rabbit was forgotten. 

For a long time he lived in the toy cupboard or on the nursery floor, and no one thought very much about him. He was naturally shy, and being only made of velveteen, some of the more expensive toys quite snubbed him. The mechanical toys were very superior, and looked down upon every one else; they were full of modern ideas, and pretended they were real. The model boat, who had lived through two seasons and lost most of his paint, caught the tone from them and never missed an opportunity of referring to his rigging in technical terms. The Rabbit could not claim to be a model of anything, for he didn't know that real rabbits existed; he thought they were all stuffed with sawdust like himself, and he understood that sawdust was quite out-of-date and should never be mention ed in modern circles. Even Timothy, the jointed wooden lion, who was made by the disabled soldiers, and should have had broaderviews, put on airs and pretended he was connected with Government. Between them all the poor little Rabbit was made to feel himself very insignificant and commonplace, and the only person who was kind to him at all was the Skin Horse.

The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." 

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled."The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.

There was a person called Nana who ruled the nursery. Sometimes she took no notice of the playthings lying about, and sometimes, for no reason whatever, she went swooping about like a great wind and hustled them away in cupboards. She called this "tidying up," and the playthings all hated it, especially the tin ones. The Rabbit didn't mind it so much, for wherever he was thrown he came down soft.

One evening, when the Boy was going to bed, he couldn't find the china dog that always slept with him. Nana was in a hurry, and it was too much trouble to hunt for china dogs at bedtime, so she simply looked about her, and seeing that the toy cupboard door stood open, she made a swoop.

"Here," she said, "take your old Bunny! He'll do to sleep with you!" And she dragged the Rabbit out by one ear, and put him into the Boy's arms.

That night, and for many nights after, the Velveteen Rabbit slept in the Boy's bed. At first he found it rather uncomfortable, for the Boy hugged him very tight, and sometimes he rolled over on him, and sometimes he pushed him so far under the pillow that the Rabbit could scarcely breathe. And he missed, too, those long moonlight hours in the nursery, when all the house was silent, and his talks with the Skin Horse. But very soon he grew to like it, for the Boy used to talk to him, and made nice tunnels for him under the bedclothes that he said were like the burrows the real rabbits lived in. And they had splendid games together, in whispers, when Nana had gone away to her supper and left the night-light burning on the mantelpiece. And when the Boy dropped off to sleep, the Rabbit would snuggle down close under his little warm chin and dream, with the Boy's hands clasped close round him all night long.

And so time went on, and the little Rabbit was very happy–so happy that he never noticed how his beautiful velveteen fur was getting shabbier and shabbier, and his tail becoming unsewn, and all the pink rubbed off his nose where the Boy had kissed him.

Spring came, and they had long days in the garden, for wherever the Boy went the Rabbit went too. He had rides in the wheelbarrow, and picnics on the grass, and lovely fairy huts built for him under the raspberry canes behind the flower border. And once, when the Boy was called away suddenly to go out to tea, the Rabbit was left out on the lawn until long after dusk, and Nana had to come and look for him with the candle because the Boy couldn't go to sleep unless he was there. He was wet through with the dew and quite earthy from diving into the burrows the Boy had made for him in the flower bed, and Nana grumbled as she rubbed him off with a corner of her apron.

"You must have your old Bunny!" she said. "Fancy all that fuss for a toy!"

The Boy sat up in bed and stretched out his hands.

"Give me my Bunny!" he said. "You mustn't say that. He isn't a toy. He's REAL!"

When the little Rabbit heard that he was happy, for he knew that what the Skin Horse had said was true at last. The nursery magic had happened to him, and he was a toy no longer. He was Real. The Boy himself had said it.

That night he was almost too happy to sleep, and so much love stirred in his little sawdust heart that it almost burst. And into his boot-button eyes, that had long ago lost their polish, there came a look of wisdom and beauty, so that even Nana noticed it next morning when she picked him up, and said, "I declare if that old Bunny hasn't got quite a knowing expression!"

That was a wonderful Summer!

Near the house where they lived there was a wood, and in the long June evenings the Boy liked to go there after tea to play. He took the Velveteen Rabbit with him, and before he wandered off to pick flowers, or play at brigands among the trees, he always made the Rabbit a little nest somewhere among the bracken, where he would be quite cosy, for he was a kind-hearted little boy and he liked Bunny to be comfortable. One evening, while the Rabbit was lying there alone, watching the ants that ran to and fro between his velvet paws in the grass, he saw two strange beings creep out of the tall bracken near him.

They were rabbits like himself, but quite furry and brand-new. They must have been very well made, for their seams didn't show at all, and they changed shape in a queer way when they moved; one minute they were long and thin and the next minute fat and bunchy, instead of always staying the same like he did. Their feet padded softly on the ground, and they crept quite close to him, twitching their noses, while the Rabbit stared hard to see which side the clockwork stuck out, for he knew that people who jump generally have something to wind them up. But he couldn't see it. They were evidently a new kind of rabbit altogether.

They stared at him, and the little Rabbit stared back. And all the time their noses twitched.

"Why don't you get up and play with us?" one of them asked.

"I don't feel like it," said the Rabbit, for he didn't want to explain that he had no clockwork.

"Ho!" said the furry rabbit. "It's as easy as anything," And he gave a big hop sideways and stood on his hind legs.

"I don't believe you can!" he said.

"I can!" said the little Rabbit. "I can jump higher than anything!" He meant when the Boy threw him, but of course he didn't want to say so.

"Can you hop on your hind legs?" asked the furry rabbit.

That was a dreadful question, for the Velveteen Rabbit had no hind legs at all! The back of him was made all in one piece, like a pincushion. He sat still in the bracken, and hoped that the other rabbits wouldn't notice.

"I don't want to!" he said again.

But the wild rabbits have very sharp eyes. And this one stretched out his neck and looked.

"He hasn't got any hind legs!" he called out. "Fancy a rabbit without any hind legs!" And he began to laugh.

"I have!" cried the little Rabbit. "I have got hind legs! I am sitting on them!"

"Then stretch them out and show me, like this!" said the wild rabbit. And he began to whirl round and dance, till the little Rabbit got quite dizzy.

"I don't like dancing," he said. "I'd rather sit still!"

But all the while he was longing to dance, for a funny new tickly feeling ran through him, and he felt he would give anything in the world to be able to jump about like these rabbits did.

The strange rabbit stopped dancing, and came quite close. He came so close this time that his long whiskers brushed the Velveteen Rabbit's ear, and then he wrinkled his nose suddenly and flattened his ears and jumped backwards.

"He doesn't smell right!" he exclaimed. "He isn't a rabbit at all! He isn't real!"

"I am Real!" said the little Rabbit. "I am Real! The Boy said so!" And he nearly began to cry.

Just then there was a sound of footsteps, and the Boy ran past near them, and with a stamp of feet and a flash of white tails the two strange rabbits disappeared.

"Come back and play with me!" called the little Rabbit. "Oh, do come back! I know I am Real!"

But there was no answer, only the little ants ran to and fro, and the bracken swayed gently where the two strangers had passed. The Velveteen Rabbit was all alone.

"Oh, dear!" he thought. "Why did they run away like that? Why couldn't they stop and talk to me?"

For a long time he lay very still, watching the bracken, and hoping that they would come back. But they never returned, and presently the sun sank lower and the little white moths fluttered out, and the Boy came and carried him home.

Weeks passed, and the little Rabbit grew very old and shabby, but the Boy loved him just as much. He loved him so hard that he loved all his whiskers off, and the pink lining to his ears turned grey, and his brown spots faded. He even began to lose his shape, and he scarcely looked like a rabbit any more, except to the Boy. To him he was always beautiful, and that was all that the little Rabbit cared about. He didn't mind how he looked to other people, because the nursery magic had made him Real, and when you are Real shabbiness doesn't matter.

And then, one day, the Boy was ill.

His face grew very flushed, and he talked in his sleep, and his little body was so hot that it burned the Rabbit when he held him close. Strange people came and went in the nursery, and a light burned all night and through it all the little Velveteen Rabbit lay there, hidden from sight under the bedclothes, and he never stirred, for he was afraid that if they found him some one might take him away, and he knew that the Boy needed him.

It was a long weary time, for the Boy was too ill to play, and the little Rabbit found it rather dull with nothing to do all day long. But he snuggled down patiently, and looked forward to the time when the Boy should be well again, and they would go out in the garden amongst the flowers and the butterflies and play splendid games in the raspberry thicket like they used to. All sorts of delightful things he planned, and while the Boy lay half asleep he crept up close to the pillow and whispered them in his ear. And presently the fever turned, and the Boy got better. He was able to sit up in bed and look at picture-books, while the little Rabbit cuddled close at his side. And one day, they let him get up and dress.

It was a bright, sunny morning, and the windows stood wide open. They had carried the Boy out on to the balcony, wrapped in a shawl, and the little Rabbit lay tangled up among the bedclothes, thinking.

The Boy was going to the seaside to-morrow. Everything was arranged, and now it only remained to carry out the doctor's orders. They talked about it all, while the little Rabbit lay under the bedclothes, with just his head peeping out, and listened. The room was to be disinfected, and all the books and toys that the Boy had played with in bed must be burnt.

"Hurrah!" thought the little Rabbit. "To-morrow we shall go to the seaside!" For the boy had often talked of the seaside, and he wanted very much to see the big waves coming in, and the tiny crabs, and the sand castles.

Just then Nana caught sight of him.

"How about his old Bunny?" she asked.

"That?" said the doctor. "Why, it's a mass of scarlet fever germs!–Burn it at once. What? Nonsense! Get him a new one. He mustn't have that any more!

And so the little Rabbit was put into a sack with the old picture-books and a lot of rubbish, and carried out to the end of the garden behind the fowl-house. That was a fine place to make a bonfire, only the gardener was too busy just then to attend to it. He had the potatoes to dig and the green peas to gather, but next morning he promised to come quite early and burn the whole lot.

That night the Boy slept in a different bedroom, and he had a new bunny to sleep with him. It was a splendid bunny, all white plush with real glass eyes, but the Boy was too excited to care very much about it. For to-morrow he was going to the seaside, and that in itself was such a wonderful thing that he could think of nothing else.

And while the Boy was asleep, dreaming of the seaside, the little Rabbit lay among the old picture-books in the corner behind the fowl-house, and he felt very lonely. The sack had been left untied, and so by wriggling a bit he was able to get his head through the opening and look out. He was shivering a little, for he had always been used to sleeping in a proper bed, and by this time his coat had worn so thin and threadbare from hugging that it was no longer any protection to him. Near by he could see the thicket of raspberry canes, growing tall and close like a tropical jungle, in whose shadow he had played with the Boy on bygone mornings. He thought of those long sunlit hours in the garden–how happy they were–and a great sadness came over him. He seemed to see them all pass before him, each more beautiful than the other, the fairy huts in the flower-bed, the quiet evenings in the wood when he lay in the bracken and the little ants ran over his paws; the wonderful day when he first knew that he was Real. He thought of the Skin Horse, so wise and gentle, and all that he had told him. Of what use was it to be loved and lose one's beauty and become Real if it all ended like this? And a tear, a real tear, trickled down his little shabby velvet nose and fell to the ground.

And then a strange thing happened. For where the tear had fallen a flower grew out of the ground, a mysterious flower, not at all like any that grew in the garden. It had slender green leaves the colour of emeralds, and in the centre of the leaves a blossom like a golden cup. It was so beautiful that the little Rabbit forgot to cry, and just lay there watching it. And presently the blossom opened, and out of it there stepped a fairy.

She was quite the loveliest fairy in the whole world. Her dress was of pearl and dew-drops, and there were flowers round her neck and in her hair, and her face was like the most perfect flower of all. And she came close to the little Rabbit and gathered him up in her arms and kissed him on his velveteen nose that was all damp from crying.

"Little Rabbit," she said, "don't you know who I am?"

The Rabbit looked up at her, and it seemed to him that he had seen her face before, but he couldn't think where.

"I am the nursery magic Fairy," she said. "I take care of all the playthings that the children have loved. When they are old and worn out and the children don't need them any more, then I come and take them away with me and turn them into Real."

"Wasn't I Real before?" asked the little Rabbit.

"You were Real to the Boy," the Fairy said, "because he loved you. Now you shall be Real to every one."

And she held the little Rabbit close in her arms and flew with him into the wood.

It was light now, for the moon had risen. All the forest was beautiful, and the fronds of the bracken shone like frosted silver. In the open glade between the tree-trunks the wild rabbits danced with their shadows on the velvet grass, but when they saw the Fairy they all stopped dancing and stood round in a ring to stare at her.

"I've brought you a new playfellow," the Fairy said. "You must be very kind to him and teach him all he needs to know in Rabbit-land, for he is going to live with you for ever and ever!"

And she kissed the little Rabbit again and put him down on the grass.

"Run and play, little Rabbit!" she said.

But the little Rabbit sat quite still for a moment and never moved. For when he saw all the wild rabbits dancing around him he suddenly remembered about his hind legs, and he didn't want them to see that he was made all in one piece. He did not know that when the Fairy kissed him that last time she had changed him altogether. And he might have sat there a long time, too shy to move, if just then something hadn't tickled his nose, and before he thought what he was doing he lifted his hind toe to scratch it.

And he found that he actually had hind legs! Instead of dingy velveteen he had brown fur, soft and shiny, his ears twitched by themselves, and his whiskers were so long that they brushed the grass. He gave one leap and the joy of using those hind legs was so great that he went springing about the turf on them, jumping sideways and whirling round as the others did, and he grew so excited that when at last he did stop to look for the Fairy she had gone.

He was a Real Rabbit at last, at home with the other rabbits.

Autumn passed and Winter, and in the Spring, when the days grew warm and sunny, the Boy went out to play in the wood behind the house. And while he was playing, two rabbits crept out from the bracken and peeped at him. One of them was brown all over, but the other had strange markings under his fur, as though long ago he had been spotted, and the spots still showed through. And about his little soft nose and his round black eyes there was something familiar, so that the Boy thought to himself:

"Why, he looks just like my old Bunny that was lost when I had scarlet fever!"

But he never knew that it really was his own Bunny, come back to look at the child who had first helped him to be Real.

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I’ve been itching to write. I’ve been itching to put words the the thoughts that swirl in my mind and put to rest, or at least try, the tempest of emotions in me.


But all this work is keeping me from writing. Actually, it’s work and Facebook. I can’t wait for Friday. Besides the fact that it’s pay day, I get to have some free time to write, write, and write some more. 

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