not for the faint of heart

We have a guest. Not just any guest who we wanna kick out after three days of staying but a special guest we want to stay forever.

J is in town visiting. He is  B’s oldest son. Let me clarify that ---  B’s oldest son is 15 (turning 16 on December) and he lives in a different State with his mom but every now and then or at least once a year B flies him to his State and spends some time with him. This month is that time of the year when he is in town and we get to spend some time with him (Although that last statement may seem confusing to common folk, I want to clarify that  B makes it a point that the children recognize and treat me as if I am there even though I am not physically with them). It’s a rare event when all three kids spend it  B with under the same roof.

The first two years that he did this we were still starting our relationship and I was still learning the ropes. His two younger children spends every other weekend with him and our relationship has evolved from the novelty to common. The two children are so used to me that they look for me, call at me, and most times ignore me too. One of the things I have learned is divorced parents have it different when it comes to parenting compared to parents who are together and live together under the same roof. Divorced parents and parents who are physically separated to their child or children (because of work or duty) often times over compensate because of the guilt they somewhat experience for not being able to to be there for their child. Over compensation can be in the form of lax in discipline or over abundance of material things. Perhaps it is my Asian upbringing combined with the military training and my masters educated parents but as I got to observe divorced parents and OFW parents form of child rearing I feel somehow that that aspect is something to be worked on.

Forgive me if I seem judgmental, in the contrary, I have utmost respect for divorced and OFW parents as well as children of OFWs and divorced parents. Due to the challenge of trying to discipline, be supportive, guide, instill values to their child despite the absence of the other parent and their limited resources the single parent attempts to give more, care more, acknowledge more, value the children more, and even love more than most do. One parents attempting to fulfill the role and responsibility meant for two people makes the word “parent” mean so much more.  

Due to trying to fulfill the role meant for two people, being a single parent is difficult and at times some things fall thru the cracks. Some misbehaviors are not corrected, some values not instilled, some attitudes are left unchecked until these children are too old to be corrected or accept discipline. When me and my separated and divorced friends discuss this they always comment “you don’t understand us because you aren’t a parent”. I scoff at this blind accusation because even though I am not a parent (i.e. bore and raised my own child) it doesn’t mean I am not entitled to an opinion. I know being a single parent is hard, there are some things I recognize B cannot do such as cook the children nutritious food or ensure their clothes are coordinated and not wrinkled but there are some things that I can expect from him such as ensuring the children do not watch TV all day (and night) or they do not shout at each other whenever they fight (which is OMG almost every hour, I think).

It took me some long weeks of thinking and few times of fighting with  B before I was able to understand that most single parents struggle with the fear that perhaps they are being a bad parent to their kids because they aren’t with their child(ren)’s mom or dad and some parents fear that when the children have grown up they’d blame their parents for not being there for them when they were growing up. I don’t say I understand they psychology behind a single parent’s parenting methods. But one thing I’ve learned from  B is that he tries to be a good parent to the kids as best as he could, and he may somewhat be a pushover but with me in his life now he is able to curb this side of him. On the flip side, I’m learning to take it easy and be more confident in the parenting styles I am am comfortable with. 

With the things I’ve learned since I’ve been with B, a part of me now wants to “over compensate” by asking  Bto teach him to drive a car, buying him some games and clothes. We want to make up now for that one year he was away from us and try to make this vacation memorable. While we do realize we cannot turn back time or buy his affection, we can’t help but try to make this trip special and hopefully he would be given a chance to stay with us permanently.