After months of waiting, finally iTunes has NBC and Universal in the iTunes Store under TV Shows. I’ve long been wanting to buy The Office, House, Grey’s Anatomy, Scrubs, and Heroes online. As they did not have it months ago and after waiting too long I couldn’t help it but buy previous seasons in DVDs which is bulky, not environmentally friendly, occupies too much space in my room, and makes it tedious as I have to remove and insert disc after disc. Obviously, I am a lazy and prefer less clutter in my already cluttered room.

Since they have it online now, I can just burn my current DVDs in my hard drive and sell them. :D

My parents are not superstitious. For them there is only God’s plan and pre-destiny. I, on the other hand, being born “different” (as the General stated to me) is superstitious. I don’t believe I will have bad luck when a mirror breaks and I look at it, or being passed by black cats, or not sweeping the floor at night. Those things are plain stupid. But I do believe in trusting my gut feeling. Stronger than a woman’s intuition, my gut feeling is quite credible. I can’t predict if it’s gonna rain or when the lights will change in traffic. But I can sense when the person I’m dealing with is shady, or I will have a bad day, or if bad things are gonna happen. My mother calls it discernment. She has it too. She told me a decade ago that she actually prayed that God will grant me the gift of discernment because I’m stupid (“stupid” was not the exact word she used) and that the spirit will help me make wise decisions in life. I’m quite thankful she asked me to have it and God gave it to me as it comes handy. Listening and heeding to that nagging feeling is just something I have to learn. Because if I only listened to it I could’ve prevented myself from having a married boyfriend unknowingly, or getting into a motorbike accident causing my teeth to be crooked, or not finishing my degree, or not cheating on him, or not taking the manager position for Apple, and a lot of other grief. 

Because there is no probable explanation on why and how I discern things it is difficult for me to trust it. It’s not 100% accurate even if the success rate is high and it’s kinda bothersome that I can only discern if bad things are to come. There is always a minority report. Like today

Today started out as one of those “off” days, I knew something was gonna happen but not to me. I felt nervous but could not put a finger on what or who. I wanted to sit still and wait for it to happen. But I couldn’t. Since I knew it’s not gonna happen to me and it was my rest day I had to clean up the house, besides, sitting and waiting for it to happen is just not feasible. I know from experience that if I don’t do the things I’m suppose to do, whatever bad happens may be prevented BUT if I don’t do what I’m suppose to do, people who rely on me will get frustrated. So I do what I do best, I pushed the “off” feeling I had at the back of my mind and tried to forget it. Eventually, the things I had to do distracted me. I was cooking four different viands at the same time for our lunch and food we’d gift for our manager who will go on a year’s maternity leave. 

We had to go uphill towards the Rutland store as she was there around lunch time. Around 1:30 I told my housemate, Yahnie that we’re going already as she was busy watching online. She asked me if we would take a cab or bike. My mind shouted to take a cab, but I said I’m not sure, whichever will do. All four of us were heading out already and Yahnie was saying that we should just take the cab because it was hot, I kept quiet as Gracie and My said we’d just bike. I was thinking about the bike to Rutland and imagining how much a heartbreak it will be because of the 20 degree incline and a part of me wanted to just ride a cab. Eventually we did rode our bike. After giving the food to our manager we rode a steeper incline of 60 degrees to go to the bank as Gracie and Yahnie will be sending money to their families. While me and Winks opted to go ahead after to go home, the three remained to go to a nearby thrift shop. As we separated that off feeling resurfaced but I was distracted by Winks who was sharing her frustrations at work. Even if I wanted to analyze my feelings I know it’s quite pointless. Riding down that 60 degree incline gave me an edgy feeling...my bike has a light frame and I was hurtling down faster than Winks. I had to remind myself not to use my left brake or I’d fly off and break my neck. 

Our friend and super passed by the house and had a late lunch there as me and Winks talked about the latest store scandals. It’s been hours since we separated from the three girls. We had been waiting for them and wondering where they are. Around five, a cab pulled in front of the garage and I felt relieved when I realized they were home. As I walked out the front door I saw Yahnie, our super, and Winks talking animatedly with very worried faces. And then my eyes looked more closely and I saw Yahnie’s hands. Both had gauze bandages and her pinky and ring finger were gauzed together. She was alone. Where is Gracie and My?!? Good Lord. I stepped out the porch and asked what happened, Yahnie turned to face me and I was speechless when I saw her face. She looked like Chris Brown beat the crap out of her! Her upper lip was bloody she had a gauzed taped firmly on her chin while her purple hoodie was bloody and her pants had blood stains all over. I thought she crashed. What I didn’t know then was she used her left brake going down fast the 60 degree incline and she flew off her bike crashed face first on the cement and broke her chin so big she had to be stitched. 

She took off her hoodie and I looked down her shirt. Looking at her neck covered with so much dried blood and her white tank topped splattered with so much blood made me want to cry. I wanted to cry because I felt so gulity. I should have conceded to that feeling and not moved or cooked today or do any of the things that I was suppose to do, I would rather they felt frustrated of my inability to do household chores and cook and decide to cancel giving the food to our manager than see her beaten up badly by the hard concrete sidewalk. But it’s over and done. Move forward. Bawling won’t help. I sat her down went inside to get a glass of cold water, face towel, basin of cold water, and some cotton and brought it out to the table. As she shared what happened to them, I placed the towel in basin wrung out the excess water and started wiping the dried blood off her skin.

Maybe it was wrong of me not to just sit and wait. Maybe not. I honestly don’t know. But if there is anything I know for sure. As much as I’m glad it did not happen to me, it did not make it any less painful for me.  

So today, my manager had me sign a warning. I wish I would get pissed about it. I wish I would feel a little bit upset. Or maybe a bit remorseful, even though I know and my peers know that I don’t deserve it. But the truth is I can’t feel anything. Maybe I’m still in shock. Maybe I’m in denial. Maybe a part of me thinks the drugs I’ve been taking is causing hallucinations. Maybe I don’t really give a shit anymore. Maybe I think this being and working in Canada over rated. And I think it was the things that happened last Thursday that has pushed me to apathy.

I wish I can even cry right now. After all, when I get so angry and frustrated my tear ducts go hyperdrive and I end up crying which makes me more pissed because I don’t want anyone seeing me cry. But I can’t even cry anymore. I’m sitting here waiting for the tears to start falling but nothing comes out my eyes. No tears. No pain. I guess even my tears quit on me after having to fight them back everyday at work. 

Especially last Thursday. I knew then that I can cry inside the freezer. No one could hear me there. I could’ve sobbed with all gusto and the hum of it’s fans will filter all the sounds I make. I could’ve bawled and be able to compose myself by the time I get out. Piece of cake. But again, I didn’t. I couldn’t cry anymore. 

Crying doesn’t really make me feel better, honestly. It only reminds me how pathetic my life is here. Moving and working in Canada is the stupidest decision I’ve made so far. Sure I get to save so much money here. Sure I get to give my parents a better opportunity when they plan to retire later. Sure I get to have a broader experience here that would most likely be useful later on. Sure. Fucking sure. And in exchange, all I have to do is sacrifice my self-esteem as my manager will reprimand me anywhere I am to tell me how wrong wrong wrong I am and they’re so right right right without even asking what happened. Forget what I know about clarity and communication because of so many mixed signals and instructions to me and none of them trying to even equip you with skills how to do. Basically, I have to do their instructions no matter how or what. Don’t even look around to compare because even if they say they don’t discriminate the mere fact that only the Filipinos take the 4 AM schedule all the time and work 7 straight days without overtime pay makes one wonder. And even if I have a valid reason for whatever they’re yapping about, I must remember to just swallow my reasons, nod my head and say “it won’t happen again” because they’re right, they’re always right and so right whatever reason I have anyway is nullified. 

Take that kind of treatment every fucking day. And then try to even go the extra mile like help receive the delivery where you have to endure -24℃ while moving and carrying boxes, or clean all three ovens without being provided with the proper equipment to the detriment of your lungs, or clean all the hoppers, baking trays, base boards, fridge and freezers, or inform them which stocks are low because they didn’t do proper inventory, or do work totally unrelated to your position like refill creamer, make ice cap, make coffee for counter just to help move the line faster, do the dishes. Do everything for everyone as long as you don’t expect a “thank you”. Because you will never hear it. Because it’s so easy to see a glass half empty than a glass half full. Because it’s so easy for them to criticize you for what you have not done than what you have done. And when they criticize you they’d careless for how it would feel, as long as they put their point across. Bottom line is, because they paid for your way to Canada you owe them so much that you’re expected to work but not feel tired or pain or hurt or confused or even sick.

Maybe just today, I can’t cry. Maybe tomorrow, I’d cry again. Even if crying doesn’t give me any consolation I still wish I would cry and be red in the face and end up sobbing and breathe convulsively. As much as I feel empty I know that there is an underlying pain somewhere inside of me which I want to feel. I'd rather feel something, anything, rather than nothing. As much as I hate what they’re doing to me and my psyche I can’t allow myself to become someone insensitive, temperamental, and impervious. Because if I become that, I’d be like them as well.

I’ve been working six days straight and seven days straight the past weeks. I’m tired. I’m so tired I can’t even blog. Sorry. Maybe on Friday I’ll be able to post some of the things swirling in my brain. 

 1 There is a time for everything, 

       and a season for every activity under heaven:

 2 a time to be born and a time to die,
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,

 3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build,

 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

 6 a time to search and a time to give up,
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 8 a time to love and a time to hate,
       a time for war and a time for peace.

 9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

 15 Whatever is has already been,
       and what will be has been before;
       and God will call the past to account.

I didn’t think I would accumulate so much cards since living here. It’s been only six months and I have so far five, no, make it six membership cards (I got another one today), three airline miles cards, health card and SIN card, a passport, a credit card, Tim card and a debit card have been crammed in my brown wallet they’re like sardines. With all those cards you’d think I have wads of dollars in my wallet too. But I’ve lost quite a number of wallets in the past that taught me to not to put cash in my wallet. Also, there’s really no point for me in carrying so much cash when you can just pay almost everything in plastic.

But seriously, I need a new wallet. A wallet that will hold all the cards. And a bag that can be crammed with almost everything I bring to work everyday. So I did something I’ve never done before and spent two hundred dollars to buy one each. I know! I know! It’s f*@&^#! expensive! It’s so expensive I won’t even tell my mother. I can already hear her bitching about me spending my money irrationally. And even if there is a rationale behind the bag and the wallet, the cost for her is still, well... a cost. B

ut I comfort myself that the bag is classic enough and sturdy enough even if I use it every day.

So presenting the two hundred dollar worth wallet and bag...

Now the only thing I’m worried about (besides my mother’s reaction when she sees it in July) is someone stealing it when I walk downtown Cebu when I get home.