I had to remind myself that this call was long distance. And I’m paying for this phone call. Because I just realized that I was rambling which is not normal for me. Yes. Not normal despite my ADHD. It was difficult to focus on my words though and what I wanted to tell her. When I would think of what I want her to know about him, my mind goes haywire with the sensory overload of his laughter or his smile or just even his name. I felt bad for her then, having to listen to me ramble.

I have no clue if I made my self coherent or not or if she even had an iota of what I was going thru thinking about him. But after so many minutes of expensive long distance ramblings she said, “I think he’s the one for you.” I laughed partly because of relief that she took my words and feelings seriously despite my poor relationship track record, and mostly because I felt the same way. I felt that he is “the one” and I am hoping we were both right.

That was six months ago. I still think it’s a miracle ⎯ that I’ve found the one guy who is both thoughtful and reliable, also sexy and a wonderful lover. He really is the best of everything. An unaffected, down-to-earth boy from Georgia who loves spaghetti and country music and fishing. Yet also a brave soldier and respectable police officer. A natural in parenting his children. He is handsome without being vain. Scrupulous but not judgmental. Confident but not arrogant. He did exactly what he was going to do - no exceptions - yet retained an air of mystery that kept me on edge, kept me wondering.

He cared little what others thought of him, yet seemed to earn everyone’s respect. He was coolly aloof yet somehow still passionate. And I fell hard and fast in love with him, overwhelmed by the certainty that our feelings are as equal as they are real.

With a broken voice and tearful sobs she blurted out, “I love you and I love mommy. And I don’t want to choose between you and mommy. Why can’t you be together again?”

As I listened to the child wail to her father, the inner child in me wailed too and I was shocked to taste something salty on my mouth. I was only listening to the conversation but I felt her pain and before I knew what was happening tears were streaming down from my eyes. For a child to feel so much confusion and pain at the age of seven is too much even for my somewhat callous heart.

Divorce has been a common situation in most societies in the Western culture. Growing up in the Philippines and being raised by religious parents, separation was really not much of an option to my parents even during the time when my father was neglecting my mother and us, his children. It’s a fact also that due to the strong ties of the Philippine people to the Catholic church, divorce is not legally permitted in the Philippines. And although my parents are not Catholic, the vow my mother made before God has made her decide to stay with him even at the darkest and hardest point of their marriage. Perhaps if my parents were Western my parents would’ve divorced when I was very young and I would be weeping the same bitter tears as that seven year old child.

Yes I know, I am lucky that after 33 years my parents are still together. That despite all the cheating, drugs, emotional abuse, and neglect when my father was still starting out with the constabulary my mother thought of our future and decided to stick with him. That after twelve years of these things, by God’s grace my father changed and has become a better father than I first knew of him.

I know that this doesn’t apply to all. Each person has a deal breaker in a relationship. Each person has a threshold for pain. Each person has expectations from their partners. And for me trust, fidelity, and true love are non-negotiable. I cannot look at my partner the same way if he cheats on me. Once my trust is broken, I may trust you again but not enough for you to ever break my heart again. Most times I often decide not to even risk trusting my partner anymore. This is the root of all reasons why I have never committed myself enough to anyone before. Enough to marry. I have seen my father cheat on my mother, I myself have been cheated on. And how my mother stayed with my father despite his infidelity is beyond my understanding then. But this is me speaking from a perspective of a single person who is not responsible of another person’s life. And this was my view before I met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

The child’s father explained patiently and lovingly that he loves her and she doesn’t have to choose, her mother loves her too but daddy and mommy can’t be together anymore. How can you explain such things for a seven year old to grasp it? As much as you want to shield your own child from the pain, the reality is when your spouse cheats it is the most painful experience of all. For you to inform a seven year old of this fact may help to understand and help them stop asking for the unthinkable but then there is the greater possibility of bigger consequences for your child. Like your child hating your former spouse, your child growing up being non-commital, and worse your child growing up resenting you.

Hearing this conversation I realized that when there are children involved already, what I want for myself would have to take a back seat and the needs of my children will come first. I know this in my head, I feel this in my heart. And for my child I will try to keep my family intact. It is a bitter pill to swallow but one I won’t hesitate taking for my child and the values I would like him/her to learn. At that moment as I listened to that child’s painful sobs and feel tears streaming from my face, at that moment I wished I was her mother and I can take away her pain and ease her confusion and not give her any even to begin with by staying married to her father and love him as long as we lived. For me, a child should never have to choose between her mother or father. For me, a child should see her parents as one unit that loves, disciplines, and supports her.

I know that compared to other people, I had it easy seeing my parents still together and be a living example of what marriage is about. It is a dying tradition, marriage, in the real meaning of the word. Something I don’t take lightly. Something that in the near future I know I will go into. And for my unborn child (or children) this I will solemnly promise you, “I take your father to be my husband, my partner in life and my one true love. I will cherish our union and love him more each day than I did before. I will trust him and respect him, laugh with him and cry with him, loving him faithfully through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face. I will give my hand, my heart and my love from that day forward for as long as we both shall live.” And behind this words I utter a prayer to God that He will enlighten my child of the depth and breadth of this vow and raise my child up to be a person who values commitment with all her heart and mind.

I know I haven’t written anything the past weeks. It’s not that I have nothing to write. I do. I’ve just been preoccupied with my day to day life that every time I think of sitting to down to write something else comes up that I need to do first. But today is different. Today I have nothing left to do but to sit and write the thoughts in my head. So I’m writing again. Most likely I will write about everything swirling in my mind until it will be empty again like a dried up well that will wait until the next outpour that will make my mind lush of thoughts again.

The past few weeks B and I have been talking about his visit. We first started talking about seeing each other last year before Christmas. Ours is not a typical relationship. Everything from the beginning was electronic. Meeting in an online dating site. Having long conversations mostly in chat. Some phone conversations that got both our phone bills skyrocketing. And since he went home from deployment from Afghanistan and got himself one of those Android phones we’ve been talking in Skype. Ours wasn't what society would label a conventional relationship. And for sometime (even up to know) people who know us frown on it and think it’s not real, it’s risky, and they have discouraged me from putting out so much of myself towards him. They don’t really see that the time we spent with each other whether it’s just in the phone or internet is a huge investment we are making. It may not be your typical foundation for a relationship but we’ve known so much from each other despite the lack of physical proximity or intimacy normal couples have.

Earlier today he told me that he doesn’t know if he will be able to make it by my birthday. For some reasons unknown to me the Department of State is asking for his parent’s birth certificate. This should be easy if both of your parents are together. This should be easy if you know your parents whereabouts. This should be easy if your parents really cared about you enough to ensure they communicate to their children or correspond to them. But these aren’t the situation for B. So what one would think is easy can just throw it out the window and be ready for a difficult and frustrating task ahead.

As he was explaining these things to me I can’t help but detach myself from the situation and try to see it clinically. There was no room for disappointment. Not when B is in a difficult situation. At that point all I can think of was if I hadn’t lived in Canada he wouldn't be in this situation. If I wasn’t in a relationship with him he wouldn’t be frustrated like how he is now. And so I gave him an alternative. I suggest that he meet someone else. Someone closer in his vicinity. Someone he wouldn't have to have a difficult time with.

I know that this is a very cruel suggestion. To push the person you love with all your life and tell them, “Go! I’m setting you free, find someone you can settle with and be happy.” Deep inside it was tearing me apart in a million pieces. But the emotional training I’ve learned in all the years kicked in and instead of crying and succumbing to the pain of losing him I had immediately detached my heart and gave a practical solution wanting him to agree but hoping he wouldn’t. The guilt of being the reason why he is in an exasperating situation drove all any emotions away and I could only focus on correcting the situation. Yes, maybe I’ve learned to be a martyr. But only to those I love so much.

Eventually, B had me convinced that these whole thing is not my fault. And while he doesn’t want anyone else but me and we’re going through a little speed bump, it’s how two people in the relationship handles the speed bumps along the way that matters. When he said these words I gave up. It wasn’t because he spoke of the truth. I knew that all along as I tried to reason him into finding someone else. It was the other truth that has been haunting me for months but refused to acknowledge it’s phantom existence. It was the truth that despite everything, I am afraid.

He has long gone to bed and as I watch him sleep through his video cam, I ask myself what am I really afraid of. What am I scared of so much that I will even suggest that he find someone nearer to him, someone he can see everyday, someone he can spend time with? I know that what he and I have is not based on normal perception. How we see each other is limited to what we say when we talk to one another, what we see in the video screens, what we allow for the other to know or see. Ultimately I am afraid that if he comes any closer to me he would see how dark and twisted I am and realize he doesn’t really love me like he thought he did before really meeting me.

But after all the things I’ve learned from him I’ve come to understand that this relationship isn’t just about me. We both have a common need, we both have common desires, we both have common goals and dreams, we both want similar things, and maybe we both have common fears. But the difference is he doesn’t dwell on what he is afraid might happen. He only focuses on the good.

In economics I’ve learned that the higher the investment risk, the greater the potential investment return, and the greater the potential investment loss. There is no mathematical equation that will determine the potential loss when we meet. But even if there is, I’ll take a cue from him. So... sure maybe after we really meet, one of us may realize we don’t really love the other and then lose it all. But since we both made big investments at each other and invested wisely, we’ll take that chance. Because the truth of all truths is, despite my fear, I know that the payoff is something of a wonderful surprise.