I have lost count of the number of times I’ve lost my temper and become hissy at  B. It’s not something I’m proud of and every time I am able to rationally look at the situation I get so ashamed of losing my temper and being hissy I wish the world would just open up and swallow me. At times I wish he never met me too coz he’d save himself a lot of pain if he and I were never together. I feel as though I am constantly struggling to be better or cool or be laid back and every time, I lose it.

My old mentor having noticed my anger management issues once pulled me aside and ask, “What do you gain when you lose your temper?” and I said “Nothing”. And I think he wanted to teach me something with that talk but it didn’t helped much. I was still as Nazi as I was the first time and I still give scathing sarcastic comments when I get aggravated. But lately I’ve come to realize that my answer wasn’t true at all. I don’t gain “nothing” when I lose my temper; I actually gain a lot of self-guilt, promote hate and mistrust, and worse of all I break apart every good thing from my relationships. 

I wrote a few weeks ago how I try to work on my behavior first before I feel any feelings, and I tell you it’s HARD! Most times for me, feelings are fucking nuisance. I get offended with the slightest joke, irritated when things aren’t done the way it’s suppose to be done, and feel rejected when I don’t get attention. It’s sad really, and I worry at times he’d get fed up with my childish and evil ways he’d quit and just leave. And when that worry starts to gnaw my insides a part of me says “I wouldn’t be surprised if he did leave you.” Yeah, you can call me psycho.

But what I don’t write is when the tables have turned, when  Bbecomes hissy and nothing I do or say makes him happy. It’s like he’s tired of sunshine and wants some male bonding time. When the slightest concern or question causes him irritation creases his forehead with a wrinkle and he gives tart replies. They are once in a blue moon days, but they do happen and when they do I look at him like a deer caught on headlights and I just want to make a run for it before he hits me or something. I’ve learned to watch for the signs (cussing out loud, banging the mouse on the desk, more cussing, a firmness in his voice tonality, still more cussing, and his face looks like a cop who caught me doing something illegal) and I’ve learned to take a deep breathe and let it roll. It’s nothing personal, it’s just the way things are in any relationship.

So now that I've come to face my shortcomings and correct my flaws, I've come to realize that it's not just changing one's self and being better but also accept the person for who they are and giving them the best even though we're treated poorly. In any relationship it's not just enough to say "I love you", we have to live it and work on it. 

"Opinions are like testicles... 

If you hit them hard enough it doesn't matter how many you've got." 

~ Varric, DA II

So lately I’ve been spending a lot of time with my Xbox playing Dragon Age Origins, the expansion pack and Dragon Age II. I know that for some it was a lame way to use up most of summer but hey, whatever floats your boat. 

Like any role-playing game (RPG), DA makes you choose a character and personality and you try to stick to it. You can romance your companions, sleep around non companions, be friends or rivals, push them away so they leave you, and ultimately after all the quests you get to the climax beat the bad guy and try to save the day. But then there are dialogues and gossiping among your companions. And those are the things that I actually look forward to in the game. Most of the time they fight amongst each other. But then they also spend a lot of time looking out for each other’s back. Silly as it may sound but I take it personally if one of my companions betray the team. And if you hurt ‘em, I’ll kick your butt.

Let me say though that I never expected to learn any life lessons from those games...

|Wynne taught me what leadership is about 

|Alistair taught me the value of helping out family as well as looking out for myself

|Morrigan taught me that being a bit evil is not that bad

|Leilaina made me appreciate beautiful things

|Zevran has taught me second chances 

|Sten made me realize that we must learn to be contented too

|Oghren has taught me to laugh from the belly

B thinks my game is slutty, I guess because of the romance options in the game. But that’s fine by me, because a good beer and a laugh makes the dragons worth killing in the end.

For so many years I've lived by myself. Having left my parents at an early age (because of my hard headedness) I have gotten used to paying my own bills, moving to different places, cooking meals for one, Christmases and birthdays alone. The loneliness over the years isn't something that goes away but over time I've learned to cope and if the sad carols I hear move me to tears I tell myself at least my family is still complete, we just can’t be together.

Despite my age though, there is still a little girl in me who wants to be taken care of by my parents. I know I can’t get it from them anymore and even then there was some sort of awkwardness between my parents and me. I love them but with them I have to be always strong, and smart, independent, and self-sufficient. And most times I get tired of being the woman they expect me to be. Most times, I just want to be plain old me.

So I suppose it’s a blessing living with my two older Filipino couple. They’re the parents of my landlord who offered that I move upstairs after a year and a half of discord with the Filipinas I used to live with. Initially I didn’t talk to them because I had a feeling that they have heard bad things about me and the hurt I felt from my previous room mates was still fresh in my heart. Eventually I started getting to know them. They generously offered food even beyond the usual “kain tayo, Dar”. And as weeks turned to months our bond became stronger, I eat with them, cook for them, clean house and do errands for them and they do the same for me. I became the daughter they never had and they became the parents I wish I have.

It’s going to be a year since I’ve first moved in with them in a couple of weeks. I feel that I’ve never lived with anyone else but them. Our loneliness living in Canada has drawn us to find companionship with each other. Perhaps in the near future I will move away from here and finally be with  B. It’s not something I dwell on though, because as much as my heart is excited the sadness of separating from Nanay & Tatay pinches my heart. 

A few days ago, I watched as my manager was about to get another pair of the least selling product to stock her area, and even before her gloved fingers touched it I told her not to get it explaining production is slow and I want to keep wastage to a minimum. She looked at me incredulously and in a joking manner retorted, “You control everything!” I grinned and said, “I know. If I didn’t you’d be fuming about our daily waste”. As I walked away her words still echo in my head. And instead of being angry I felt a confounded sense of validation to her statement. And this validation was met with a realization that my desire to always be in control which used to be my greatest strength has now turned against me.

In one my coaching sessions with my former mentor, he told me that I have a Type A Red (or Choleric) personality. I laughed but asked if it was wrong but felt I’m right. That itself gave proof that I am a Type A Red, a control freak, a perfectionist and worst of all it goes hand in hand with codependency... a boon to any business but a curse to any form of intimate relationship. So a few days ago I started reading on my personality type and below is an excerpt from Wikipedia alone---

Vulnerability

"Control freaks" or "perfectionists"[4] can be seen as defending themselves against inner vulnerabilities, as with the man who was "a dominating control freak because of his mistaken belief that if he wasn't in control, he would re-experience his childhood angst".[5] Such a figure will "cajole, wheedle, pressurise, get 'difficult' all the time, to get his own way. He's always behaving like a puppet-master, tying strings on other people … because he can't bear to be changed himself".[6] Similarly, a woman who 'is not grounded either in her own imagery or her own musculature … finds her identity in power over (sometimes called love of) her body, her family, her friends, her garden … Without that control, she is nobody'.[7] When such a control freak pattern is broken, 'the Controller is left with a terrible feeling of powerlessness … But feeling their pain and fear brings them back to themselves.[8]

Control freaks have been linked to codependents, in the sense that "codependency stems from a deep-rooted fear of abandonment, which leads to an excessive need to control and dominate … to control others because they fear they cannot control themselves".[9] Recovery entails recognising that being "a control freak … kept me in codependency, and pushed people away from me. To grow out of controlling, we learn to be, instead of do".[10]

In terms of personality-type theory, "the Control Freak … is very much a Type A … driven [by a] need to be in control".[11]

Type A

The theory describes a Type A individual as ambitious, aggressive, business-like, controlling, highly competitive, impatient, preoccupied with his or her status, time-conscious, and tightly-wound. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving "workaholics" who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence.

In his 1996 book, Type A Behavior: Its Diagnosis and Treatment, Friedman suggests that Type A behavior is expressed in three major symptoms: free-floating hostility, which can be triggered by even minor incidents; time urgency and impatience, which causes irritation and exasperation; and a competitive drive, which causes stress and an achievement-driven mentality. The first of these symptoms is believed to be covert and therefore less observable, while the other two are more overt.[3]

Choleric

A person who is choleric is a do-er. They have a lot of ambition, energy, and passion, and try to instill it in others. They can dominate people of other temperaments, especially phlegmatic types. Many great charismatic military and political figures were choleric. They like to be leaders and in charge of everything. They can be very manipulative.

I am citing only one source. And before anyone says I am self-diagnosing and it is unhealthy let me reassure you that it’s all good because the fact of the matter is what I’ve read I can affirm as what I do and how I act and the way I think and feel. Perhaps not all of them are real (such as being brand conscious or saying no to coupons) but I’d say nine out of ten of the information I have searched online is true. Now going back to the discussion on hand, having such a complex personality I want to give kudos to everyone who’s still my friend and moreso to  B who’s never quit on me. I mean really... I am such a spoilsport and anyone who’d be around me would feel so oppressed I’d kill me if I was in a relationship with myself.

I am self-centered and egotistical, I tend to neglect the fact other people have feelings, I am very sensitive to criticism and losing control of a situations revive the skeletons in my closet. I look rude, arrogant, and pushy. I cut off people mid sentence and tend to give ultimatums. And I don’t think I have to state it but since we’re in a ball right now I’ll mention the fact that I have intense anger issues.

Even typing my faults now makes me want to just look for the nearest hole and let the earth eat me up. I mean really! They said 15% of the population has a personality type similar to mine but my question is, how do we live with ourselves?! But being the Type A Red that I am, my motivation has shifted on how to become better. How do you not become an asshole? Since I’ve realized how much of a killjoy I am, it only galvanizes my desire to work on my behaviour first then my feelings. It means I have to learn to chill without a pill, unlearn impatience, let things slide, accept wishy-washy people, give more hugs, smile more. And those are just a few of the things I need to accomplish on a moment by moment basis.

Such hard work! The consolation is at least I realize this now before it’s too late. Personally, the idea of learning to de-stress makes me a bit stressed already. I think my unrolled yoga mat will be a permanent fixture in my room from now on.

The post I wrote early this morning was published using the new Blogger app for iPhone. I wanted to try it and I imagine if a popo watched me walk to work this morning the cop would most likely stop me to check if I’m drunk. Coding at 3 AM while walking in streets lit by a handful of streetlights is something I won’t attempt any time soon.

The good news though is it works. The bad news is it’s not fully functional especially if you’re like me who is anal about aesthetics. Here are some of the features and challenges I had noticed and experienced when I was using it:

• Posts are not arranged on a consecutive order. Perhaps it was based on the date when the app was launched that’s why I notice the dates were all “11-09-09”. Yet even the entries were not arranged from most recent to oldest but a mishmash of very old, very new, and some in between.
• When writing a post and publishing, it will use the generic Times New Roman 12 font in black. To publish on your preferred font, size, and color you need to know a bit of HTML coding. If you want tabs, alignment, create a list, use any italicization you got to code it. Writing a post is like writing the simplest form of email without any embelishments.
• Pictures can be uploaded using your camera or existing photos in your library. I’m not certain though if you can use either/or the front and back camera of the iPhone 4 as I am using a 3GS.
• Unlike the full site, you can’t schedule when you want the post to be publish. You only have three options: 1.) save as a draft; 2.) publish it now; or 3.) delete it permanently.

• It takes an average of a minute for you to save a draft and then see your draft in the full site. That’s not bad.
• Tapping the nifty “B” at the bottom center of the app will bring you to another page where you can see your blog in mobile format. However, it will only display your post entries and any extra columns you have will not show up besides the “About Me” section. There is an option though to go to view the web version without having to open a Safari browser.
• Any post written/embedded in Java will not show (this is an iPhone limitation).
• If you use any java against plagiarism it will be disabled. Meaning if people can’t right click on your blog if they use a browser, using this app they can. But no need to be paranoid. They won’t be able to access your iPhone Blogger app anyway unless for some reason you leave your phone lying around unlocked.
• You can include your location in your post. I don’t use this particular features but it is included.
• Key features not available are: Posting videos, stats, blog settings management, comments moderation, page management. changing template, and layout editing.

Over all, I’d give them a Needs Improvement but would give a B+ on speed. Hopefully the feedback I submitted would be accounted for. Can’t gripe about it though as the app is only 2 days old. 

Finally, Blogger has developed an iOS!

Ever since I started using an iPhone I have been wanting an app that will let me be able to blog. Almost three years ago when I acquired my phone one of the first apps I checked was Blogger to make it much more convenient for me to start an entry and finish it and save drafts to finish when I have more time in my hands. Unfortunately no app can be found. I’ve tried numerous alternative apps but having so many accounts online makes it cumbersome to maintain and even keep up with. Eventually I decided I’ll just wait for the Blogger app optimistic that it won’t take too long of a wait since Blogger is a branch of Gmail.

As I waited my posts started to dwindle. After all, having a job that is tedious and physically draining the least I want to do at the end of my shift is recall what was that idea that popped in my head a few hours ago. My Journler is full of ill composed posts that would probably make my highschool English teacher scratch his head and wonder where he had gone wrong. Sorry! Having an attention span of a five year old, there are numerous posts I start composing on my phone but do not end up finishing.

I’ve just finished downloading the app now. I’ve checked on it and it does not (of course) have the same interface as the full site but it should do for now. Some posts do not reflect in consecutive order. This app has a long way to go. But it will do for now.

Do you remember how it started out? You were praying for that someone who will be able to withstand your complex behavior. Most times you wondered if you’re prayer was heard or you’ve missed meeting the person because of so many screw ups you’ve done in your life. Then the dream came to you one day and you saw his face the first time, waking up brought you tears because you wanted to sleep forever just to be with him. But it gave you hope you’d see him one day and it made you realize that you had to suddenly grow up and be ready for that day when you’d be with him.

Remember the time when you opened up an account on that dating site? You weren’t the type but you thought this is the chance for you to meet him. You talked to a lot of guys and even started getting serious with someone in particular even though you knew from the start it wasn’t going to last. You told yourself you mustn’t settle just because you’re getting older and he might just have had a roadblock getting to you. You laughed and said okay. A few weeks later you saw his profile. 

You stared for hours at his picture and felt your heart go triple time. You hardly get nervous but you were to a guy who doesn’t even know you existed. You wondered if he’d even care to know you and you bashed the thought that maybe he’s taken. He can’t be taken, you told yourself, because he was the man you dreamt so long ago. So despite your self-deprecation you sent a “flirt” to his online account and prayed so hard he would reply even though you already knew he would.

Do you remember the first time you talked? You were so nervous you were pacing in your room. It was funny how you walked back and forth when you’re room was only a little bigger than a closet, what was funnier was that he couldn’t even see you because you were only talking in Yahoo Messenger and the only sound coming from your computer was “blop” when he sent you a reply. You played 21 questions and as soon as you got to the difficult question you didn’t finish the game and gave the excuse that the other guy you were seeing back then wants to hang with you. Later on you tried to hook him up with your close friend but inside you wished he wouldn’t bite. 

It was all cyberspace but it felt like you were betraying the other guy’s trust simply because you already knew from the beginning that this is the man you are suppose to say ‘til death do us part. Eventually the other guy gave reason enough for you to let go. You didn’t care though people laughed and somebody said it’s not a compatible match.  All you knew back then was he is the one meant to be with you forever. Despite the distance you were hopeful of the day you would be together. 

Do you remember the way it felt? Together you were so on fire and so in love. You’d lie in bed but didn’t sleep, hours of just talking and giggling and sharing. The passions you had for each other would make anyone blush. He tried to make you happy and kept his promises. You loved him faithfully and tried your best not to let the distance bother you. You wrote letters and sent him songs. You’d wake up wearing his old t-shirt. Calling him as often as you could even though it meant only hearing him breath while he is asleep. You told him stories and you laughed so much. The time with him was so precious that you didn’t want to rush.

Now you keep saying “We’re okay” but you know you don’t want to settle for good not great. You’ve change so much and it’s not even a plus. You’re so angry and jealous and hurtful and mean. Making him afraid of even sharing anything to you. Now when the words are said, it just seems hollow and farce. The confidence you’ve once had is now long gone and you don’t know what to do. You wonder where did that loving funny woman has gone but then you gotta realize you then and you now is one and the same. You’ve changed for the worse and you can’t bring back the memories and live in the past. But you can change for the better and then be the best rather or just let him go rather than make the person you love live in in misery.

Remember the vows that tied him to you. You may not be married but you gave a promise. Live, laugh, and love. Love yourself. And just because you love him but don’t just assume he knows. Remember the things that you used to do that made him fall in love you. 

Remind yourself, remind him.