I saw him again last Sunday night. And again I felt knives stabbing my heart. Since I started seeing him more often lately my heart has been hurting. It hadn't hurt like this for 3 years now but lately it has come back and gotten worse.  As he turned around to use my Mac to export some pictures, I pressed my mouth tightly to silence the gasp of pain that was about to come forth. I winced as I held my chest.

He noticed it earlier the day and asked me when it started to happen. And I responded lately. And left it at that. 

But I remember the night before it started. 

We were out drinking beer and just having a good time. And I remember slowly revealing a secret I had harbored for months. I remember telling him again that I am sorry for hurting him. I remember as the night got deeper and deeper I professed my love for him. I remember asking if he would like to try again. Yet he changed the topic and I had to ask him why and he just had this look of pity in his eyes. He said he didn't know what to say.

I remember him lashing back at me and making me remember all the hurtful things I have said and done. I remember holding my temper and clamping all will to fight back and defend myself. I remember being crucified again for my sins that he had said he had forgiven. I remember pulling my knees near my chest and sobbing and begging that he has to forgive me. Chanting it over and over like it was my mantra. I wanted to shout that he had won, that he had hurt me, that he had succeeded and gotten even.

I remember I cried that night like I had never cried. I had never felt so vulnerable and pathetic and full of self-doubt. I cried because I wanted to be sorry for being with Mr. Gigolo right after we broke up but I couldn't because I knew it was something I had to do to grow. I cried for all the accusations hurled that I held my silence. I cried not because of the rejection but because I knew he was just passing his time with me and didn't really care about me anymore. I cried because I didn't know why I still love him despite this lopsided treatment. I cried because once again I let myself settle for being unloved.  I wanted to ask him to just give me a break up speech and leave me forever. The remnants of our once beautiful relationship is simply coital. But I didn't. All I could do was cry.

I remember. Because that night, my will broke and a quiet voice inside me said I deserved this. And as dawn crept I remember my a physical pain manifest in my heart. At first it felt like sharp nails clawing. But as I cried some more it felt like the nails were poking my heart squeezing it tighter as I cried some more. As pain gripped my heart I find myself unable still to stop crying. I cried until I couldn't make anymore tears. Until I passed out from exhaustion for being emotional and melodramatic.

He asked me if I wanted to see a doctor. I said no, it'll pass or I'll just die. And he left it at that. Why would I pay a cardiovascular doctor to give me a diagnosis when I already know the cure? I don't need to see a doctor, I know my own cure. I just should stop seeing him. But how can I when I have let him matter again to me. And so I let the wave of pain pass. For now, I can still take the pain. For now, my heart will just ache but not yet break.

I found myself last Saturday in jail. Of all places, the last thing that ever crossed my mind was to be in a detention center. Yet I was. For 3 hours I stayed in a correctional facility surrounded by inmates who have murdered, raped, trafficked drugs, and have committed every heinous crime that is punishable with a lifetime sentence. 

And yet despite being in the midst of these criminals, I found myself giggling, laughing, clapping, and actually enjoying myself inside the Cebu Provincial Detention Center and Rehabilitation Center (CPDRC) And who wouldn't when I was there watching 15 dances including the popular “Thriller” dance number which exploded in the World Wide Web through YouTube and boosted CPDRC and the Philippines in the limelight resulting to media craze, delight and amazement.

And if you knew the story, it's not the dances that made it amazing but the way they were able to make a180 degree turn from being notoriously corrupt and a source of headache for the provincial government to a disciplined group of inmates and source of pride to Cebuanos. Other penitentiaries have tried to integrate the dance exercise that is being done in CPDRC but they have not been successful because the inmates joy in dancing is just a result of a positive expression of the soul. 

Change was done from inside out for CPDRC and as we mingled with the inmates after their performance it struck me that if I were to loiter inside the BJMP Detention Center which was across this facility I would be heckled. Here, the inmates smile shyly and would not fall out of line all they wanted was a picture taken with them and a chance to smile for the camera. I envy them. They have broken hearts but they are able to push it aside and enjoy the moment and let their soul be immersed with music and dance. I admire their spirit. They find joy even if they are confined inside a gray building year after year.

As we left, I wished that in the future these people will continue this positivity they exude and perhaps they won't be dancing anymore but my desire is for their hearts to still carry a tune of gladness.

In celebration of Earth Day, I would like to post this video. 

And if your hear someone singing or humming this tune then it might be me because I caught the Boom bug.

Tensile strength is the maximum amount of tensile stress that can be subjected to a material before it tears or fails. To date the multi-walled carbon nanotube has the highest tensile strength of any material yet measured. When given a constant load, carbon nanotubes will bend over to surprisingly large angles before they start to ripple and buckle and then finally develop a kink. The amazing thing about carbon nanotubes is that these deformations are elastic - they all disappear completely when the load is removed.

I don't know what my tensile strength is. But I know my Euler limit has gotten better and better as I went through a lot of pain and hardship. It made my spirit stronger. It made my mind grow wiser. It made my heart go colder. 

People have loved and loathed my strength. Touché. I love and loath it too. While this gives me an edge in my decision-making skills, it also is my waterloo as irritation clouds my judgement when I see a form of weakness characterized by people who have not seen the harshness of this world. While I have gotten stronger I have yearned to be weaker. 

But as I start to weaken my defenses, I am more vulnerable to the attack of the one force that can hurt me. A force so strong there is no means in this world that would stop it. Thus the pain is inevitable. Sooner or later I get hurt. Hurt so bad to the point of death. And yesterday it almost happened again. The tragedy is while I can't live with this force, I am compelled by blood and by surname to be attached to it. To him. 

Even if I could never do it, yesterday I fought back. I fought back by retreating. I fought back by running. I fought back by exclusion. It was wrong. It was right. It was the smartest and dumbest and hardest and easiest thing to do. To cut myself off from my own blood... from my own father... was the most brilliant thing I did for my own preservation. But it was the darkest day of my heart. The whys and hows do not even matter anymore. 

Yesterday I became an orphan. 

Yesterday I died.

A day after I have made the decision I sit for hours lost in a silent stupor. There was no relief of freedom. There was no exuberance of being alive. There were no shed tears of pain. There was nothing. Not even weariness of going to war. I had removed the once force in me that would have led to my physical demise. But the years of carrying the strain of the relationship have left me so many kinks that would never be removed. The blow of the force yesterday was enough to join all those kinks and shatter something in me. 

“Cheater!”

My indignant colleague's voice - Gretch - got my attention. They were talking about the qualifying test the company gives to its new employees after training. Gretch clearly did not approve that David made a cheat sheet and used it. This had me asking if we could create cheat sheets since it wasn't stated by the trainer that we can't make notes for reference during the test. No one had the answer. And everyone wanted me to ask the trainer. Riiiiiiight! The 20th employee and the only neophyte and I will ask if we can make a cheat sheet. Why the hell do they want to know this now is something that will always be a mystery.

This got me thinking, why do people think that referencing cheat sheets during work tests is cheating while extending on breaks or surfing while working isn't? 

I looked up the word “cheat” in the dictionary and found out that to cheat is to act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage, esp. in a game or examination. Hmmm, even a lexicon correlates it to exams but not time or money or effort. 

Given that most companies nowadays has a form of online knowledge base or manual for easy reference on the job, it is mundane to give a test to an employee and expect him to be able to memorize or learn everything in a week. I have worked for Apple and I did my time too - I went through training, took 3 exams and had to have an 80% score if not higher, and took a couple of calls (two, to be exact) despite the fact that I was to be one of their Area Managers. All the while I used cheat sheets and was encouraged to use it. I am not expected to know the answers, but I am expected to know where and how to find them.

In this new company, I'll call Bamm Bamm, employees, or at least the most influential one, frown at cheat sheets. Tsh! How can she call someone who is being resourceful a fraud? The bottom line is getting the job done and doing the job right.

This scenario brought me back in time to high school and my worst enemies - the honor students who knew it all and never opened notes during tests but would oh so casually try to look at my test paper for answers. Looking at Gretch's indignant face made me smirk. So this is how they look like 13 years after... still know it all and still casually checking out other peoples' stuff, only this time they prefer computer screens.

I find her twisted sense of integrity astounding. But as I try to think how will I be able to tolerate Gretch while working at Bamm Bamm, I realized maybe she finds my integrity astounding too and wondering how she can tolerate me. 

Each of us has our own form of cheating, each has their own barometer on cheating. And maybe most people won't define cheating the same as mine, but I realized I don't want to rip myself off the friendship and the experience other people may give me. I rest my case on her, but I'll still make my cheat sheet.

Today was my second day at my new job. A job that has more computers than employees in the office. The number of colleagues I've met would not even go beyond the number of digits in my right hand. They are however a better bunch than (some) people I've worked for and with in my previous job. There are no whiners, stabbers, gossip mongers and delusional employees in this company. So far I haven't been introduced to anyone who smiles like a hyena. Then again who knows, two days may be too early for me to even make a comment.

And while I previously posted that I will not blog until I have installed Ubuntu 7.10, Honie kept asking me how's my job which has caused me to flub on not blogging. 

I shouldn't be wondering. There is always a check and balance for things --- matter vs. antimatter, light vs. dark, Christ vs. the anti-Christ, good vs. bad. And in my new job, this check and balance of things has occurred already. Yes there are no predatory employees and employers (which is GREAT!!!) but there is boredom which I have never experienced in two consecutive days in The Corporation (except when I was a new coach and the position didn't have a job description). 

The greatest challenge that I am battling in this new job is boredom. Which is making me shudder. If I am already bored and this is a new job, how much more 2 months from now. Fuck! 

It's very tempting to just close my eyes as the air conditioner hum and spend the rest of the hours in sleep mode but I sit 3 feet away from the boss so it is torture to even try to think and read and click my mouse. I don't think I could take this any longer, something I shared with my colleague Cris.

I was thinking about taking a different job. Something more challenging. Something more stimulating. Sitting eight hours a day for five days makes me a prime candidate to the varicose vein club. Besides, there is another offer. I was contemplating on taking two jobs but I when I did the math, having six hours of sleep each day doesn't seem enticing. And while I boohooed on my dilemma thinking how screwed my brain will be a week from now because of boredom, an advertisement for Ruiz Derma caught my eye.

There between Botox and Unwanted Hair Removal was services for Vaginal Reconstruction. This made me laugh. Wow! Cosmetic surgery for the female genitalia... and I thought I had a dilemma. 

I can't stop thinking about this. It's been on going the past weeks and today I finally talked myself into sitting down and doing it. No more procrastinating. No more excuses. No more blogging until I get this done. What inane project have I started this time? I'm trying to install Ubuntu jeOS (pronounced "juice") in my Mac without Parallel and without breaking my Mac *gulp* as I do not have my Leopard installer disc with me. So I'll see you soon or I'll see you never. *wink* Pray this won't be a Darla Fool's Day.