Hello. 

Asking how have you been would be totally out of place. After what I have seen and read, I know you are more than okay. 

It’s stupid really why I have such neurosis over you. You who made me cry so much before. You who treated me like a disposable toy. You who promised to love me 'til I turn forty but wasn't able to even treat me right until I cheated on you. 

The right thing to say is “Wow! I am happy for you.” But I can’t say that. Not yet anyway. At this moment all I want to do is hurl something at your face for fucking me around when you never could commit anymore. I wish I should have kicked you out of my room when you said “I want you to remember me with happy memories”. FUCK THAT SHIT! It made me just cling to you more and allowed you to use me more. I want to hurt myself for allowing you to come into deep when some hunch told me already that you’ll just hurt me in the end. As always. Like before. I know that happiness is my choice. And I am happy. But when I remember you and dating so soon my heart bleeds.

Some jilted bitch once said “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. I will, with the best of my efforts, not tread that path. So before I say all the nasty things I wanted to say, I want to tell you this: from the moment I decided to love you again last March until this very day I have loved you with all honesty waiting for you to love and forgive me and take me as I am. But since I know you will never forgive me, I am comforted with the fact that at least it is over between you and I. Before I get pregnant. Before the vows. Before years of investments. Before I petition you to come here. Before I cry some more.

Thanks for the pictures I’ve seen in Friendster. Thanks for the words I’ve read there too. Thanks for letting me see how selfish, egomaniacal and vindictive you are. Thanks for not taking me back, I don’t want to stay anymore anyway. Thanks for letting me see how masochistic, self-flagellating, pathetic I have become clinging to illusions about you. 

Hopefully soon, my heart will heal. When my head hits the pillow I will think of someone else. But for now it’s not yet there. Even though... this one I mean from the bottom of my heart... Enjoy your new fuck because I’m not coming back for you anymore.

I find myself biking again. After years of swearing off riding any two-wheeled vehicle here I am biking almost everyday. 

I’ve learned to love hot showers and now cold water makes my stomach jump.

I’ve gotten the habit of pressing F12 on my Mac the moment I get out of bed. With one button I’d know how cold it is and how many layers do I have to wear for work.

Scarves, hats, sweaters, turtlenecks, gloves and down-filled jackets are essentials now in my wardrobe. Stilettos are no longer the must have for me.

I finally was able to watch a snowfall.

Lately I find myself wanting to write. It’s just difficult to string sentences together though. Too much is happening too fast and before I knew it the day is over and I have to get up again to take a hot shower and dress up for work. Having two jobs isn’t fun. But I feel it’s a waste if I let go of my previous job since the dollar exchange rate is quite high lately. So I spend time making double doubles during the day and bike home to do audits online. Blogging has taken the back seat and even as I type furiously tonight I doubt if I will finish this in a few minutes as I am way past bed time. But I am writing. Except I have been creating gazillions of drafts and I hope this one makes it through and gets online.

A couple of weeks ago, me, Mai and Arnie went to The Bay to window shop. On the way home we passed by a couple of Filipinos. Now this isn’t the first time that I have seen Filipinos here. But stories shared by Mai has made me wary of smiling at fellow Filipinos because they do not usually smile back. So I let them pass and as usual when I was walking side by side with Mai she shared that she smiled at them and they just gave her a once over look. Tough.

Then there’s my former room mate here. The first time I met her, I knew she didn’t like me. Heck, three out of four of my housemates already didn’t like me even before they met me. I was the last one to arrive and my then room mate, who has the biggest room, is stuck with me. It’s funny coz she had all the words and the smile and the actions that would make it seem like she was genuinely friendly and not actually keeping her deep dark angst towards me the moment I arrived. She’s way too passive aggressive.

Now another gay Filipino who've I've recently met has astounded me with his lack of manners. He borrows money from people he just met, opens his host's fridge when he visits, assumes he can use my computer anytime even going inside my room while I am alone sleeping, assumes he can boss around anyone, and has the foulest and loudest mouth I have heard so far. His narcissism is sickening I find it tiring to be around him.

Before coming to this country and city I was scared of the change but then my old “you go girl!” attitude came over me and I was pretty excited and confident I could wing it in this country. But now that I am here I realize that there is another coldness that I find overwhelmingly difficult. The coldness of the Filipinos I’ve met is far cruel than the wind or winter. You would expect that we would cling on each other for support and encouragement and a genuine relationship. But after the fake smiles of initial introductions reality bites and the trivial things make us be at each other’s throats or tittle tattle at one another. 

With all the wars in the world, I’ve mellowed and try to avoid cat fights or bickers. I’ve learned that I can always walk away when I’m angry or hurt. I’ve learned that after all the angry words said to me I don’t need to retaliate and the kindest thing I can do to save my face and avoid cutting another is to close my mouth and turn my back. In retrospect, my professor is right. Only humans are capable of hurting for no apparent reason.

But as I've mellowed I cling to a small string of hope that I will find real friends here. Maybe they'll be Canadians or Natives or Filipinos or German or whatever nationality or sexual preference. As long as I can honestly say they respect and love me and I the same.