I know I haven’t been blogging. Sorry. Time seemed to move fast forward the past few weeks. Two weeks ago I was moping and scared of moving and now I am here in Kelowna, British Columbia missing the sun and the easiness of life and my friends and him. Moving is inevitable so I have been fighting my sadness by taking walks and discovering the place and at the same time getting drunk with the beauty of late autumn and the being amazed by the cleanliness of the city.

C’est la vie.

Moving here is a 180 degree turn. No more jeep or cab flagging. No more cheap salons. No more tanduay or perspiration. Even the fastfood places are different (service folks in KFC & McDees do not wear hairnets and look really sloppy). The biggest adjustment for me is the cold. Since I walk 10 minutes from the house to work, I find my extremities numb and cold when I get to work or back at home. And winter is just about to start. In a few weeks (not days, I hope) the snow will fall and I will suffer in coldness some more and my skin will dry some more. My cousin, Ianne, is a BIG help in teaching me what to wear and I hope she is right that I will acclimatize soon. That way I will stop grumbling and enjoy going out and focus on more important things like learning the bus routes, doing groceries, going to the lake and raiding thrift shops and going skating and going to the movies. There are a lot of fun things to do, but getting used to the temperature is priority.

I want to write some more but I think the heater is broken. I’m going to snuggle between my warm sheets and have Kermie stare at me to sleep. Cold cold go away, come again another day.

Like everything in life I am thrust into suddenness. One minute I was having dinner and laughter with Diz and the next minute I get a call that my Visa has been approved and I am on my way to Canada by October 22. She felt a tad bad that I was leaving when we were just starting our friendship but then she was also excited that a big change was coming. For me, all I cared was going home and trying out my new titanium hair iron.

Five days later I am in the midst of a tumultuous room where my clothes, shoes, books, toiletries, sheets, bags and everything are in complete chaos each wanting to jump into my luggage and not in the propped balikbayan boxes to be carted off for a rummage. And then there are other things to attend to like seminars, shopping for winter clothes, driving lessons, last minute office transitions, and more sleep deprivation. 

Moving to Canada is no longer fun. I am pulled in different places all at once and while everyone is excited for me I am left behind doing all the preparing and packing and stuffing and segregating and disposing and sealing and boxing and everything else I have never done before in my life. But like all the years there is one thing that has never changed... I am doing all these things without my family close by. Like all the years I am going through the changes all by myself.

For the first time in my life I am afraid. What if I fail their expectations? What if I get sick? What if no one will like me? What if I can’t make it? While self-doubt engulf me I stare at my room full of mess and sob. I feel I cannot do this. I feel I cannot do this alone. I send a message to Tanduay girl asking if she is busy. I need her. I need someone to listen to my broken heart. I need someone to give me strength right now. In the midst of my sobs I hear myself cry out, “I cannot do this God. I cannot do this all by myself. I need your comfort. I need your strength. I need you right now as my friend.”

As my tears fade and peace slowly envelope me. I looked at my empty luggage, unzipped it and started putting my favorite blanket in it. It is a long journey, it is a big change. But I know I will live through it. I know I will prosper. For my hope does not lie on wealth or man. My hope lies on the God of big and small things.

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile. When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're
everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

You’re on to me, you’re on to me and all over…
Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.