Argh!

I am desperately trying to add my recipes in my blog in a separate page so I don’t have to maintain two separate blogs and also not pay for a real website. 

But I am failing. Like badly.

I may just have to close this site and open a foodie blog. But on the other hand I like having this blog to rage to and be inappropriate without people firing me or trying to get me arrested. 

Oh I don’t know.

My belated birthday gift from  B came today.

It’s one of the best toys a girl like me can have. And before any dirty mind starts imagining I’m talking about different toys. Let me post a picture of what my  B gave me">…

Now, isn’t that a thing of beauty?

The passing of veteran actor and comedian Rodolfo "Dolphy" Quizon made me pause this morning. 

Another pillar in the Philippine entertainment industry is gone. But with his passing he is not leaving a void for he has left a lasting legacy to the Filipino people. A legacy of laughter and great movies.

We have a guest. Not just any guest who we wanna kick out after three days of staying but a special guest we want to stay forever.

J is in town visiting. He is  B’s oldest son. Let me clarify that ---  B’s oldest son is 15 (turning 16 on December) and he lives in a different State with his mom but every now and then or at least once a year B flies him to his State and spends some time with him. This month is that time of the year when he is in town and we get to spend some time with him (Although that last statement may seem confusing to common folk, I want to clarify that  B makes it a point that the children recognize and treat me as if I am there even though I am not physically with them). It’s a rare event when all three kids spend it  B with under the same roof.

The first two years that he did this we were still starting our relationship and I was still learning the ropes. His two younger children spends every other weekend with him and our relationship has evolved from the novelty to common. The two children are so used to me that they look for me, call at me, and most times ignore me too. One of the things I have learned is divorced parents have it different when it comes to parenting compared to parents who are together and live together under the same roof. Divorced parents and parents who are physically separated to their child or children (because of work or duty) often times over compensate because of the guilt they somewhat experience for not being able to to be there for their child. Over compensation can be in the form of lax in discipline or over abundance of material things. Perhaps it is my Asian upbringing combined with the military training and my masters educated parents but as I got to observe divorced parents and OFW parents form of child rearing I feel somehow that that aspect is something to be worked on.

Forgive me if I seem judgmental, in the contrary, I have utmost respect for divorced and OFW parents as well as children of OFWs and divorced parents. Due to the challenge of trying to discipline, be supportive, guide, instill values to their child despite the absence of the other parent and their limited resources the single parent attempts to give more, care more, acknowledge more, value the children more, and even love more than most do. One parents attempting to fulfill the role and responsibility meant for two people makes the word “parent” mean so much more.  

Due to trying to fulfill the role meant for two people, being a single parent is difficult and at times some things fall thru the cracks. Some misbehaviors are not corrected, some values not instilled, some attitudes are left unchecked until these children are too old to be corrected or accept discipline. When me and my separated and divorced friends discuss this they always comment “you don’t understand us because you aren’t a parent”. I scoff at this blind accusation because even though I am not a parent (i.e. bore and raised my own child) it doesn’t mean I am not entitled to an opinion. I know being a single parent is hard, there are some things I recognize B cannot do such as cook the children nutritious food or ensure their clothes are coordinated and not wrinkled but there are some things that I can expect from him such as ensuring the children do not watch TV all day (and night) or they do not shout at each other whenever they fight (which is OMG almost every hour, I think).

It took me some long weeks of thinking and few times of fighting with  B before I was able to understand that most single parents struggle with the fear that perhaps they are being a bad parent to their kids because they aren’t with their child(ren)’s mom or dad and some parents fear that when the children have grown up they’d blame their parents for not being there for them when they were growing up. I don’t say I understand they psychology behind a single parent’s parenting methods. But one thing I’ve learned from  B is that he tries to be a good parent to the kids as best as he could, and he may somewhat be a pushover but with me in his life now he is able to curb this side of him. On the flip side, I’m learning to take it easy and be more confident in the parenting styles I am am comfortable with. 

With the things I’ve learned since I’ve been with B, a part of me now wants to “over compensate” by asking  Bto teach him to drive a car, buying him some games and clothes. We want to make up now for that one year he was away from us and try to make this vacation memorable. While we do realize we cannot turn back time or buy his affection, we can’t help but try to make this trip special and hopefully he would be given a chance to stay with us permanently.

A month after  B and I got married, he applied for my I-130 to the US Department of State so I can move to the US and be with him.

It's been a long time before we got to that part. I still remember the time when we first met online and decided to be with each other exclusively though we haven't met yet. Then there were the times we've fought so much that I thought we were going to separate. Her sister told him I was only after a green card. My sister was apprehensive of me being with an American as they're notorious for being too cocky. We were both sure of loving each other, even though it wasn't always expressed it was a given that what we have is special and one that can last a lifetime. Until my Canadian Immigration papers came in the mail almost turned things around...

I want to be a Canadian Citizen and I have to wait at least 4 more years before I can be one. Now let me be clear and write that being a Canadian citizen is not a lifetime dream neither is it an achievement I have been planning ever since I was young. I moved to Canada in 2008 and even when I was processing my immigration papers I wasn't certain being a citizen is something I wanted because it wasn't something I needed. And then I slowly fell in love with the place, the culture, the government processes. In this country you are valued, you are taken cared for, you are supported, and as long as you are legally entitled to be here and you are law-abiding it is easy to find job(s), get training, and achieve your goals. The recent recession is not something that affected the Canadian economy, so instead of scrounging for places to work, there is actually a shortage of manpower to get the job done.

Months before we decided to get married on a specific date, I talked to  B and told him about my desire to pursue my citizenship and because of the length of time to achieve it he didn't seem to thrilled with the idea. He was so bummed that he talked about postponing everything but the way it sounded to me was he was breaking things up. That bad. As I listened to him I had to make a decision right then and there... to stay in Canada and pursue this citizenship or to marry him move to the US and attempt to keep my permanent resident status in Canada. It was the thought of days without  B...long hours and weeks and years without the man I love... what is the point of being a citizen here if I lose the one I love? So I told him, I'll move to the US instead but I refuse to be a US citizen.

While most Filipinos vie to be a US citizen and they think I am crazy for refusing to be one, I can relate more to the diversity of Canadians and their attitudes. Also, I am afraid that when I move to the US instead of being able to make my dream of having my own restaurant/pastry shop into a reality I'd be stuck again working at some dead end job because of the recession in the US. These are fears I haven't shared to B because I have seen how loyal he is to his country and voicing my concerns might hurt his manly feelings. For all intents and purposes, I am moving to the US because I have a duty and my duty is to be with my B. I write these words with a sense of pride because I want to be beside  B and build a home with him. 

So now we wait for the decision of my I-130. I have written this post to put my fears to rest and be optimistic of my future. I take comfort in the wisdom I learned when I left my parents house at 16, when I took my first inter-province bus ride alone, when I first learned to drive a car, when I first moved to Canada, and the first time I saw  B and knew that change was about to come --- change is inevitable and I have the power to choose how I feel and how I will deal with my situation. The great part about this is unlike my trip to Canada in 2008, I have  Bwho is going to be with me for as long as we both live and that alone makes my fears all in vain.

Today is my 33rd birthday. And because I have Facebook, I have been greeted by fifty-six people already, quite a feat prior to my having a social networking account! I wonder what would happen to birthdays and all those special holidays and life events if Facebook was not invented by Mark Zuckerberg. 

Because I am Filipino, I dread birthdays. It's that day in a year where you are coerced to treat your friends because it's your birthday... as if you owe them for your birth thus "treat them". I think that is the stupidest thing ever! First of all, if they are really my friends, then they should have the balls to treat me instead of the other way around after all it is MY birthday. Second, not everyone has the financial capability to treat all their friends. And lastly, if you can only afford to treat say 3 of your ten friends how will you choose the three without offending the rest. So because of this stupid mentality, I have opted to hide on my birthday and do whatever I wanna do.

Now I am in Canada and the norm for birthdays is different by a hundred eighty degrees. People pay for your dinner or dessert or at least pay for their own meals. And if you get to be invited in a house party you gotta bring your own liquor and a gift. The least you can do is get birthday card to the one who's invited you. 

But I don't hassle people with a party at the middle of the week. My husband isn't here to bring me out to dinner (and pay for it). I dislike the idea that they are also going to think about a present or a card or be inconvenienced by that day in my life that marks me a year older. If tables were turned I don't mind getting them a gift, but because I am in the receiving end I choose to keep things low. This birthday I'll stay in the house and patter around. 

In a few hours this will be over. I'm a year older and hopefully I'll be a year wiser.

I love my little hole in the Internet.

Even though it’s been …let’s see…  "too long" seems to be the appropriate number. And to answer a few questions: No, I have not conceived and given birth with the amount of time I haven't blogged and Yes, I did go thru some life changing events.

Believe me when I say, I feel guilty for not blogging. It's like forgetting-to-pick-up-your-own-kid-in-school-guilty that a lot of instances I have thought of shutting down this blog coz I can be a coward sometimes. And  Bhasn't been helpful either as he never ceases to point at the obvious whenever he checks on my blog. It's not as if I have bajillion followers who go to this puny space in the world wide web to get their daily fix of bitchy me, but even if I know it's probably just a handful of people who check my blog and read my rants posts either lacks the passion to write most things that goes thru my life or I tend to protect my privacy so much.

Anyway. To give a run down of the things that happened the past nine months here is a list of what happened (in no particular order):

|I got married!!! Yay! Got hitched to my best friend  Bso I am now a Missus! It's still something I am getting used to since were still physically separated by a huge land mass. 

|I am now a Canadian immigrant. That was something of a close call actually. I didn't know that I had to stay single until I do my landing in Canada or they'll cancel my immigrant status. God is gracious in my life though and I was able to process my landing 2 days before our wedding.

|Celebrated Christmas. I have a surrogate Filipino family (they're actually the parents of my landlord) and this past Christmas was so far the best Christmas I've celebrated with them since I've moved in this place. Plus, I learned to bake Ube Macapuno Cake. 

|No Philippine trip.  B and I was really hoping to go to the Philippines after our wedding but since I had to process my landing and I wasn't sure if my passport was going to make it in time for our vacation, we opted to postpone our trip until after I move in with him.

|Lost two friends. One was because I chose not to deal with the drama. The second was because she didn't treat me as friend... it was a one way street.

|Moved to a different store. Ah, that's all I can say about work.

|Restarted an herb garden. Just five herb  varieties this time and primarily on those I really use. I am just confused with my sage though... coz the leaves don't look like anything in the pictures I see online.

So there it is... the past nine months (without the stress). My birthday is happening in two days. I'm stoked! This year so much has happened and so much more things are bound to... I just hope I'd have the tenacity to take time and blog about it.