I have been catching up on Kitty Kat’s blog. A nineteen year old’s blog of things she wants to say out loud but never could. Or I think, she never would. 

Most of the time she hides her emotions in a mask of apathy. Usually emotions brought on by words of the General. And while I feel her angst and helplessness I have nothing to give her but a smile as we web cam. Not even a hug or a simple gesture to hold her hand to let her know I understand. 

I understand the growing pains of growing up. The turbulent years where you want to make a difference, make your parents proud, do the right things, follow your passions, be rich, be happy, be everything and be something. Despite the yearning lies a chasm of doubt because in all honesty you don’t know how to these things. And worse, you don’t know what is it you really want

Life, it seems, is all about suddenness. Suddenly you are conceived. Suddenly you are born. Suddenly you learn how to walk and talk and run and climb and do things that parents find absurd, funny, stressful, ignorable. Suddenly you are in pre-school and have to learn how to make friends. Suddenly you are in elementary and struggle through books and teachers’ homework and making friends. It is around this time that you are suddenly aware how poor or rich your family is. And then this realization suddenly accost you with feelings of want, envy, wishful thinking, ambition. And if you have younger siblings or a middle child, competition to be the star in the family happens. And then when you are getting used to your situation, suddenly you are in high school. Suddenly you get these weird feelings of love or infatuation, rebelliousness, wanting to be recognized and be in chic or be just you. And this time around the negative emotions of hate, hurt, jealousy, pity come to you when you least expect it.

Getting used to highschool is no joke. But when you least expect it again, you graduate (or not) and the so called “adulthood” happens. And if you get lucky you get to college where a zillion of options open up to you. But no matter what at this point in your life making the wrong decision is a hell of more painful than a decade ago of your life. But the right choices are most rewarding, maybe not to you but at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter as long as everyone is at peace and your parents are not berating you. At this point the suddenness of responsibility, time management, integrity, team work, and all other skills that are pre-requisite in landing a job is more crucial than your ambitions or your own desires. Only a handful of people tend to get what they want or live the lives they wanted. 

At the point when you are getting the hang of it, old age creeps in and you find yourself wobbly in the joints and most likely incontinent and then the suddenness of death happens too. And you have nothing left. 

Sometimes I wish there is a rule book, a manual, an idiots guide to living and adulthood. If I had one I would lend it to her and make more copies for others to use. And because there isn’t any, I know that she would have to wing it on her own. Maybe my smile from million miles away brought near by our webcam would make things easier for her.

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

The past few weeks I had been very busy with being a manager for two positions. Lately, the number of people I am required to hire have increased as the owner of Bamm Bamm is doing a re-org and at the same time most positions are being outsourced here. 

After sifting through 600, and I mean SIX FREAKING HUNDRED, applications the last four weeks I can’t take it anymore. I wanted to play hooky. But I’m too tired to doll up. I needed instant gratification. I needed a quick fix just to help me cope with the stress. The only thing I can think of that would help me chill by just investing on my fingers was surfing the world wide web. Boringly simple but at least I didn’t have to light a stick, or sweat on a yoga mat, or deplete my stock of Zs.

So off I went to Web Land and guess what I found!!! There’s an online engine that donates to your favorite charity or school. You can even shop from there and they’ll donate too. So I am adding GoodSearch on one of my favorite sites. 

Nways... while I was at that page I thought of searching for PETA. I’m not vegetarian as most of my friends say. I just don’t eat four-legged animals.  Eating chicken is a pain because I don’t want to eat chicken but Cebu loves their meat and I am out of options. Going back to my 10 minute pleasure surfing I found another site.

Now this site, is not for the weak of heart and stomach. I was horrified after watching Pamela Anderson’s coverage on. I cannot believe how these people can raise chickens that way - chock-full, poor light, poor ventilation, no veterinary services! I have raised my own chicken inside our house and clearly these poultry farm owners have no respect whatsoever to life. They only see money. The part where the people were stomping and throwing live chickens on the wall made me so angry I wanted to shout at them to stop. But because I couldn’t I ended up crying instead. Poor chickens! Chickens have personalities! Like cats, pigs, dogs, cows, and humans. I snort at people who say that it’s just instincts because I’ve raised my own piglet at home named Angelique and my own chick at home named Chickadee and witnessed first had that if the animals like them are treated with love and respect they return it too.

Growing up in the farm, killing chickens wasn't really bothersome. We treated them kindly, and every afternoon we would visit them, some afternoons I would play them some Mozart. And so when it was time to kill them and sell them to the market, I believe that they were doing a willing sacrifice for my family to have money. Even if it would hurt me every time each chicken throat was slit, I believed deep in my heart they are happy, even Chikadee's. 

After watching that video I swore off eating chicken not just in KFC. It made me realize that some people bite, stomp, throw at the wall, and even curse the hand (or chicken for this matter) that feeds them. Because I do not know how the meat I buy in the market was treated, I don't want the cruel animal owners to continue to make money and buy more animals which will just be maltreated. 

I don't eat four legged animals for health and environmental reasons, I won't eat two legged animals for ethical reasons. I’m going to maintain a strict pesco-vegetarian diet, until scientists can come up with a conclusive study that even sea creatures feel pain.

Snowman illustration from Jenn Hogg Art.

Tadz and me were walking on the way to the office. We took a short walk to the convenience store near the office to buy some stuff. You know. Stuff.

We got to talk about today being the start of the -ber months. She laughingly shared that when she opened the radio early this morning the station was playing Christmas carols. It's absurd how Filipinos love to countdown days.. or months months months away before Christmas.

As I sat on my desk nostalgia came over me. Another year, another Christmas, another happy day for everyone but me because it's another Christmas I am alone. I didn't want to feel weepy and sappy over a day but gosh!!! It's hard not to feel lonely on a day when families are suppose to be together. I try to remember my past Christmases with Tanduay Girl and her family but that made my eyes sting. With my trip to Canada around the corner, Christmas in Boracay doesn't seem a possibility anymore. 

*Sigh* My mind can't handle it yet. So I did what I am always good at... I ran. I ran from sadness. I ran from tears. I ran from pity. But even as I ran I looked around and I realized that no one is beside me. And I am still lonely.