Here we go again...

I have been pushing it back the last few weeks trying to make myself preoccupied so it won’t touch me. But, alas, today as  B watches TV and I sit in front of Mackie I can’t stop the sadness reaching me. I was hoping that it would be that usual bout of loneliness that I feel when the thought of us doing things together but not really doing things together hit me. This time it is a bit harder because not only do I feel sad, I feel despair. I know I can’t even type anything after this words. But I force myself rather than cry and cry and cry and cry.

I’ve always been a planner by nature. And since I have met  Ball the plans I have made for myself and for my family I had to scrap. Things are different with him and his kids in Georgia. In order to be with him I have to relocate myself from Canada. In order for me to do that I have to find a job or wait for my mother’s petition or wait for him to petition me. And then I receive my work permit from the Canadian government. Another two years. I know I can resign anytime. But there is no reason to if I can’t move myself from here to there.

So now I am realizing again the importance of living in the moment. If I continue to focus on the day to day tasks, I feel okay, even hopeful and happy. But then the planner and goal-oriented part of my brain kicks in and makes me zoom out of my happy and hopeful moment to focus on the big picture. And then the part of me breaks apart and the happy bubble I am bursts because there is no clear big picture to focus on, all long term plans are on hold.

Over and over I keep telling myself I am a strong woman and my faith will see me through. But these days I am tired of being strong, tired of seemingly waiting, tired of expecting things will be different soon, tired of hoping today we will be finally together. Today I am tired of the uncertainty and the waiting. And I all I have left are the silent tears and the sobs I try so hard to swallow just so  Bwill not hear me wail.

Not having the future figured out is scaring me and our separation is making me feel that I am losing time with him. I wake up from nightmares that we’ve gotten so old and we are still in the same situation we are at now.

But I know God is trying to teach me for years to be still and trust Him. After so many years He wants me to learn the discipline of spiritual perseverance - something beyond endurance, it is endurance combined with the absolute assurance and certainty that what I am looking for is going to happen. He does not want me to simply hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately knowing with certainty that He will never be defeated.

I will go before you and will level the mountains;

I will break down gates of bronze

and cut through bars of iron.

I will give you the treasures of darkness,

riches stored in secret places,

so that you may know that I am the LORD,

the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

- Isaiah 45:2-3

“Bakit ganon... ang lalake pag binigyan nya ang pamilya nya ng pagkain, damit, bahay, 

tapos napagaral nya ang mga anak nya agad sasabihin ng mga tao 

‘Aba! Mahusay syang ama’. 

Pero kapag babae ka kahit na ibinigay mo na ang lahat ng yun sa mga anak mo 

kasama pa pati puso at kaluluwa mo parang hindi pa rin sapat na tawagin kang 

mabuti kang ina. 

Sana pwede nating sabihin na ‘Oops tama na, hanggang dyan na lang ang pagiging nanay ko. 

Kasi kahit nanay ka nakakapagod din di ba?”* 

- Josie, from the movie “Anak”, 2000

I’ve written quite a number of posts about her. And most of them were of fear, of anger, of hate, of ambivalence towards how she treated me. I know I was being unfair that I would write so many posts about my mother and people who would read it would only know my side and the bad side of her. The truth is, and this is untainted truth, she did what she can given her circumstances and she tried to love me, love us without going insane.

For so many years I have focused solely on the things she didn’t do for me and the things she did do but to hurt me and make me love her less. I found her harsh and at times standoffish. When tears would stream down my face she would firmly tell me to stop crying. When I almost drowned she said I am still alive. When I fell from our tree house and broke my nose she said that that is still far from my gut. When my father would beat me up she wouldn’t say anything to stop him. And all these years I remember my childhood and become bitterly resentful of her.

Recently I had a huge fight with  B. And this fight resulted to both of us thinking the other broke up with the other. I was in a state of confusion and pain as it seemed my heart has been wrenched and all I had left was an empty void. In this melodramatic phase of my life I went and sought solace to the last person I normally would go to for comfort --- my mother. It may seem odd given our turbulent relationship but I knew that no matter how much I found her uncaring ways hurtful, the child in me always sought my mother’s comfort. I also knew that in more ways than one, I am very similar to my mother even to the type of man we’ve chosen to love.

We had quite a conversation and interestingly she took  B’s side. She meant well and she knew that my judgement was being clouded by emotions. Emotions that she had learned to hone towards her benefit when her abusive father gambled the house she and her siblings lived in. Emotions that she had skillfully used to her advantage when her siblings refused to send her to school because she wanted to take a different degree. Emotions she had learned to master to make things happen while married to a philandering drug using husband who refused to give her financial and emotional support.

It’s been pointed out to me that I hold on too much --- mostly grudges, past bad experiences, pain and fears. And now I’ve realized how stupid I’ve been. Instead of making bad things in my life become inspirations to do good or become better I’ve tried to let the past and my emotions dictate my actions. Instead of thanking her for giving birth to me, I dwelled on the bad history of my name. Instead of appreciating her effort to provide for our needs when my father was neglecting it, I grew spiteful of her absence. Instead on appreciating the strength my mother has instilled in me, I dwell on her shortcomings. I focused on her nagging, that she checked on me as if waiting for me to make a mistake, that she watched my every move, every book I read, every piece of clothing I wore, the friends I hung out with, the words I used. And the more she watched the more I grew resentful of her. And in all the years I’ve rebelled I thought she didn’t cared when in fact she lifted me up in prayer and begged God to protect me.

In between sobs I blurted I just wanted  B back. And she said, in a tone of certainty that she always uses, that he will be when he is ready. This gave me comfort. For so many things I have chosen to do or have in my life my mother had disapproved, the fact that she knew  B would come back meant that for once my mother approved my decision. I guess she knew that despite the quarrels and bickering between me and  B, he is the man who is for me and meant to teach me the different facets that love is. And so thru him I learned to see my mother in a different way... not as an Ice Queen but as a Ferz, the most valuable and powerful piece in the game of chess.

And so I’ve now reached a point in my life where I’m letting go of my past hurts from my mother. She wasn’t the ideal mother but I know that there is no such thing as an "ideal mother". She tried to make the best of everything for us even though she wasn’t loved much, cared much, needed much. And she loved me the best way she knew how and that was by not giving me up for adoption or abortion when she was told to do so.

~o~

*Don’t you wonder... when a man provides his family food, clothing, a house, and when he is able to send his children to school, people are quick to say ‘What a good father he is!” But if you are a woman, even after you’ve given all of that to your children even your heart and soul, it’s not even enough to call you a good mother. I wish we can say “Oops, that’s enough, that’s as far as I can be as a mother.” Because even though you’re a mother it’s also tiring, isn’t it? - Josie, from the movie Child, 2000