metamorphosed rock

Like everything in life I am thrust into suddenness. One minute I was having dinner and laughter with Diz and the next minute I get a call that my Visa has been approved and I am on my way to Canada by October 22. She felt a tad bad that I was leaving when we were just starting our friendship but then she was also excited that a big change was coming. For me, all I cared was going home and trying out my new titanium hair iron.

Five days later I am in the midst of a tumultuous room where my clothes, shoes, books, toiletries, sheets, bags and everything are in complete chaos each wanting to jump into my luggage and not in the propped balikbayan boxes to be carted off for a rummage. And then there are other things to attend to like seminars, shopping for winter clothes, driving lessons, last minute office transitions, and more sleep deprivation. 

Moving to Canada is no longer fun. I am pulled in different places all at once and while everyone is excited for me I am left behind doing all the preparing and packing and stuffing and segregating and disposing and sealing and boxing and everything else I have never done before in my life. But like all the years there is one thing that has never changed... I am doing all these things without my family close by. Like all the years I am going through the changes all by myself.

For the first time in my life I am afraid. What if I fail their expectations? What if I get sick? What if no one will like me? What if I can’t make it? While self-doubt engulf me I stare at my room full of mess and sob. I feel I cannot do this. I feel I cannot do this alone. I send a message to Tanduay girl asking if she is busy. I need her. I need someone to listen to my broken heart. I need someone to give me strength right now. In the midst of my sobs I hear myself cry out, “I cannot do this God. I cannot do this all by myself. I need your comfort. I need your strength. I need you right now as my friend.”

As my tears fade and peace slowly envelope me. I looked at my empty luggage, unzipped it and started putting my favorite blanket in it. It is a long journey, it is a big change. But I know I will live through it. I know I will prosper. For my hope does not lie on wealth or man. My hope lies on the God of big and small things.