my "dear John"

Hello. 

Asking how have you been would be totally out of place. After what I have seen and read, I know you are more than okay. 

It’s stupid really why I have such neurosis over you. You who made me cry so much before. You who treated me like a disposable toy. You who promised to love me 'til I turn forty but wasn't able to even treat me right until I cheated on you. 

The right thing to say is “Wow! I am happy for you.” But I can’t say that. Not yet anyway. At this moment all I want to do is hurl something at your face for fucking me around when you never could commit anymore. I wish I should have kicked you out of my room when you said “I want you to remember me with happy memories”. FUCK THAT SHIT! It made me just cling to you more and allowed you to use me more. I want to hurt myself for allowing you to come into deep when some hunch told me already that you’ll just hurt me in the end. As always. Like before. I know that happiness is my choice. And I am happy. But when I remember you and dating so soon my heart bleeds.

Some jilted bitch once said “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. I will, with the best of my efforts, not tread that path. So before I say all the nasty things I wanted to say, I want to tell you this: from the moment I decided to love you again last March until this very day I have loved you with all honesty waiting for you to love and forgive me and take me as I am. But since I know you will never forgive me, I am comforted with the fact that at least it is over between you and I. Before I get pregnant. Before the vows. Before years of investments. Before I petition you to come here. Before I cry some more.

Thanks for the pictures I’ve seen in Friendster. Thanks for the words I’ve read there too. Thanks for letting me see how selfish, egomaniacal and vindictive you are. Thanks for not taking me back, I don’t want to stay anymore anyway. Thanks for letting me see how masochistic, self-flagellating, pathetic I have become clinging to illusions about you. 

Hopefully soon, my heart will heal. When my head hits the pillow I will think of someone else. But for now it’s not yet there. Even though... this one I mean from the bottom of my heart... Enjoy your new fuck because I’m not coming back for you anymore.