be still

Here we go again...

I have been pushing it back the last few weeks trying to make myself preoccupied so it won’t touch me. But, alas, today as  B watches TV and I sit in front of Mackie I can’t stop the sadness reaching me. I was hoping that it would be that usual bout of loneliness that I feel when the thought of us doing things together but not really doing things together hit me. This time it is a bit harder because not only do I feel sad, I feel despair. I know I can’t even type anything after this words. But I force myself rather than cry and cry and cry and cry.

I’ve always been a planner by nature. And since I have met  Ball the plans I have made for myself and for my family I had to scrap. Things are different with him and his kids in Georgia. In order to be with him I have to relocate myself from Canada. In order for me to do that I have to find a job or wait for my mother’s petition or wait for him to petition me. And then I receive my work permit from the Canadian government. Another two years. I know I can resign anytime. But there is no reason to if I can’t move myself from here to there.

So now I am realizing again the importance of living in the moment. If I continue to focus on the day to day tasks, I feel okay, even hopeful and happy. But then the planner and goal-oriented part of my brain kicks in and makes me zoom out of my happy and hopeful moment to focus on the big picture. And then the part of me breaks apart and the happy bubble I am bursts because there is no clear big picture to focus on, all long term plans are on hold.

Over and over I keep telling myself I am a strong woman and my faith will see me through. But these days I am tired of being strong, tired of seemingly waiting, tired of expecting things will be different soon, tired of hoping today we will be finally together. Today I am tired of the uncertainty and the waiting. And I all I have left are the silent tears and the sobs I try so hard to swallow just so  Bwill not hear me wail.

Not having the future figured out is scaring me and our separation is making me feel that I am losing time with him. I wake up from nightmares that we’ve gotten so old and we are still in the same situation we are at now.

But I know God is trying to teach me for years to be still and trust Him. After so many years He wants me to learn the discipline of spiritual perseverance - something beyond endurance, it is endurance combined with the absolute assurance and certainty that what I am looking for is going to happen. He does not want me to simply hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately knowing with certainty that He will never be defeated.

I will go before you and will level the mountains;

I will break down gates of bronze

and cut through bars of iron.

I will give you the treasures of darkness,

riches stored in secret places,

so that you may know that I am the LORD,

the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

- Isaiah 45:2-3