noticing death

Yesterday a friend shared that a person we've known for awhile has passed away from lupus. This morning I found out thru Facebook that a former colleague died from stroke. Those two death notices have left me wondering about the inevitable.

Death is not something new to me. When I was highschool my aunt died suddenly from blood poisoning. Back then I was consumed by the guilt that maybe I caused her death. And then one of my cousins died from a car accident. I still feel a slight shudder down my spine when I recall his mother's wailing and calling me "Antoinette" as me and my cousin had similar features. My grandfather died not soon thereafter, but by then I have grown too distant to my relatives and family that I felt only a bit of sadness.

In between then and now I was consumed by work and any death notices were brushed aside and for those that were too shocking to understand I rarely felt much still. Until now.

I suppose this is a late quarter-life crisis or an early mid-life one, but the news of acquaintances' deaths made me wonder what I have done with my life and what memory I will leave behind. Sadly there hasn’t really been anything I’ve done with my life I’d consider meaningful and this realization has gotten me worried that if I die today or tomorrow my life will be nothing but bland memories for those who cared and hurtful ones for those who didn’t. 

When I imagine my funeral I know I will not get tearful faces or any gun salutes or heartwarming accolades and even my headstone would probably be just my name and the year I was born and when I die. And all of that don’t mean much to me, what’s quenches my heart is imagining people who knew me wouldn’t even care less if I died. Sad. So sad I wish I could live eternally. 

But I can’t. And so I have taken the time to think of my life and the legacy I want to leave behind. It’s not easy. It’s not like I have the making of a person who can cure cancer or give jobs to the poor. I know though that in my own small way I want to make a difference. Starting with those around me --- the people I have close relationships with, the people I work with and for, the people I live with --- I can serve and help ease their burdens instead of being selfish. Though I may not have power, influence and strength I know that my every action will be as a drop of water in a clear still pond to the Maker’s eyes. And at the end of my life perhaps even though no one comes to my funeral, it will not matter because I gave every moment of my life being a woman after God’s own heart.