My parents are not superstitious. For them there is only God’s plan and pre-destiny. I, on the other hand, being born “different” (as the General stated to me) is superstitious. I don’t believe I will have bad luck when a mirror breaks and I look at it, or being passed by black cats, or not sweeping the floor at night. Those things are plain stupid. But I do believe in trusting my gut feeling. Stronger than a woman’s intuition, my gut feeling is quite credible. I can’t predict if it’s gonna rain or when the lights will change in traffic. But I can sense when the person I’m dealing with is shady, or I will have a bad day, or if bad things are gonna happen. My mother calls it discernment. She has it too. She told me a decade ago that she actually prayed that God will grant me the gift of discernment because I’m stupid (“stupid” was not the exact word she used) and that the spirit will help me make wise decisions in life. I’m quite thankful she asked me to have it and God gave it to me as it comes handy. Listening and heeding to that nagging feeling is just something I have to learn. Because if I only listened to it I could’ve prevented myself from having a married boyfriend unknowingly, or getting into a motorbike accident causing my teeth to be crooked, or not finishing my degree, or not cheating on him, or not taking the manager position for Apple, and a lot of other grief.
Because there is no probable explanation on why and how I discern things it is difficult for me to trust it. It’s not 100% accurate even if the success rate is high and it’s kinda bothersome that I can only discern if bad things are to come. There is always a minority report. Like today
Today started out as one of those “off” days, I knew something was gonna happen but not to me. I felt nervous but could not put a finger on what or who. I wanted to sit still and wait for it to happen. But I couldn’t. Since I knew it’s not gonna happen to me and it was my rest day I had to clean up the house, besides, sitting and waiting for it to happen is just not feasible. I know from experience that if I don’t do the things I’m suppose to do, whatever bad happens may be prevented BUT if I don’t do what I’m suppose to do, people who rely on me will get frustrated. So I do what I do best, I pushed the “off” feeling I had at the back of my mind and tried to forget it. Eventually, the things I had to do distracted me. I was cooking four different viands at the same time for our lunch and food we’d gift for our manager who will go on a year’s maternity leave.
We had to go uphill towards the Rutland store as she was there around lunch time. Around 1:30 I told my housemate, Yahnie that we’re going already as she was busy watching online. She asked me if we would take a cab or bike. My mind shouted to take a cab, but I said I’m not sure, whichever will do. All four of us were heading out already and Yahnie was saying that we should just take the cab because it was hot, I kept quiet as Gracie and My said we’d just bike. I was thinking about the bike to Rutland and imagining how much a heartbreak it will be because of the 20 degree incline and a part of me wanted to just ride a cab. Eventually we did rode our bike. After giving the food to our manager we rode a steeper incline of 60 degrees to go to the bank as Gracie and Yahnie will be sending money to their families. While me and Winks opted to go ahead after to go home, the three remained to go to a nearby thrift shop. As we separated that off feeling resurfaced but I was distracted by Winks who was sharing her frustrations at work. Even if I wanted to analyze my feelings I know it’s quite pointless. Riding down that 60 degree incline gave me an edgy feeling...my bike has a light frame and I was hurtling down faster than Winks. I had to remind myself not to use my left brake or I’d fly off and break my neck.
Our friend and super passed by the house and had a late lunch there as me and Winks talked about the latest store scandals. It’s been hours since we separated from the three girls. We had been waiting for them and wondering where they are. Around five, a cab pulled in front of the garage and I felt relieved when I realized they were home. As I walked out the front door I saw Yahnie, our super, and Winks talking animatedly with very worried faces. And then my eyes looked more closely and I saw Yahnie’s hands. Both had gauze bandages and her pinky and ring finger were gauzed together. She was alone. Where is Gracie and My?!? Good Lord. I stepped out the porch and asked what happened, Yahnie turned to face me and I was speechless when I saw her face. She looked like Chris Brown beat the crap out of her! Her upper lip was bloody she had a gauzed taped firmly on her chin while her purple hoodie was bloody and her pants had blood stains all over. I thought she crashed. What I didn’t know then was she used her left brake going down fast the 60 degree incline and she flew off her bike crashed face first on the cement and broke her chin so big she had to be stitched.
She took off her hoodie and I looked down her shirt. Looking at her neck covered with so much dried blood and her white tank topped splattered with so much blood made me want to cry. I wanted to cry because I felt so gulity. I should have conceded to that feeling and not moved or cooked today or do any of the things that I was suppose to do, I would rather they felt frustrated of my inability to do household chores and cook and decide to cancel giving the food to our manager than see her beaten up badly by the hard concrete sidewalk. But it’s over and done. Move forward. Bawling won’t help. I sat her down went inside to get a glass of cold water, face towel, basin of cold water, and some cotton and brought it out to the table. As she shared what happened to them, I placed the towel in basin wrung out the excess water and started wiping the dried blood off her skin.
Maybe it was wrong of me not to just sit and wait. Maybe not. I honestly don’t know. But if there is anything I know for sure. As much as I’m glad it did not happen to me, it did not make it any less painful for me.
kape_atbp | May 30, 2009 at 12:51 AM
How weird that we have that "gift." It is scary and yeah I feel guilty though I know how it's irrational to be guilty. I often prayed that God would take it away you know but it's still here, cos I don't really want to feel responsible about someone's life...a person shouldn't have to know that another person is going to die when there's nothing to stop that. It's unfair. But I guess it makes me more reverent about living if nothing else.