stepping on a landmine

"And there you see the distinction between our feelings: had she been in my place and I in hers, though I hated her with a hatred that turned my life to gall, I never would have raised a hand against her. You may look incredulous, if you please! I never would have banished her from his society as long as he desired hers. The moment his regard ceased, I could have torn her heart out, and drank her blood! But, till then - if you don't believe me, you don't know me - till then, I would have died by inches before I touched a single hair of her head!" — Emily Brontë

Probably the only thing inappropriate than B‘s behavior was my reaction to it. Erhmmm...let me rephrase that. The only thing inappropriate than what he did, was my reaction to it. How I see it now, twenty-four hours after it happened, I threw a hissy fit more than Mariah Carey and Left-Eye (TLC) combined. It started out from that red flag detector each woman has and the sirens of my intuition set off when I first saw them friends in Facebook. I know this shouldn’t be deal. Let me tell you straight out that this used to be not a deal at all. In all my past relationships I’ve always been indifferent towards ex-girlfriends. But then again, I can only be immune for so much.

He’s told me again and again that he loves me. He’s always given me time and attention. And really if I had any dignity last night I should’ve forgotten about it and gotten to bed. I knew months ago she was an ex who cheated on him. But what I can’t understand was why he was

okay being friends with her but not his other ex whom they share children and cheated on him too. The double standard is just beyond my black and white mind and I just couldn’t shake off the feeling that he was still somehow attracted to him as much as she is still attracted to him even after kids and husbands and wives and God knows how many years they’ve ended their relationship. This and the many other things I’ve known fueled the doubt I felt and jealousy smoldered in me. I would be all giddy in love with him but the moment her name comes up it took a lot of internal wrestling for me to beat that green eyed monster inside. But this battle with jealousy ended in my defeat when I saw the phone records. There I was staring at it, hyperventilating and not knowing if I will cry or run or just die. But I couldn’t drop it and I certainly should have. I have a bad habit at that, letting things fester inside of me and then boom! I become this feisty bitch who wants to be off with the head of anyone I am pissed off. Although they say it’s healthier to let it out than to bottle it up, in this case it was certainly unhealthy for both of us. B lost sleep and got really upset. And I looked pathetic, insecure, and immature, a look that surely isn’t sexy on me at all.

Maybe I am acting a bit too paranoid and having a similar experience in the past where so and so ex boyfriend hooks up with a common friend and cheats on me with her all the while making a pretense that he loves me, only me, loyal to me, with all his life doesn’t help at all. But just because I am being paranoid doesn’t mean it isn’t true. After all, there’s is more than one of everything, including cheating boyfriends. As they say, history repeats itself. And yes, lightning can strike the same place again despite popular belief. So who is to say that what I am suspecting isn’t true...if it happened before it can always happen again.

Nothing pisses me off more than a lie. And for me, emotional deception is the worst of all. It’s bad enough that you want to punch them in the face for stringing you along, but you also want to kick yourself while you’re down for falling for their bullshit. If you really care about someone, do yourself and them a favor. Tell the truth, no matter how much it hurts. Because believe me, lying hurts far more than any truth ever could. And no thanks to bad choice in men before, I’ve grown quite distrustful of the gender and have worked so much to protect myself.

On the other hand, perhaps I’ve never really grasped how much he loved me. I know that he was meant to be with me forever. I know that he is the exception in my life. I know that he won’t ever cheat on me. So who is to say that what I am suspecting is true...if it happened before it doesn’t necessarily mean it will happen again.

By letting my jealousy take control of me, I know exactly what I am doing - driving a wedge between us. A wedge that can turn into a chasm that will forever separate us if I don’t work on it. And if there is anything I fear the most it’s losing him. I’ve captured his heart and staked my claim on him long before I became the name after the words “In a Relationship with...” And I know that even if he never really said it in words, I know to him being me is enough for him. I love him. And I am really sorry for hurting him last night and letting my jealousy take the better of me. There is no excuse for what I did and said and almost done. Especially when he proves his faithfulness to me over and over. So as much as as it is going to be a difficult war for me to fight off and control my jealousy, I am going to do it. Because the truth is, when I get jealous and let it get over me I hurt myself as much as I hurt him.