can't put my finger on it

It was the ring that screwed me. That beautiful piece of ice that I took from the sales lady with nimble fingers. My friend and I went to a jewelry store to have my ring size taken due to persistence of B. And from ring size coversation it shifted to what kind of ring I like. I honestly told her I don't know. She then started having ring speak with my friend saying words like trilogy, princess, solitaires, round, carats until I got myself saying yes when asked if I want to try some on.

I remembered being surprised when I took it from her, it wasn't as heavy as I thought it would be. I looked down at that piece of jewelry and was fascinated by the simple elegance of the round cut three diamond engagement ring. It wasn't too flashy. It wasn't too plain. It was beautiful.

As I played with the ring on my finger letting the light make it sparkle I heard the saleslady and my friend encourage me to try it on. My face broke into a smile but a part of me was hesitating. This has gotten a bit out of hand and a bit surreal. I only came to have my ring size taken and now i have a ten grand ring on my hand and two women devil advocating me to try it. Normally I don't try on things I won't buy because it plants seeds of envy and unnecessary longings. But what woman would refuse such a pretty little thing?! So despite loud objections shouting in my head I slipped on the ring on my left ring finger.

I looked at my finger and felt pleasure as the white gold band hugged my finger perfectly. The stones sat on it without seeming to topple over suddenly or fly towards someone's face if I flicked my hand. Little did I know then that I should have listened to my instincts (which is usually right) and handed the ring back without trying it on feigning not liking it dragging my friend out the store and gone shopping. Because as I felt the band embrace my ring finger comfortably and look at it I imagine how much pleasure it would give me being proposed to by B. And the seeds of want was planted in me. The ring was perfect. It was beautiful and it was stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Over the course of a few months that want has taken root and grew faster choking all other things in me. I had gotten the notion that we're getting married soon. With or without an engagement ring. Over that time period I had assumed a plan for a future will form, mostly initiated by him, and there is such a thing as happily ever after. How I'd become so reckless and assuming in a span of 4 months is beyond me. But here I am with a brain twisted like a pretzel and a heart confused.

Between finding the perfect guy for you and wanting to be with him always, the worst position to be in is wanting to get married. What's worst than that is realizing that even if he's egged you about your ring size, asking what kind of ring you like, and talking wedding stuff your partner is actually nowhere near proposing. And I mean not in the next coming months or years.

I used to love taking things slow with him. But eversince the thoughts of being with him forever became a possibility, I've moved ahead a few chapters from him and thought "being with him" involves physical nearness, and "forever" will start the next year. And realizing he and I aren't in the same page has made my mood off kilter and I find myself resenting our separation, doubting his love for me, being depressed and crying, bitching at him, and partly regretting to be with him. And the past few days it has gotten so bad I've completely lost my focus that all I wanted to do is run from him as far as possible because I cannot come to accept the reality that he loves me but he is not marrying me. After two divorces no one in his right mind should jump into a third marriage so easily. I knew that, but my heart has taken so long to accept it. That's what happens when you let poisonous wants go out of control. They fester and refuse to die often resurrecting from the dead to take over your senses and feelings.

So here's my piece of unsolicicted advice: avoid getting dragged into conversations about weddings, or engagements, or babies - it will influence you to overly think things and hope you'd be popped the question soon, but reality is it ain't happening ... Yet or at all. Enjoy the moment and let your love blossom on it's own. Maybe he'll propose, maybe he won't. If you really want to be with him and marriage is non negotiable be patient and pray he'll come around eventually. But if marriage isn't really something you vied for in the first place, then quit smoking wedding crack and just be with him. Bottomline is - just love him. Period.

As for that engagement ring, I give you my finger... A dirty middle finger. For screwing with my head and heart and turning me into an eager beaver single lady. You pretty piece do not define love or forever. It's what I do to him and for him that does.