my exception

Dear  Brian,

I’ve started writing you now while you are getting ready for work. You know, I have you on the phone too and I’m playing Margaritaville in my iPhone. This isn’t really anything new to you. I mean me writing you a letter. I know I’ve sent you so many over the past few months and this one will just be one of the many and the many more that will come. And possibly like my previous letters I’ll profess my undying love for you and end this hoping it will touch your heart and probably make you somewhat a bit misty-eyed for me. That’s what I hope it will turn out. But then I’m getting a case of writer’s block. I feel panic rising up in me. The same kind of panic I felt when I am about to do a very frightening task... like something really life changing. Except this one doesn’t seem like it is. It’s the challenge of putting to words how much I love you that I find an unnerving task. With all the words I’ve written and all the conversations we’ve had about our feelings for each other, I’m concerned that all words are all used up and my brain has nothing more to say.

One can only wonder how many times they can write and talk about Love. And I guess that’s the reason why books, songs, stories are written about it because it’s such a complex emotion. I must say for me it has been intricate and more than once I was afraid I was getting total insane with the push and pull of emotions as I understand what loving and being loved is. For in my life I had never encountered anyone who was able to melt my hard resolve to not fall really in love. Neither have I met anyone who was able to made me feel so much pain of too much tenderness. To break down in silly giggles and whisper sweet nothings was also something I’ve never imagined doing with someone. To feel wounded because of unlearning bad behaviors in a relationship wasn’t something I would have ever allowed myself to experience in the past. And to do it willingly and joyfully! I would have scoffed at anyone who tried to make that happen.

I suppose, avoiding hurt was easier than nursing one. So it had always been more convenient for me to protect myself from pain, from rejection, from falling in love so much I’d look like a stupid fool. I’ve made sure no one will come close enough in me to break me, not even God. And while I made boundaries so that people won’t hurt me, that same boundaries kept me from waking up with a winged heart and a thankful spirit for another day with my beloved. To smile remembering something sweet or funny or fulfilling. Or go to bed with a prayer in my heart and praise on my lips.

You can say I’ve built a fortress. An impenetrable one. Yet even when I was building it and hiding behind it I’ve always known someone would come around one day and tear it down, brick by brick until my heart will be exposed for him to claim. And for you to come around and do it seems like life’s way of humoring me. Who else could invade a fortress, tear it down brick by brick, expose a heart and hold it captive but someone who’s been a trooper, construction worker, and an enforcer of the law. Despite my heathen nature, God must really love me because He heard my prayer a long time ago and put a check mark on each of the action item I asked in the man I want to be with.

Perhaps it was my naiveté in love and loving, but it took me awhile to realize that as much as you love me, your love is not sufficient to make and keep what we have. As much as I love you, I had to learn to trust you and earn your trust. I had to learn to have faith in God and have faith in you. I had to learn to understand and accept our differences. But above all, I had to learn that when the going gets tough, not to quit. Because that’s what it means to love someone - absolute. And love and loving someone despite all odds and challenges is still a choice, like everything else in life. These were hard lessons. And for the most part I am still learning it. It hasn’t always been rosy and easy. But like what you tell me time and again, “If it’s not difficult to achieve, it’s not worth taking.” I suppose God has a plan for my life because He brought you by my side to show me how much He loves me and remind me how unconditional His love is for me every time you say you love me despite the arguments and fights.

We were born to be together, and together we will be forevermore. I am not perfect but I am made perfectly to be the woman for you. And after so much words perhaps I wasn’t really able to articulate how much I love you. Maybe I will never be able to, ever. But I know this, all the days of my life I will hold you, stand by you, love you. And I pray that everyday will be the proof that I mean what I say, when I say I do love you.

❤,

Darla