v*-day

February is the so-called month of love and in a couple of days it’ll be Valentines day. Whatever. Right now I don’t really care.

Yes, I am blogging again. They say communication is the key to a successful relationship and I know I should be telling all these things to  B but there is no  B to tell it to as he has decided to turn his back on me and sleep rather than stay up a few more minutes and listen and assure me. But because communication is the key to a successful relationship I will still “communicate”, even if I am just communicating in written form filling the blankness of my journal with words he decided not to hear.

Many times I have heard him say how I don’t blog anymore. What he doesn't understand is that in the past instances that I wrote about him in a not so positive way he reacted poorly that I felt I had to defend my writing which in principle I need not do. And so after those instances, I felt the need to censor myself from my own online journal to avoid hurting him. I cannot write about things that matter to me, I cannot vent any form of ill feelings towards him online, I had to keep it all inside again. And without any form of release, my mind is again frayed of unhealthy thoughts. And since I’ve kept them bottled up for so long,my mind is so exhausted I will have to see a shrink again.

What my mind cannot wrap itself around (and why I am upset) is why my own husband puts up with his ex-wife so much. And here are just some of the examples:

1. He takes care of her son (son from the husband who she was cheating with when  Band her was still married) often. Bringing him to the apartment and treating him like his own son.
2. Allowed her to stay in the apartment he lives in to the point that she folded his clothes.
3. Stays on a phone call with her even though she is not talking about their own children anymore.
4. He tells me that I should give her a chance before I judge her (the ex-wife).
5. Let her text him very late at night over trivial things.

He says I get jealous irrationally. He says I don’t trust him. Perhaps. But then he doesn’t really try to prevent me from being jealous because he never put her in place. He says, "I have to put up with her until our son turns 18". And what of me?!? Am I always the one to put up with both of them?!? Am I always the one to understand?!? Is it really gonna hurt his custody with the kids if he tells her to be considerate and text when it’s not late at night? Will her ex prevent him from seeing his children if he tells her he has to go if she is just raving about what his friend’s son said to their son? Will she ask for more financial support if he tells her to not touch his clothes? NO. But he doesn’t say anything. Even though I asked him nicely or I asked him rudely or I asked him brusquely to tell her to be considerate he doesn’t do it. WHY? I FUCKING DO NOT KNOW WHY!!! Maybe he’s afraid he’d rock the boat. Maybe he still got the hots for her. Maybe, despite what he says, he’s just in denial and is still in love with her. And so my mind goes on overdrive and then I imagine myself moving to the States to a man who probably doesn’t really love me but wanted someone to take care of him and then I'll end up the rest of my life second best forever trying to be the only woman to my husband's eyes and heart but it will never happen. 

I know, these are evil thoughts. But lately it's getting harder and harder not to succumb to my fears since my own husband shuts me down and ignores how I feel expecting me to suck it up and deal with it. Soon I will get to the point when I will have to pack and move to the States. But the way things are lately it feels like I am moving to a prison sentence full of misery and regret instead of a life of bliss and happiness.

If he just even tried one time, ONE TIME! to tell her to shut her face when she starts hammering about stuff my husband shouldn’t even have to deal with. If he just even try one time, ONE FUCKING TIME to tell her to lay off on the texting or calling late at night over things that can wait the next day. Then I guarantee you I will not even bitch about this. But him not telling her to shut her face is not the end of it, because he allows her do this and then whines at me at why she does it over and over. SERIOUSLY!!! Duh. She’s your ex then fucking deal with her. If you aren’t going to then suck it up and don’t come to me looking for sympathy because you ain’t going to get any but my anger which he doesn’t deal with as well.

I’m not a saint. I try to understand his relationship with his ex but I can only understand so much. They say communication is key but he refuses to acknowledge what I say and doesn’t care about what I need. He gets mad when I get mad and jealous. Well, if he doesn’t want me to be jealous over things he could prevent and control, I’ll just blog my anger away and maybe one of these days or weeks or months or years I will be callous enough I wouldn’t even give a damn if he slept with her.

 | V is for vent