When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits - islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides.

Dear Brian,

Hello. I’m writing this letter while you sleep almost seven thousand miles away. Normally I pen my letters to you. But today I decided to write you here where it will never get lost in the courier and you will be able to read it the soonest possible time. I’ve just arrived home and at this present moment I am longing to crawl in bed beside you and sleep in your arms. I hope that when you wake up though you’d smile and feel me close to you despite the land and oceans that separate us.

Earlier today you told me you love me so so so much. I know you’ve said this to me so many times every day and also showed it to me in so many ways. I love you so so so much too. But when I said earlier that I find it amazing that you love me with so much depth and breadth you asked me if it was so hard for me to believe that you do love me. I answered yes and no. You wanted to know why I answered such and I wasn't really able to answer it because I had to work but I promised that I will answer it.

And here is my answer...

Everyday, people who know me scoff at what we have and call it relationship with quotation marks because we haven’t touched or even seen each other. I want to tell hem straight out that I’ve known people who see each other everyday but never saw each other, I’ve had relationships where I’m with the guy physically but we’re so far apart emotionally, and I see couples together but are severely apart. I want to tell them maybe we defy society’s standard of relationships because we met online, never saw each other yet, and separated by distance and time. But maybe, just maybe, if they were in my shoes they will have an idea that what we have is warmer than the sun on my face, more passionate than young lovers in their first kiss, more moving than a violin playing Canon D while a bride walks the aisle, sweeter than the words “I love you”. But I know, even if they were in my place, they wouldn't have a clue what I am talking about because you are my exception. You may not be the perfect guy, but you are made perfectly for me. And everyday I am with you I feel the love you feel for me in you heart. When everything you do gravitates towards me and making me happy, it’s so easy to accept and believe that you do love me.

When I think of you at times I feel ashamed of thinking of you so much, of thinking of only you which is also too much, perhaps. I wonder how you are and what you are doing and if you are smiling when I am not there to see you and if you are better or your eyebrows are furrowed because of some stress your work brings you and I still think of a bajllion unspeakable things about you and the future we plan together. And these things confuses me a lot because I have never thought of anyone as much as I have thought (and think and will be thinking) of you. And then you say you love me more. How can that be possible that you can feel more than I feel for you? What have I done in my life to deserve someone as amazing as you? I know myself and I know that I am not naïve neither have I lived a pure life beyond fault. So for me to have met you, known you, and be loved by you at times makes me feel so guilty because you have the kindest and purest heart I’ve ever known from a man. Forgive me, my dearest, if at times I am left speechless because there are uncountable moments we’d be together and you would say something really astonishing that it would seem you are but a dream and I would be waking up to realize that you are but a fantasy and I will be without you again. I am beginning to forget my doubt and fears although they are lessons hard to leave behind for it has protected me all throughout my life. But since you’ve given me your heart to cherish and protect, I need not protect myself from you. For how can you hurt me when you will only hurt yourself more in doing so?

You know I’ve been reflecting, especially lately, that I am a fool to go on and sit on my bed or stay here in Canada instead of rushing in a plane with my eyes shut and opening them only when I am with you. It is hard to be in a place where we both are. But in every difficult thing I went through I’ve learned something. I know right now I have to learn the most crucial thing --- faith. I need to learn to have faith that our love will not fade in time but only grow more richly and beautifully, to learn to have faith that eventually our paths will meet and we won't be separated like this again, to learn to have faith that we have a lasting future together filled with love and happiness.

Thank you for being always there and never failing to remind me over and over that you love me and how much you love me. I know that it’s something I’ll never grow weary hearing from you.

Yours always and forever...

Darla

"And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years." ~ Abraham Lincoln

Debdeb smelled something burning this morning and asked if I burned something in the toaster. I jokingly replied that that's me burning. And from the smell of something burning the conversation shifted to death and cremation and open caskets.

She told me that when the time comes for her she wants to have a simple ceremony, nothing fancy just for friends to come to some place fond to her and talk about her. That's awesome, I told her. But I'm a bit narcissistic so I would rather the people I know will give me a "living funeral". I'd rather they extol on my virtues while I am still alive, I want their flowers while I can still breathe I the scents, I want to have a gathering of the people close to my heart while I am still around to laugh with them, and their donations can go straight to my bank account. Okay the last part is a bit too much, but I'm sure you get the idea.

That got me thinking how I want things to be when I die. Personally, I want my body burned and and my ashes scattered somewhere in an island we'd use to go when I was young or buried under one of the trees my father planted in our farm. Don't bother calling the relatives to converge for coffee and cookies, no need to send flowers or condolence cards, no need for tear-stained faces. Really, it's okay. You'll get to a point where I got myself into, it just so happens that I passed away ahead of you. I don't need a marble slab to mark my grave neither do I need an epitaph. This is just what I want on my own.

I know though that usually people need something, be it a ceremony or a simple gathering, to cope with their loss. It is a tradition of each culture passed on by our forefathers. I respect that need. So for those that I may leave behind I will not hold it against them if they decide to follow rituals, I will not rise from the grave if they choose to hold a week long wake, I will not haunt them if they will put a blow up picture of me on top of my casket. Whatever works. I’d be dead anyway, so yeah go ahead and party on.

Interestingly people do not talk about death or how they want things to go about when they die. Who wants to die anyway? The suicidal, desperate, apathetic, and heart broken ones maybe. But I've been there and honestly even if you don't care anymore about living, most times the thought of those we'd leave behind plagues us with doubt to end our lives.

But just because no one wants it, it doesn't mean no one is going to get it. Eventually, death comes to claim us. Everyone I know wishes that we can be certain when this would happen. We want that piece of certainty that would tell us as to when, where and how we're going to die. Maybe not the gory details but at least a little bit of knowledge to help us be prepared. But of course that is ridiculous. Even those who are in their deathbed are not guaranteed of the time of their death.

How a single grain of insight can change a man’s perspective of how he lives his life is amazing. Most times we are too consumed by the tasks we need to accomplish, responsibilities we need to look out for, our worries and problems that need to be dealt with, or the discontentment of what we lack that we do not take stock of what we do have and be thankful for it. I know this because I myself am guilty of it. As much as we want to live for the moment we think we are too busy or we have too much in our plate to afford to do that. But, you know, if we really have a better outlook of ourselves we will realize that we whatever we have or do not have in our life we can afford to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.

It would be so marvelous to wake up one morning and say, “I don’t want anything more.” By then, when Death comes to take us we will not be full of regret for having lost so many years but we will be willing because the after Life is another adventure to behold.

Last year, before B and I were “In a Relationship” (hello, Facebook) I was teasing him about his bad luck with women and suggested that he start having a screening process especially an application form. Eventually the conversation turned to his daughter who, in ten years time, would most likely consider dating already. I believe he was vehemently against that idea, ergo I proposed an application process for her future suitors. I don’t have kids (yet) but I know for sure how guarded a father is to her daughter especially military dads. And because 10 years can go by quickly, B can start emotionally preparing until the dreaded day his daughter starts bringing home boys. Or he can also clean his ammo until then.

Given she doesn't grow up like me who dated behind my parents’ back, I think this application form says it all.

~o~o~

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ___________ GPA____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No

If No, explain: ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring? __Yes __No

G. Pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: ______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? _________________________________________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: ______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

__________________ &; ______________________

Mother's Signature & Father's Signature

_________________________________________________________

Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back).