yes and no

Dear Brian,

Hello. I’m writing this letter while you sleep almost seven thousand miles away. Normally I pen my letters to you. But today I decided to write you here where it will never get lost in the courier and you will be able to read it the soonest possible time. I’ve just arrived home and at this present moment I am longing to crawl in bed beside you and sleep in your arms. I hope that when you wake up though you’d smile and feel me close to you despite the land and oceans that separate us.

Earlier today you told me you love me so so so much. I know you’ve said this to me so many times every day and also showed it to me in so many ways. I love you so so so much too. But when I said earlier that I find it amazing that you love me with so much depth and breadth you asked me if it was so hard for me to believe that you do love me. I answered yes and no. You wanted to know why I answered such and I wasn't really able to answer it because I had to work but I promised that I will answer it.

And here is my answer...

Everyday, people who know me scoff at what we have and call it relationship with quotation marks because we haven’t touched or even seen each other. I want to tell hem straight out that I’ve known people who see each other everyday but never saw each other, I’ve had relationships where I’m with the guy physically but we’re so far apart emotionally, and I see couples together but are severely apart. I want to tell them maybe we defy society’s standard of relationships because we met online, never saw each other yet, and separated by distance and time. But maybe, just maybe, if they were in my shoes they will have an idea that what we have is warmer than the sun on my face, more passionate than young lovers in their first kiss, more moving than a violin playing Canon D while a bride walks the aisle, sweeter than the words “I love you”. But I know, even if they were in my place, they wouldn't have a clue what I am talking about because you are my exception. You may not be the perfect guy, but you are made perfectly for me. And everyday I am with you I feel the love you feel for me in you heart. When everything you do gravitates towards me and making me happy, it’s so easy to accept and believe that you do love me.

When I think of you at times I feel ashamed of thinking of you so much, of thinking of only you which is also too much, perhaps. I wonder how you are and what you are doing and if you are smiling when I am not there to see you and if you are better or your eyebrows are furrowed because of some stress your work brings you and I still think of a bajllion unspeakable things about you and the future we plan together. And these things confuses me a lot because I have never thought of anyone as much as I have thought (and think and will be thinking) of you. And then you say you love me more. How can that be possible that you can feel more than I feel for you? What have I done in my life to deserve someone as amazing as you? I know myself and I know that I am not naïve neither have I lived a pure life beyond fault. So for me to have met you, known you, and be loved by you at times makes me feel so guilty because you have the kindest and purest heart I’ve ever known from a man. Forgive me, my dearest, if at times I am left speechless because there are uncountable moments we’d be together and you would say something really astonishing that it would seem you are but a dream and I would be waking up to realize that you are but a fantasy and I will be without you again. I am beginning to forget my doubt and fears although they are lessons hard to leave behind for it has protected me all throughout my life. But since you’ve given me your heart to cherish and protect, I need not protect myself from you. For how can you hurt me when you will only hurt yourself more in doing so?

You know I’ve been reflecting, especially lately, that I am a fool to go on and sit on my bed or stay here in Canada instead of rushing in a plane with my eyes shut and opening them only when I am with you. It is hard to be in a place where we both are. But in every difficult thing I went through I’ve learned something. I know right now I have to learn the most crucial thing --- faith. I need to learn to have faith that our love will not fade in time but only grow more richly and beautifully, to learn to have faith that eventually our paths will meet and we won't be separated like this again, to learn to have faith that we have a lasting future together filled with love and happiness.

Thank you for being always there and never failing to remind me over and over that you love me and how much you love me. I know that it’s something I’ll never grow weary hearing from you.

Yours always and forever...

Darla