the melodrama reruns are really getting pretty old and boring now

My friend, Honie, and I had been video conferencing the other day. It’s such a relief to just be myself and talk freely. It is hard to bottle up emotions and when I had a chance to talk to my friend it seemed my emotions started overflowing. My friend’s presence seemed like mentos dropping in my simmering soda-like emotions and there is no other way for bubbles to go but out. Innocently she asked me what plans I have on Saturday. This got me confused. What is the big deal about Saturday anyway so I asked. She looked at me like I’ve been on drugs and smiled amusedly. I pressed F12 on my computer and a quick glance at the calendar on my Dashboard revealed the obvious. Saturday is Valentine’s Day. Joy.

I’m not against Valentine’s Day. I’m happy for people who have people they can spend it with. But that is a lie. Deep inside, I am jealous.  On this one day the reality of my singleness gets uncomfortable. It seems I’m the odd one. The square peg among round holes. Of course I know that there are so many singles out there just like me - singles without partners or whose Facebook status is not “In a Relationship”. And at the same time I know that there are a lot of coupled people there who wish they were single. But this would just be me turning lemons into lemonade. Deep inside I want to be with someone. 

But then again, I’ve been with someone. Not just even with someone. I was with two. The first I cheated on. And the latter I had the affair with. The first left me. And the latter saw through me. Both I loved equally. But both are not meant to be. Of course I think of things like what if I didn’t cheat, why can’t he love me, how can I forget them. But all these thoughts are futile. One way or the other, each of them has an uncanny ability to come back and remind me of the love I lost and the love I wished for. When they come back unintentionally bringing the memories with them it picks on the wounds I try to heal already. I feel that all the painful memories the wounds in my heart has caused it to fester and all I have left is an organ full of holes big and small like Swiss cheese. Something that resembles a heart but not, which makes me wonder why it hasn’t crumbled yet.

I know the best thing for me to do is move on. I had been thinking about this for quite sometime. How can I get over an addiction if I keep coming back? And why do I come back when circumstances are not meant to change for my benefit? So I started to subtly disengage myself from T and him. I have been quite successful though difficult. After all it’s quite easy to avoid people but entirely different avoiding my own thoughts. There are some distractions that help but it can only help me during the day. It is quite harder to escape my thoughts when I lie on my bed waiting for sleep. But even sleep does not give me a break as dreams turn into nightmares with me ending in more pain as my hysterical screams wake me up only to be faced again by a deluge of my own memories. So I force myself to sleep again. Waiting for a dreamless sleep which I will never wake up from or wake up but not remember anything about the two of them.

But like all my wishful thinking Fate has a way of turning it against me and laugh as it looks at my pained expression... The other day T asked if I was avoiding him. Today I get a parcel with a letter from him telling me he hopes I am not sad.

I know they both mean well. But if they do really mean well then I believe the best thing for me right now is be left alone. They shouldn’t talk to me. They shouldn’t be curious and wondering how I am because personally it’s not their damn business anymore. For the record, I feel sad but only when their memories arrest the great feelings I have. I feel lost when they come back and haunt me with the ghosts of our past and the eerie questions of what ifs. So I feel a stronger resolve to get over this rut and move forward.

Valentine’s Day is just another reminder of how alone and hollow I feel right now. I am quite optimistic that soon, if I keep on avoiding the things that bring back the pain a point will come when I will be able to pick myself up, brush off the painful memories and it would allow me to look forward to a time when I am most comfortable that I am single, unattached, and so what!?!