i can't shake you off my memories

I had a dream last night of a young man. He’s quite popular to the opposite sex. He tends to laugh aloud and say corny jokes which make him a great buddy to the guys he knows. Even older folks gravitate towards him. Who wouldn’t with his good looks, sense of humor, and sweetness. Despite his background he is not cynical but grounded and do not take life forgranted. He is close to his mother often adoring her and never second guessing her advice. He is grateful for being alive. Yet despite the happiness in him sadness reaches him most on Christmas and family reunions. On graduations and birthdays he wishes he has a father that celebrated with him.

When I woke up today I felt a sigh escaping. Another haunting. Another dream that prodded. Another day full of wonder. Why I have it I can only guess. I think, if my memory serves me correct, I “met” him when I was a budding adolescent of 14. I didn’t really see him, The Colonel simply confessed his existence on the same day he wanted to break my legs when I was being stubborn. After knowing of his existence his mere being haunts me. Now when people ask how many siblings I have, I ask “legitimate or illegitimate?” after all he is a sibling by DNA but not a sibling to the real meaning of the word. Over the years I haven’t really given much thought of him.

If there is anything that I am sure of in myself that is the truthfulness of me saying I have no anger against him or his mother. He is simply the by product of my father’s affair. If there is anyone who should be resentful I think that would be my mother, but she is past that so she says. 

I write about him now not because I have some pent up anger that needs to be vented (like my usual posts); on the contrary, I am concerned about him. There is a nagging feeling in me to find him and get to know his well-being, get to know his status, get to know him, period. This has been going on for some months now and has only intensified everyday. I suppose it all started with the fact that Tanduay Girl is now settled in almost all aspect of the word, 3rd Mate is also now established in the financial and psychological aspect, Kitty Kat has gotten to a point of maturity, I, on the other hand, has some improvements too. Everyone in the family has grown up and moved out. But while almost all of us has progressed I feel we have left behind one. And that will be my father’s other son.

I want to know what happened to him. I want to know where he is. I want to know if he turned out okay even if he did not have my father to guide him. I want to help him if he is not in a good position. I don’t want to watch his life being portrayed by some actor in MMK and see his sad life being used as entertainment. I'm afraid to find out he had to resort to peddling drugs or his body or stealing or doing really really really menial work just to survive. I want to let him know that even if he felt abandoned by his father, his siblings care about him. Maybe, I want another brother too...hoping that he is not some jerk like my real brother.

But it seems lofty for me to look for someone who I don’t even know the name. I have tried talking to The Colonel about him and he tells me to pray about it. WTF. Sure. But I still want that name. I can try talking to The General. But I’m afraid she’ll say I’m cruel to bring it up. So while I think of other avenues to find him, I’ll pray. Maybe he will come to me instead.