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I still owe a part two for my previous post. But I’m not really in the mood right now to write about the next part. Right now I’m not in the mood for pretty much anything but sit on my ass, listen to Franz Ferdinand coerce me to get high. I’m feeling a bit petulant, a bit pissed, a bit envious. Although I do not want to make anymore references of him in my blog, eventually, I do. Like now.

The thing is, I found myself going to his friendster profile (haaaalooooo! anything new). Maybe I am that bored. Maybe I am just testing myself to see if I would still flinch. Maybe I am just a bit bipolar. So of course I went there. I checked the messages he received. And because he is “In a Relationship” now he gets a lot of mushy messages from his girlfriend.

Here is the honest-to-goodness truth. I am not pinning for him anymore. My gut even tells me he’ll get her pregnant and marry her, or marry her and then get her pregnant. Bottom line is, I am cool if he married her or whoever. I have found my peace and accepted the reality that he’s just not into me. I am, however, envious he’s a “In a Relationship”. I am envious that he has someone to hold hands, say mushy things to, and all the wrappings of being “In a Relationship”.

I know that I could, if I really wanted to, be “In a Relationship” too. 

But I am too tired of the dating game. I am tired of this cycle of getting from one relationship to the next like shopping for the next pair of shoes. Trying to make it fit, oohing and ahhing for a few months, but the novelty of newness fades and the reality that the shoe hurts sinks in until we hurl it off and go out for a new pair. I am tired of having to change myself to make someone else happy ending up not really knowing who I am or what I want. I think I’ve had my fair share of broken hearts and painful memories to last me this lifetime and the next. I don’t have a phobia on commitment. The truth is, I love being in a relationship and taking care of one special guy and having memorable times with him. I cannot say that I am afraid of love. I’m afraid of people, for sure. People can be cruel. People can be selfish. People can be taxing. People has made me cynical and I am trying hard to stay on guard and play safe. 

Although I am jealous that he has found someone to love (conveniently right after I get to Canada, hmmmmm) and I wonder if it will happen to me, I know that I will not get up from my chair and go out to to meet singles in a bar to end up in a drunken one night stand. I’m just not that kind of person. Friends say I don’t make an effort. But I’m wary of jumping in the dating scene and making everyone know I’m here, existing, and looking. Am I being a coward because I would rather wait? I want to be in love, I want to love, I want to be loved. I get that there are some legwork involved, but the way things are lately I do not think I would enjoy wading into the ocean full of funky fishes wanting to just take my clothes off. And the guys that I wouldn’t mind taking my clothes off, well... they intimidate me (shhh!).

For sure, I do not enjoy suffering the paroxysms of envy. I mean, I’ve been with him for three years which made me know his flaws. I know his mood swings is worse compared to a woman’s. I know how mean he can be with women. I know how inconsiderate he can be. I know how narcissistic he is. I know, if I had a better option then, I would not think twice leaving him. Just because he’s in a new relationship doesn’t mean he isn’t the same asshole who makes a woman cry like how he made me cry and beg (eeew!) before. Being In a Relationship is a lot of work. And I commend them both for putting up a fight for love. Whatever. I've now exorcised my jealousy. If there is anything to be envious about it is definitely not the fact that he's a In a Relationship.

It’s sunny outside and spring is happening any day now. I should be happy. So I went to my friends list in Friendster and did what I should have done a year and a half ago... click the [X] beside his name and clicked “Yes” to confirm that I want to delete this friend.