separation of anxiety

Usually, I don’t write about work anymore compared to last year when I was still a thousand miles away from where I am now. It’s not that there is nothing to write. Actually, there are tons of things to write. But because I get so tired of work and drama that when I get off work, I feel so drained I seem to incur a temporary amnesia on the eight hours that transpired at work. On some instances the memory permeates to the core that I bring it home and abuse my blog as I write sulfurous posts on one person or another. But the person I’m pissed off is not around at the moment, so there is no need for me to rant for now. But there is something I want to get off my chest.

The thing is, I don’t even know where to begin. Everything is smack down in the middle that I can’t figure if I should write about the post holiday events or just write from now. It just simply doesn’t make sense, and while I completely understand both sides it doesn’t really help. Both sides are in an impasse and I don’t want to be caught in the middle of it. 

The events are simple. Sales are slow, management are sending people home early. Understandably they are trying to minimize cost... it’s just business and nothing personal. But of course not taking it personal is not feasible, especially for one of my colleagues. At the moment her husband can’t work because he is waiting for an operation. So she’s the one who’s earning for both of them. Though her children are both grown up, she says that with her salary alone they can’t afford to live. I don’t claim to know the entire economics of living in Canada, but I know when to shut my mouth. It’s when she keeps on banging stuff at work because she’s angry at our manager, crying at work because she is upset with our manager, saying contemptuous things about our manager, and then being all sweet and exuberant when the manager she hates arrives. So everyday I shut my mouth. Because if I listen to her she won’t stop anyway. If I listen to her she’ll have the audacity to say more mean things. If I listen to her I won’t get any work done. If I listen to her I’ll get bogged down myself.

The truth is, I get that she is upset but I do not have any sympathy for her. I’m not being arrogant. I just can’t bring myself to be sympathetic to her because of her superficiality. Maybe it’s the BPD in my brain that is working now but isn’t it when you’re angry with someone you’re angry. Period. You don’t say “She’s a bitch!” with so much spite when the person is not around and then you smile and share family stories when the person you hates arrives. What kind of personality does that? I find it strange that she would have the audacity to even say she will quit on the job when she never does, she never will. 

I get the brunt of her complaints everyday. And I mean E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y. And even if she has every right to be upset about the situation, the manner of her being upset is wrong. I’m tired of her barking when she should be biting or shutting up. I’m tired of all the crap she spews about other people. I’m tired even looking at her.