older ≠ wiser

When I was a kid and didn’t get what I wanted from my parents it was those times that I hate being a kid. I couldn’t wait to grow up. In our oldest house in Manila I would lock myself in the bathroom stare at my reflection in the mirror and tiptoe. I wanted to be bigger. I wanted to be older. I wanted to be a grown up.

Now that I am, I think being a grown up is overrated. While I love the shoes, the clothes, the staying up late, occasional alcohol consumption and parties; growing up means being responsible. 

Two days ago Kitty Kat turned 20 and last Friday we had quite a talk about making the right choices no matter how painful, marriage, decisions. As much as I am happy for her, inside I cringe that she is going to be emotionally beaten up, mentally mashed, and psychologically challenged by the adversities of life. I have a decade of head start from her, and the sister instinct in me often kicks in to protect her and keep her a baby forever. I know it’s wrong. Which is why I curb it. And it sucks. But it’s part of being a grown up. Which makes it suck some more.

Tanduay Girl and I recently had a lengthy chat. She was sharing to me things like being swindled by her accountant and wanting to find her and bury her alive. I understand her anger completely. Not only did that accountant make her owe a six figure amount from the government, my older sister’s integrity is put into question as her workers would most likely think she is just scamming them with the deductions they received in their paychecks. 

There are so many things we want to have and to be when we grow up. So many times have we said “when I grow up, I’d...” and we would be full of hope and the faith that it is going to happen. Back then we don’t really had a broad concept of how vast our choices would be. And while the decisions we have to make now have multiplied like cockroaches, the price we have to pay seem steeper. If we were only spanked when we did wrong as children, as adults we are expected to be responsible without any questions asked. Otherwise, pay the consequences.

Why is it when we grow up and become a jackass, the people around us get affected more? My brother, the 3rd Mate, has become some sort of jackass. Having a job that pays well, being well travelled, or probably just being himself has made him so narcissistic and selfish at the same time would not listen to anybody as he does the porcupine dance with his ex. Eventually, he will crash and burn. I tell myself that. In as much as I do not want it to come true, inside I pine for him to hurt and hurt really really bad. This is wrong, very wrong. But deep inside, I want him to pay some sort of retribution for being self-serving. He badly needs help to pull his head off his ass. Permanently.

It’s quite baffling that some people can live so free, or have retained their sense of childlike wonder. They’ve grown up but managed to be hopeful, sincere, and loving. I always thought of myself dark and twisted, as if my soul and heart has been scarred so much there is nothing left but my ego. I always thought that living my life is consequence on itself alone. And while it may seem I am indifferent, I realize that I am still growing up. Being twenty-something, thirty-something, or forty-something doesn’t make one a life-Yoda. So even if being a grown-up can be (at times) over rated, the shoes, the cute & hot guys, the parties, and the pay checks makes it fun.