confessions of the hook up from hell

Sometimes even the best of us makes reckless decisions. Bad decisions. Choices we pretty much know we’re going to regret the moment, the minute, the morning after, maybe even weeks later. Maybe not regret regret because at least we’ve put ourselves out there despite the risk of rejection. But still ... something inside us decides to do a crazy thing despite it turning around and biting us in the ass. There are some people there who are more altruistic and learn from other’s mistakes. But the rest live their lives the best they could but still end up making wrong turns. Like me.

It’s stupid really why despite my ability to foresee the probable consequences of choices I still opt to do the bad. Denial, avoidance, and overcompensation are the tools I’d used the past few months. And now look where I’ve gotten myself into, a damn black hole sucking all my joy rather than the bliss of heaven.

Thirty one days has passed now since I’ve told the truth and thirty five days has gone by since I’ve last seen him. And while emotionally I am tired of being miserable, I can’t stop myself from counting the days and it’s taking a lot of will power not to bash my head on the wall just to silence my mind. I mean come on! How long do I have to beat myself over and over for what I’ve done to him? It’s not that I want him back. Okay that’s not entirely true. I do want him back. I do want him to forgive me and take me back even if I have to earn his trust until I die. But that’s not the point. The point is that I haven’t entirely forgiven myself nor am I finished with the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression because clearly with all the agony I am feeling I am nowhere near acceptance. Clearly the internal wrestling of my emotions is not over, yet. Please, somebody, crash into me so I can get amnesia or at least hand me the bleach so I can pour it in my brain.

I wanted to have the chance to say this to his face... “I’m sorry. I was trying to prove a point. I was trying to be right. I ended up putting you in a dangerous situation. I know you say that you get over pain easily. But you got hurt and it’s my fault. I’m sorry.” But then all those lines are just lines in my head. I have no intention of saying it aloud. Whatever for? I know myself well and I know him well enough to determine when is the most appropriate instance to shut my mouth, suck up all the gooey words, swallow the tears and let things be. Why bother saying I’m sorry when I’ve said it more than once already and the cold shoulder is enough to tell me I’m not forgiven, I’ll never be forgiven.

But my mind just won’t let up. The apology speech surface and resurface like those critters in the arcade game of Whack-A-Mole and sadly I’m not fast enough to clobber it and so it keeps on surfacing and resurfacing. Sometimes I hear it in my head so much it sounds already like a prayer. As if by mentally saying it over and over things will go back the way it was and we’ll be okay or I’ll wake up and be relieved to discover that it was just one long sad nightmare. So, yeah, I’m still bargaining and in denial. I know I could’ve set the balance more favorably for me, but then that’s just another form of deception. And what will the truth amount if it’s still covered in a lie? One way or another our karma will eventually make us face who we are and make us responsible for what we have done. There is no escaping.

I hope the regret would stop festering in my heart, I hope that the time will come when my mind would stop making a U-turn to his face or his name or even the anticipation that he will get back in touch, and I hope all these and more will happen soon. I’m not complaining. What goes around comes around. Everything that is happening to me now is not unexpected. Everything that I am going thru is not unfair. It just ...evens the score.