waiting not in vain

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." ~ From the movie Annie

There has been a lingering sadness that I've been feeling lately. Don't worry, it's not my old depression resurfacing neither is it the rumblings of an imminent one. I don't know if it's true that "distance makes the heart grow fonder" but I know that distance makes my heart a tad bit lonesome.

For the most part, I'm happy. Very happy actually loving someone that takes my breath away and who loves me infinitely more than I deserve. And for a bigger part, I'm joyful. Very joyful indeed. I'm joyful for being blessed with what most people dream of and few ever find. True love that last seasons. Honest love without mind games and wicked ulterior motives. Compassionate love that understands each others' quirks, flaws, and eccentricities. Giving love that does not mind self-sacrifice.

Call me ungrateful for feeling sad. I can't help myself. Not right now, anyway. Especially not right now when Brad Paisley is crooning "Now you’re my whole life, now you’re my whole world. I just can't believe the way I feel about you girl." Maybe its the monthly girlie thing coming soon. Maybe it's because of that sappy country song. Or maybe, just maybe, it's my desire to start building a life together with this someone I love.

I get mixed emotions when I think about that "life". I feel fear, excitement, doubt, wonder, and most of all, I feel longing. From deep inside of I don't know where in me is an outpouring of desire to live the days when he and I will not be restricted by such great distance, and he will come home to our house and sleep in our bed, God-willingly have his last name next to mine, and I will start a lifetime of adventures with us at each others' side. And because of our geographic differences it makes everything I yearn for such a long time coming that it's making me sad.

But as I try to type my sadness now I remember the countless times people have hurt me in the past, the many million times I’ve broken my heart and trust, the untold longing of my heart to find that one true person who would take me as I am and that I can share life’s pain and pleasures with. I remember the wonder if such a person ever existed. And the faith I held on to that belief. The hope that one day I’ll meet him. And the patience that tied them all together. And now that that someone is finally in my life, I know that I have the patience to wait until that day when we will be together and be inseparable. After all these years of holding on until he finally comes around, I can wait because he is worth waiting for.

Tomorrow when I wake up i'll still be laughing and smiling. But until the day comes that I'll be by his side, there will always be that unsatisfied need within me to be with him. And even when I'm with him, that need will always be there but at least that time won't definitely feel sad like how it is now. In the meantime, I'll switch to some rock music so Brad won't make me shed a tear. Or maybe watch a bit of Fringe to give me some heebie jeebies.