it's now or never

“Somewhere the hurting must stop.” ~ Terry Fox

I have been meaning to write this a few weeks ago. Specifically, I meant to write this the day after I inflicted so much emotional pain to B that he said “I have been looking forward to talking to you all day then I get that” as his face showed so much hurt it was like he was being physically being beaten.

That day seemed all too surreal. Like some out of body experience I watched another person take over my joy and take over the love I felt. Being of one incident that reflected the difference in our belief system I saw me shutting him out, withdrawing from his love, and becoming apathetic. Yet inside I felt a raging battle going on. I knew I was being stupid, selfish, and unreasonable. Despite my irrational thinking I wanted to just run back to him and tell him how much I love him.

I have so gotten used to cutting myself from others when I hint too much difference or complication or just because I’m not really 100% committed. For a long long long time I have convinced myself that most kinds of relationships are really not worth the effort anymore. Sure, it’s nice to hang out and laugh with friends and lovers, but to become deeply involved means showing my true self revealing my insanities, insecurities, flaws, and limitations. And what if... they don’t like me? What if they reject me? What if they laugh at me? It is the uncertainty or the possibility that they will dislike me, reject me, and be the court jester that has made me protect me. I have been a walking, talking, thinking ice queen... cold and indifferent towards others. And even before the person has a chance to hurt me by rejection or indifference, I beat them at it and shut them off.

When I read the lines B said above, I knew that I am now in a crossroad. I don’t want to shut him off or be cold and suspicious that he will hurt me. I know that old fears don’t apply to him anymore. And the only obstacles that are keeping me from fully loving him and being happy are those that I have imposed on me. The walls that I have long ago built to protect me do not apply to him anymore. As we discussed what was happening, I felt the immense loneliness of being separated from him. Where I used to bask in the safety of my isolation, at that point it was dauntingly sad. I love him. He loves me. Why make it complicated? I remembered every time he was there for me, every time he assured me that he loves me, every time he kept his word, every time he made me feel not like just anyone else in his life, every moment he was there perhaps not physically but he was there constantly giving and loving and cherishing me. It wasn’t until that moment that it finally sank in me and I was able to accept it ... he loves me so so so much forever and always.

Somehow, that night the better part of me has finally acknowledge that I can lay my whole heart to rest in his keeping. When before I let him keep parts of it, that night was the beginning of me tearing down all the walls I’ve built to protect me and take him in without fear or doubt or suspicion. He is right when he said, “It’s not just you. It’s not just me. It’s us. So your black and white and my gray are going to have to work together.”

I don’t know how things will turn out, I am certain that we won’t always be rosy and there will be some friction that will come up once in awhile. But despite life’s uncertainty I believe in these things: he loves me, I love him, and we will work together to make us last a lifetime.