surpassing "i do"

With a broken voice and tearful sobs she blurted out, “I love you and I love mommy. And I don’t want to choose between you and mommy. Why can’t you be together again?”

As I listened to the child wail to her father, the inner child in me wailed too and I was shocked to taste something salty on my mouth. I was only listening to the conversation but I felt her pain and before I knew what was happening tears were streaming down from my eyes. For a child to feel so much confusion and pain at the age of seven is too much even for my somewhat callous heart.

Divorce has been a common situation in most societies in the Western culture. Growing up in the Philippines and being raised by religious parents, separation was really not much of an option to my parents even during the time when my father was neglecting my mother and us, his children. It’s a fact also that due to the strong ties of the Philippine people to the Catholic church, divorce is not legally permitted in the Philippines. And although my parents are not Catholic, the vow my mother made before God has made her decide to stay with him even at the darkest and hardest point of their marriage. Perhaps if my parents were Western my parents would’ve divorced when I was very young and I would be weeping the same bitter tears as that seven year old child.

Yes I know, I am lucky that after 33 years my parents are still together. That despite all the cheating, drugs, emotional abuse, and neglect when my father was still starting out with the constabulary my mother thought of our future and decided to stick with him. That after twelve years of these things, by God’s grace my father changed and has become a better father than I first knew of him.

I know that this doesn’t apply to all. Each person has a deal breaker in a relationship. Each person has a threshold for pain. Each person has expectations from their partners. And for me trust, fidelity, and true love are non-negotiable. I cannot look at my partner the same way if he cheats on me. Once my trust is broken, I may trust you again but not enough for you to ever break my heart again. Most times I often decide not to even risk trusting my partner anymore. This is the root of all reasons why I have never committed myself enough to anyone before. Enough to marry. I have seen my father cheat on my mother, I myself have been cheated on. And how my mother stayed with my father despite his infidelity is beyond my understanding then. But this is me speaking from a perspective of a single person who is not responsible of another person’s life. And this was my view before I met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

The child’s father explained patiently and lovingly that he loves her and she doesn’t have to choose, her mother loves her too but daddy and mommy can’t be together anymore. How can you explain such things for a seven year old to grasp it? As much as you want to shield your own child from the pain, the reality is when your spouse cheats it is the most painful experience of all. For you to inform a seven year old of this fact may help to understand and help them stop asking for the unthinkable but then there is the greater possibility of bigger consequences for your child. Like your child hating your former spouse, your child growing up being non-commital, and worse your child growing up resenting you.

Hearing this conversation I realized that when there are children involved already, what I want for myself would have to take a back seat and the needs of my children will come first. I know this in my head, I feel this in my heart. And for my child I will try to keep my family intact. It is a bitter pill to swallow but one I won’t hesitate taking for my child and the values I would like him/her to learn. At that moment as I listened to that child’s painful sobs and feel tears streaming from my face, at that moment I wished I was her mother and I can take away her pain and ease her confusion and not give her any even to begin with by staying married to her father and love him as long as we lived. For me, a child should never have to choose between her mother or father. For me, a child should see her parents as one unit that loves, disciplines, and supports her.

I know that compared to other people, I had it easy seeing my parents still together and be a living example of what marriage is about. It is a dying tradition, marriage, in the real meaning of the word. Something I don’t take lightly. Something that in the near future I know I will go into. And for my unborn child (or children) this I will solemnly promise you, “I take your father to be my husband, my partner in life and my one true love. I will cherish our union and love him more each day than I did before. I will trust him and respect him, laugh with him and cry with him, loving him faithfully through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face. I will give my hand, my heart and my love from that day forward for as long as we both shall live.” And behind this words I utter a prayer to God that He will enlighten my child of the depth and breadth of this vow and raise my child up to be a person who values commitment with all her heart and mind.