I know I haven’t written anything the past weeks. It’s not that I have nothing to write. I do. I’ve just been preoccupied with my day to day life that every time I think of sitting to down to write something else comes up that I need to do first. But today is different. Today I have nothing left to do but to sit and write the thoughts in my head. So I’m writing again. Most likely I will write about everything swirling in my mind until it will be empty again like a dried up well that will wait until the next outpour that will make my mind lush of thoughts again.
The past few weeks B and I have been talking about his visit. We first started talking about seeing each other last year before Christmas. Ours is not a typical relationship. Everything from the beginning was electronic. Meeting in an online dating site. Having long conversations mostly in chat. Some phone conversations that got both our phone bills skyrocketing. And since he went home from deployment from Afghanistan and got himself one of those Android phones we’ve been talking in Skype. Ours wasn't what society would label a conventional relationship. And for sometime (even up to know) people who know us frown on it and think it’s not real, it’s risky, and they have discouraged me from putting out so much of myself towards him. They don’t really see that the time we spent with each other whether it’s just in the phone or internet is a huge investment we are making. It may not be your typical foundation for a relationship but we’ve known so much from each other despite the lack of physical proximity or intimacy normal couples have.
Earlier today he told me that he doesn’t know if he will be able to make it by my birthday. For some reasons unknown to me the Department of State is asking for his parent’s birth certificate. This should be easy if both of your parents are together. This should be easy if you know your parents whereabouts. This should be easy if your parents really cared about you enough to ensure they communicate to their children or correspond to them. But these aren’t the situation for B. So what one would think is easy can just throw it out the window and be ready for a difficult and frustrating task ahead.
As he was explaining these things to me I can’t help but detach myself from the situation and try to see it clinically. There was no room for disappointment. Not when B is in a difficult situation. At that point all I can think of was if I hadn’t lived in Canada he wouldn't be in this situation. If I wasn’t in a relationship with him he wouldn’t be frustrated like how he is now. And so I gave him an alternative. I suggest that he meet someone else. Someone closer in his vicinity. Someone he wouldn't have to have a difficult time with.
I know that this is a very cruel suggestion. To push the person you love with all your life and tell them, “Go! I’m setting you free, find someone you can settle with and be happy.” Deep inside it was tearing me apart in a million pieces. But the emotional training I’ve learned in all the years kicked in and instead of crying and succumbing to the pain of losing him I had immediately detached my heart and gave a practical solution wanting him to agree but hoping he wouldn’t. The guilt of being the reason why he is in an exasperating situation drove all any emotions away and I could only focus on correcting the situation. Yes, maybe I’ve learned to be a martyr. But only to those I love so much.
Eventually, B had me convinced that these whole thing is not my fault. And while he doesn’t want anyone else but me and we’re going through a little speed bump, it’s how two people in the relationship handles the speed bumps along the way that matters. When he said these words I gave up. It wasn’t because he spoke of the truth. I knew that all along as I tried to reason him into finding someone else. It was the other truth that has been haunting me for months but refused to acknowledge it’s phantom existence. It was the truth that despite everything, I am afraid.
He has long gone to bed and as I watch him sleep through his video cam, I ask myself what am I really afraid of. What am I scared of so much that I will even suggest that he find someone nearer to him, someone he can see everyday, someone he can spend time with? I know that what he and I have is not based on normal perception. How we see each other is limited to what we say when we talk to one another, what we see in the video screens, what we allow for the other to know or see. Ultimately I am afraid that if he comes any closer to me he would see how dark and twisted I am and realize he doesn’t really love me like he thought he did before really meeting me.
But after all the things I’ve learned from him I’ve come to understand that this relationship isn’t just about me. We both have a common need, we both have common desires, we both have common goals and dreams, we both want similar things, and maybe we both have common fears. But the difference is he doesn’t dwell on what he is afraid might happen. He only focuses on the good.
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