choosing to be in vain

A month after  B and I got married, he applied for my I-130 to the US Department of State so I can move to the US and be with him.

It's been a long time before we got to that part. I still remember the time when we first met online and decided to be with each other exclusively though we haven't met yet. Then there were the times we've fought so much that I thought we were going to separate. Her sister told him I was only after a green card. My sister was apprehensive of me being with an American as they're notorious for being too cocky. We were both sure of loving each other, even though it wasn't always expressed it was a given that what we have is special and one that can last a lifetime. Until my Canadian Immigration papers came in the mail almost turned things around...

I want to be a Canadian Citizen and I have to wait at least 4 more years before I can be one. Now let me be clear and write that being a Canadian citizen is not a lifetime dream neither is it an achievement I have been planning ever since I was young. I moved to Canada in 2008 and even when I was processing my immigration papers I wasn't certain being a citizen is something I wanted because it wasn't something I needed. And then I slowly fell in love with the place, the culture, the government processes. In this country you are valued, you are taken cared for, you are supported, and as long as you are legally entitled to be here and you are law-abiding it is easy to find job(s), get training, and achieve your goals. The recent recession is not something that affected the Canadian economy, so instead of scrounging for places to work, there is actually a shortage of manpower to get the job done.

Months before we decided to get married on a specific date, I talked to  B and told him about my desire to pursue my citizenship and because of the length of time to achieve it he didn't seem to thrilled with the idea. He was so bummed that he talked about postponing everything but the way it sounded to me was he was breaking things up. That bad. As I listened to him I had to make a decision right then and there... to stay in Canada and pursue this citizenship or to marry him move to the US and attempt to keep my permanent resident status in Canada. It was the thought of days without  B...long hours and weeks and years without the man I love... what is the point of being a citizen here if I lose the one I love? So I told him, I'll move to the US instead but I refuse to be a US citizen.

While most Filipinos vie to be a US citizen and they think I am crazy for refusing to be one, I can relate more to the diversity of Canadians and their attitudes. Also, I am afraid that when I move to the US instead of being able to make my dream of having my own restaurant/pastry shop into a reality I'd be stuck again working at some dead end job because of the recession in the US. These are fears I haven't shared to B because I have seen how loyal he is to his country and voicing my concerns might hurt his manly feelings. For all intents and purposes, I am moving to the US because I have a duty and my duty is to be with my B. I write these words with a sense of pride because I want to be beside  B and build a home with him. 

So now we wait for the decision of my I-130. I have written this post to put my fears to rest and be optimistic of my future. I take comfort in the wisdom I learned when I left my parents house at 16, when I took my first inter-province bus ride alone, when I first learned to drive a car, when I first moved to Canada, and the first time I saw  B and knew that change was about to come --- change is inevitable and I have the power to choose how I feel and how I will deal with my situation. The great part about this is unlike my trip to Canada in 2008, I have  Bwho is going to be with me for as long as we both live and that alone makes my fears all in vain.