Tensile strength is the maximum amount of tensile stress that can be subjected to a material before it tears or fails. To date the multi-walled carbon nanotube has the highest tensile strength of any material yet measured. When given a constant load, carbon nanotubes will bend over to surprisingly large angles before they start to ripple and buckle and then finally develop a kink. The amazing thing about carbon nanotubes is that these deformations are elastic - they all disappear completely when the load is removed.
I don't know what my tensile strength is. But I know my Euler limit has gotten better and better as I went through a lot of pain and hardship. It made my spirit stronger. It made my mind grow wiser. It made my heart go colder.
People have loved and loathed my strength. Touché. I love and loath it too. While this gives me an edge in my decision-making skills, it also is my waterloo as irritation clouds my judgement when I see a form of weakness characterized by people who have not seen the harshness of this world. While I have gotten stronger I have yearned to be weaker.
But as I start to weaken my defenses, I am more vulnerable to the attack of the one force that can hurt me. A force so strong there is no means in this world that would stop it. Thus the pain is inevitable. Sooner or later I get hurt. Hurt so bad to the point of death. And yesterday it almost happened again. The tragedy is while I can't live with this force, I am compelled by blood and by surname to be attached to it. To him.
Even if I could never do it, yesterday I fought back. I fought back by retreating. I fought back by running. I fought back by exclusion. It was wrong. It was right. It was the smartest and dumbest and hardest and easiest thing to do. To cut myself off from my own blood... from my own father... was the most brilliant thing I did for my own preservation. But it was the darkest day of my heart. The whys and hows do not even matter anymore.
Yesterday I became an orphan.
Yesterday I died.
A day after I have made the decision I sit for hours lost in a silent stupor. There was no relief of freedom. There was no exuberance of being alive. There were no shed tears of pain. There was nothing. Not even weariness of going to war. I had removed the once force in me that would have led to my physical demise. But the years of carrying the strain of the relationship have left me so many kinks that would never be removed. The blow of the force yesterday was enough to join all those kinks and shatter something in me.
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