heart-rending

I saw him again last Sunday night. And again I felt knives stabbing my heart. Since I started seeing him more often lately my heart has been hurting. It hadn't hurt like this for 3 years now but lately it has come back and gotten worse.  As he turned around to use my Mac to export some pictures, I pressed my mouth tightly to silence the gasp of pain that was about to come forth. I winced as I held my chest.

He noticed it earlier the day and asked me when it started to happen. And I responded lately. And left it at that. 

But I remember the night before it started. 

We were out drinking beer and just having a good time. And I remember slowly revealing a secret I had harbored for months. I remember telling him again that I am sorry for hurting him. I remember as the night got deeper and deeper I professed my love for him. I remember asking if he would like to try again. Yet he changed the topic and I had to ask him why and he just had this look of pity in his eyes. He said he didn't know what to say.

I remember him lashing back at me and making me remember all the hurtful things I have said and done. I remember holding my temper and clamping all will to fight back and defend myself. I remember being crucified again for my sins that he had said he had forgiven. I remember pulling my knees near my chest and sobbing and begging that he has to forgive me. Chanting it over and over like it was my mantra. I wanted to shout that he had won, that he had hurt me, that he had succeeded and gotten even.

I remember I cried that night like I had never cried. I had never felt so vulnerable and pathetic and full of self-doubt. I cried because I wanted to be sorry for being with Mr. Gigolo right after we broke up but I couldn't because I knew it was something I had to do to grow. I cried for all the accusations hurled that I held my silence. I cried not because of the rejection but because I knew he was just passing his time with me and didn't really care about me anymore. I cried because I didn't know why I still love him despite this lopsided treatment. I cried because once again I let myself settle for being unloved.  I wanted to ask him to just give me a break up speech and leave me forever. The remnants of our once beautiful relationship is simply coital. But I didn't. All I could do was cry.

I remember. Because that night, my will broke and a quiet voice inside me said I deserved this. And as dawn crept I remember my a physical pain manifest in my heart. At first it felt like sharp nails clawing. But as I cried some more it felt like the nails were poking my heart squeezing it tighter as I cried some more. As pain gripped my heart I find myself unable still to stop crying. I cried until I couldn't make anymore tears. Until I passed out from exhaustion for being emotional and melodramatic.

He asked me if I wanted to see a doctor. I said no, it'll pass or I'll just die. And he left it at that. Why would I pay a cardiovascular doctor to give me a diagnosis when I already know the cure? I don't need to see a doctor, I know my own cure. I just should stop seeing him. But how can I when I have let him matter again to me. And so I let the wave of pain pass. For now, I can still take the pain. For now, my heart will just ache but not yet break.