ephesians 6:4

Ahhh...June.

Coming from the mall and passing by National Bookstore made me wish I was buying school supplies. The fresh smell of new notebooks, clean lines of Mongol No. 2, colorful erasers that looked like pastilles, and the happy color of yellow pad. I love June. I love it after September, which is my all out favorite month of the year. June reminds me of beginnings, hope of better things, and new stuff that won't happen again until the next year.

So I was standing there watching people. Watching mothers trying to police their children and makings sure they are getting the cheaper priced supplies. I watched children point, beg, coerce and even throw a tantrum because they wanted a cooler looking notebook.

It was fun...until depression started to set in and I had to get away from that place because I was hyperventilating. The kids running, the mothers bitching and teenagers hanging with their barkada was getting into me. I quickly walked out. That was no place for me. Suddenly those things gave me an avalanche of memories and it wasn't a happy place anymore.

But no matter how fast I walked out the bookstore the things that was crowding my brain was inescapable. I'm still not over the message the Colonel sent me. I have pushed it way way waaaaaaaaay back in my mind but it was damn persistent. Every time I hold my phone it felt heavy. The message he sent felt heavier and heavier as the days pass by. I felt irritation sweep over me and yet the guilt permeates more. I feel the ball is now in my court and I am the sourpuss who wants the game over. Gah!!! What to do. What to do. I often know what to do but his message was an uppercut.

I want to ignore the message. Completely. Because if I don't, I will dredge the past and throw it at his face and the General as well. Doing that will let me forgive them, doing that will probably even lessen my disorder.

But I can't. I don't want to do that. Because it means the years of pent up hate and hurt inside would detonate and I wouldn't be able to control it. Despite everything, I don't want to do be free of angst in expense of their own happiness. Truth be told, I want it to be over. I want to be able to see family oriented commercials and not feel pangs of loss. But I have no means yet of finding peace without inflicting the same pain he gave me.

Maybe in time...I don't have a fast forward button and this is the singular moment in my life which I really wish I do. So all will be well. All will be over. All will be happy.