pandora's box

I woke up with a heavy head. The migraine I had the day before had not really gone away even if I downed two 550 mgs of Flanax. I slept over my migraine and as I woke at seven in the morning it was back subtly. I grabbed my Flanax downing another and pulled my phone. I had a message from the Colonel...

“Gud a.m. Hope you are okay, basang*. As I attended the semi-nar on responsible parenting, I re-viewed my life and how parented you. It was not as good as what the LORD wanted parents should do, so I ask you for your forgiveness. I love you in the LORD.”

I rubbed my eyes trying to move my spirit from sleep to reality and read the message again. The message did not change. So I AM awake. And the message is really there. I placed the phone under my pillow and felt the pull of Flanax bring me to sleep land again.

In my sleep I dreamt of the message and my mind was working on how to respond to it. How do YOU respond to that sort of message? Do you say I forgive you and all the years are done for? Do you grip on the angst and resentment but be polite by saying okay? I was speechless even in my dreams. But as I dreamed a box of memories I have long ago hid and bolted opened and out came the past pain, hurt, and abandonment...

How do you respond to such apology?

After asking my mother to get rid of me when I was still in her womb.

After being given a name to remind him that I have to be loved.

After years of being ignored.

After years of being asked to face the wall.

After years of being hit by a belt buckle.

After years of being slapped, kicked, and dragged.

After years of being pinched because I would laugh so much.

After being asked to leave the house and not come back at the age of seven.

After being carted to my aunt's house at the age of nine because he would not support my education.

How do you respond to such apology?

After throwing all my paintings and my art.

After being raped at the age of eighteen and be told I deserve it because I'm a flirt.

After being told not to kiss him because he felt Judas was kissing him.

After looking at me in surprise that I graduated with honors and saying “May utak ka pala anak?!?” (You have a brain, child?!?)

After being told that “if I can hit you until you die I would” and then afterwards tell me he has an illegitimate son.

After being beaten up by him when he found out I felt I was adopted.

After being told that I am of only using him as a source of money.

After shouting at me because I was pushed by his favorite child in an empty pool.

After showing preference over all my other siblings except me.

After being told that I am the greatest regret of his life.

How do you respond to such apology?

After being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder caused by your parents.

After shouldering the expense of therapists and drugs.

After knowing that I have a mental disorder and being told they knew about it all along but being told they did not know how to handle me.

After all the physical, emotional, psychological and even spiritual abuse...

How do you respond to such apology?

I want to tell him he's too late, the damage has been done. I want to tell him I forgive him but I question the veracity of such words. I want to tell him it's been so long ago that I can't remember it but I do like it was only yesterday. I want to tell him I regret living too because it caused me this much problems. I want to tell him I'm sorry for being in his life and causing him to be a bad parent but I know it isn't my fault. I want to turn back time and let him start over but that isn't possible. I want to tell him I'm grateful for being alive even if there are too many painful memories, but I know in my heart it isn't true.

But I am speechless whether in sleep or awake. So I sit here typing...enduring the return of the memories long ago I I have buried while the message in my phone waits to be replied to.

*Basang - and Ilocano endearment for little girl