Secrets, everyone has them. No matter how candid you are people keep secrets. I don’t know what the reasons are, but usually it’s rooted from deep-seated fears and insecurities. But there are also some things we do, think, or say that sets us apart and makes us unique. And then now and then a trend happens in the internet or specifically in Facebook/Friendster where you answer a list of questions. I’ve read those notes, those posts, and those shout outs. And while some questions have almost gotten me to copy and paste it with my answers and tag it to my 197 “friends”, I haven’t really done it because I find the entire process meandering. Since the questions listed in these posts are posed in a hypothetical manner I find the answers shallow and irrelevant in my desire to know that person more. I still want to quench people’s curiosity of the real me, so I made my own list. Of course if you know me, you know I am not much of a follower and most times do things differently.
Everything you will read here is true, whether if be funny, sad, painful, shocking... it’s all me. If you view me a lesser person or a lesser woman after reading it, I can take it. If you view me much the same or more *insert compliment here*, let me know please so I can thank you.
1. I find it easier to trust others than myself.
2. But at times I am quick to judge people as well.
3. There had been one point in my life when I shaved my head.
4. I had been cheated on before.
5. It was at that point when my cheating ex shook me so hard and my head banged on the wall that I became physically violent.
6. I've learned to master being apathetic rather than get angry because of that. Even if I can justify it as protecting myself, the thought of me enjoying shooting him with a gun that moment horrified me.
7. I've always felt the odd one in my family. That feeling was so strong that when I was six I asked my mother if I was adopted.
8. I have no baby pictures. My older sister has a special baby album, my brother has special baby albums, my youngest sister has so many putting it in an album is impossible.
9. I'm still afraid to ask my parents why I don't have baby pictures. It's what they say that I fear.
10. I long to find my half-brother and build a strong relationship with him.
11. I was proposed to twice. The first one I said no. The second one I said yes but did not push through, obviously.
12. I sleep naked. Unless my sister sleeps beside me.
13. I'm messy. But like most messy people, there is order in my mess.
14. When I say "I love you" I don't expect the person to say "I love you" back.
15. I say "I love you" even if I know for a fact my love is unrequited.
16. Dancing on top of my bed wearing only undies is my way of relaxing.
17. I love challenges.
18. But I'm learning to be smart which challenges to accept.
19. I can smoke a joint, but only if I want to. Which is rare.
20. Out of the handful serious relationships I had I only introduced one guy to my parents. It was embarassing to reveal to them after a month that we broke up because he was cheating on me.
21. I gave my graduation speech in Filipino even if I'm more fluent in english.
22. I'm afraid of having babies. I fear being worse than my mother as a mother.
23. Despite my fear of raising children, I want to have some.
24. Only once did I cry because of frustration with my boss.
25. I've learned that God does not say "because I said so" when I ask Him "why".
26. I feel shame that I can't put my faith in God the same way a kid trusts her dad.
27. Break ups and boys don't make me cry anymore.
28. But beautiful love stories do.
29. I've lost some friends because of owed money they didn't repay and refuse to account for.
30. I have the gift of discernment.
31. Many times though I didn't heed it because I often give people the benefit of the doubt. In the end, my initial perception had always been correct.
32. I get angry when people whine and say they had no choice to justify their wrongful actions.
33. I had begged to be loved once. I lost my self-respect and decided no guy is worth losing my self respect for.
34. I had never been bothered by what people think of me. It's what I think of myself that matters most.
35. I don't believe that you can learn to love someone.
36. Neither do I believe in love at first sight.
37. I am fond of many places but I don't have any one particular place I can consider "home".
38. Finding out I acquired herpes was the hardest phase in my life.
39. Revealing it to a guy I really like is the most difficult.
40. Before writing #38, only my family and four other people knew about it. It was a my dark and twisted secret.
41. Writing about it now is like being released from bondage. People will tattle or be disgusted and some will pity and I can’t have sex anymore. But it’s not the end of the world.
42. I'm a kid at heart.
43. It wasn't until my older sister went to university that I felt a strong desire to bond with her.
44. I used to cut classes so I can pursue my job as a dj.
45. I believe that everyone is superficial as much as everyone lies. They just vary in degrees.
46. I used to hate that my older sister is always right.
47. Saying "I'm sorry" is not easy for me.
48. But when I say it I actually mean it.
49. There are times I get tired of being a strong person.
50. I cheated once in High School. Shame was there. But pride has kept me from repeating it.
51. The fact that I’m a very good liar scares me.
52. Being single and not in a relationship does not bother me. The people who pick on my being single and not in a relationship does.
53. Talking to me condescendingly pisses me off.
54. Cello is my favorite musical instrument.
55. When someone tells me a secret, I forget what they shared so I won’t tell.
56. I am grossed by snakes. I will not buy or even touch anything that looks like snake skin. Even if it’s an imitation.
57. I am anal-retentive about my cooking. Telling me how to do it when I don’t ask for your advice is one of my pet peeves.
58. The last time I watched a horror movie I hyperventilated.
59. Oftentimes, I had always been mistaken as a hooker when I was working at the call center.
60. I don’t eat breakfast.
62. I would rather have cold juice in the morning than coffee.
63. I eat like a guy but my body does not give justice to the copious amounts of food I ingest.
64. Music is an integral part of my life. So much that there is always a song in my head and I can’t help myself at times to sing it aloud.
65. For a time I dabbled on theater.
66. I am not a registered voter in the Philippines. I find the politics there too dirty and the politicians deceitful that I will not waste my time, energy, and trust on those scums.
67. I am not homophobic.
68. I don’t say “I love you (too)” unless I mean it.
69. I’ve always been passionate in helping people.
70. Despite my competitiveness, I don’t vie for the medal or glory. I derive pleasure from outwitting the competition.
71. I used to dislike my name.
72. It’s the challenge of the job or project that drives me, not the salary and never the praise from my superiors.
73. I have to put a lot of effort in focusing on what I am doing because I get distracted easily.
74. Even if I’m drunk I can recall events and conversations that happened during my drunken state.
75. I am very good with my hands (yes, that statement is very very loaded).
76. It never concerns me when people say I look older than my older sister.
77. I used to be very depressed when I was a kid that at one point I almost committed suicide.
78. I can admit that therapy worked for me.
79. I am very loyal to my friends, but also frank.
80. When it comes to my family, I walk away when they say mean or cause me pain rather than fight back.
81. For everyone else, I would give them a piece of my mind.
82. I don’t ask ridiculous questions like “Am I fat?”or “What are you thinking?”
83. I still giggle.
84. Me dying young is more appealing than old, wrinkly, and being incontinent.
85. I appreciate it when people correct me if I’m wrong even if how they say it sometimes stings.
86. I can’t tolerate incompetent people.
87. Like everything in this world I believe nothing lasts, including love.
88. I stopped playing tennis for some time because I was afraid only my right arm will be tone and muscular. Silly, I know.
89. I get bored with men who don’t know what a “conversation” is.
90. When a guy says I’m hot the first thing that comes in my mind is “I know, tell me something else” I don’t say it though because I know men first appreciate looks.
91. Self-righteous Born Again Christians has turned me off from religion.
92. Despite having a lot of gay friends, my gay-dar is broken.
93. I’m not a perfectionist, I am detail-oriented.
94. I am very good at accounting.
95. I am not a writer. I can’t string words into eloquent sentences as my younger sister. But I write because that’s how I process my thoughts.
96. My spoon, fork and knife has to match when I eat.
97. I have only felt hatred to a singular person in my life. My rapist.
98. Despite the many hurts inflicted on me, I can still absolve people from the hurts they’ve given.
99. I am an optimistic realist. I hope to get and keep something or someone I really really like, but I won’t feel any spite if I don’t.
100. I keep on learning, relearning, and unlearning. It’s how I become better.
101. Writing this post is the hardest I've written so far. Maybe it will be the hardest I will write ever. It dredges very painful memories, reveals my darkest secrets, shows my vulnerability and the emotions I felt then are coming to me now like I felt them the first time.
Ginang | September 17, 2009 at 8:55 PM
D, you are beautiful in your humanity. Thank you for sharing your process.
D | September 17, 2009 at 10:09 PM
Thank you Lora! You always made me feel loved, accepted and "normal" :D my heart swells with joy knowing we are family