I watched Sesame Street when I was young. Besides learning Spanish, Mr. Snuffleupagus is not just Big Bird’s imaginary friend, and Miss Piggy has a serious case of narcissism and bipolar disorder, I learned about decision making. There is a segment where a little boy was holding a helium balloon and was voicing his thought, “If I pop this red balloon, it will make a loud sound. If it makes a loud sound, it will wake up my sleeping sister. If my sleeping sister wakes up because of the pop, she will start crying. If she starts crying, my mother will get angry. If my mother gets angry, I won’t get milk and cookies for my snack.”
How elementary the producers and writers made decision making seem. What they failed to teach was how conflicting emotions will combat in your heart and mind. Even if we are raised right or our principles are well driven in our being, there will be instances and situations when our moral compasses will alter and we would make loathsome, undignified, and disconcerting choices. And there are also situations when our moral compasses are aligned or realigns and we make principled and well-founded resolution. But whether we choose what is right or choose what is wrong or choose what is wrong but then correct it by choosing what is right we go through a singular emotion that is not all the time warranted. Regret.
It is quite natural to feel regret when we do the wrong thing. But why is it, when we do the right thing, a part of us regrets it? The desire to take back what we have done, do something, do something else, or not do anything at all shakes us. I find it ironic that even if we do it or not do it (the right thing) we still experience regret. And when doing the right thing matters the most and to reverse the decision is
I am not overly concerned how one deals with their regrets. There is no right or wrong for answer for that. Okay, maybe there is, but I am not in a position to judge what is right or wrong in that arena. However, I am more bothered why we feel it even if we are doing the right thing. Ideally, when we choose to do the right thing we should feel a sense of triumph, maybe somewhat smug about it. But remorse?! That emotion seems so out of place.
When you think about it, doing the right thing often means sacrifice rather than gain, inconvenience rather than ease, being alone rather than well-liked. Sacrifice, inconvenience, loneliness all seem like a steep price to pay for the doing (or not doing) and saying (or not saying) what is right. Yet there are times (and I hope “all the time”) we do what is right despite how much it costs us but to feel regret on top of it is overwhelming.
My life has been roomful of helium balloons which most I’ve popped making me unworthy of milk and cookies. And while I enjoy milk and cookies, I do not live for them. I am not saying I can’t help but pop the balloons and cause a racket or make people hurt and cry. I am saying as much as I would prefer a life without remorse, I brave it and pop the balloons that I must.
Whether I choose right or wrong, I have weighed all the risks at all it's angles and as much as I know I will hurt more people and more of myself by choosing what is wrong or what is right, I choose either simply because the question "what if..." looms in either direction and what that question looms, I've resolved not to live in regret because of that. I would rather have regrets about not doing what people said or think should be or should not be done rather than regret not doing what my heart has led me to and be inconsolable with wonder of what my life would be like or had been if I only just been myself. It's a hard choice to make. A strenuous code to live by. Often times I've pained more than I've pained others. But I am driven not by selfishness nor anger neither am I moved by depravity.
Over the years of making choices I am slowly able to accept the pain that comes with it gracefully, cherish the joys timidly, and resolve the regrets with humility. Hopefully, when the time of accounting is upon me, I can say with confidence and conviction that if I had to live my life over again, I’d do it all the same.
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