a lie's worth

George Orwell said "In times of universal deceit, telling the truth will be a revolutionary act."

In military school, my father lived by the code of Courage, Integrity, Loyalty. Growing up, we lived by that as well. We were raised not to lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate among us those who do. The cheating and stealing I was able to avoid. But the lying somehow stuck. It's hard to tell the truth when you get hit or, the least, get shut down by your own father. Having this encounter made me an adept liar. The lies I had fabricated when I was growing up were so good there was a point I myself couldn't tell the difference. But I wish I was always truthful to myself and to the people I care about. I wish I wasn't afraid of the bad possibilities of telling the truth. I wish that people I love can accept the truth when I say it. I wish truth doesn't always hurt.

We'd find it odd that despite the technological advancement, educational attainment, or plain life experiences we'd be wiser and have integrity or at least tell the truth when it matters especially when it matters the most. But more often we don't. We hide the truth behind white lies, small lies, and just not opening our mouths and spilling it.

We justify that what they don't know won't hurt them anyway or be all Machiavellian and shrug our shoulders seemingly brushing off the guilt that starts to permeate our conscience. But do we really not hurt them? And does the end really justify the means? I don't think so.

Despite the fact of knowing and understanding the probable and often times painful consequences of our actions we still lie to people not realizing we're actually lying to ourselves. We do it because of fear...fear of rejection, fear of intimacy, fear of being labelled, fear of being alone, fear of seeing who we really are. It's a catch 22.

Trust, they say, is earned. How ironic. Because despite this old adage we lie blatantly and indirectly to earn people's trust. And it's not simply the people we encounter at the grocery checkout or the paper boy, we deceive the people who matter most to us. The same people we make breakfast for in the morning, the ones we kiss goodbye, the ones we hug and say we love them, the ones we care most.

There is no lie that will be kept hidden forever. Eventually the truth eases out through circumstances or simply confession. Simply confession. There is nothing simple about confession, most times it's even harder than telling the truth the first time it was called for. For confession brings about another wave of fear...yet the same fears that has plagued us when we were wrestling with telling the truth or not.

It is a vicious cycle. When the truth is too painful to deal with, too difficult to face, too overwhelming to say we lie to ourselves first and the cowardness becomes our false bravado that encourages us to deceive others as well. Yet when the truth has finally emerged and regret starts to happen it is our one chance to rise above the lie and accept the consequences of the wrong choice we've made. That one chance is our redemption, maybe not from the person whose trust was broken, but a redemption to ourselves.

But then redemption is not always gonna happen. We can never be sure that if we lie today to this person the consequence we might face will not break us. And if we really digest this and understood the ramifications...why bother lying in the first place? Why bother lying at all when the fear is nothing compared to the outcome of a lie outted...