beyond the scoreboard

If love does not know how to give and take without restrictions, it is not love,

but a transaction that never fails to lay stress on a plus and a minus. ~ Emma Goldman

Even as early as children we are taught to be competitive. It is instilled by our parents to get the highest marks, the first pick in soccer, to win in every sport or contest. And we try as much as we can to do it to please them and gain more favor in their eyes. But there are moments we lose also. While there are parents who will not tolerate losing as they equate this to a form of failure, some parents try to console by saying its only a game and the important thing is having fun. As children, we try to agree but deep inside we can’t wait to get back and play again, compete again, prove them wrong again, come out as a winner again. After all isn’t that how we all came to be where we are at now, survival of the fittest.

As we transition from childhood to adulthood, our sense of competitiveness doesn’t die. It only gets honed as we move from the playgrounds to the rat race. We become more cunning and more cut-throat. Now it’s not about having fun but winning and getting what we want whether it’s the next raise, the office with the view, the latest steal, or even an argument.

But in reality, when all the chips are down, it’s not about who has the bigger score but how we played the game. We know this but often forget while in the middle of the game when only the number of goals are counted. So we end up shoving people, stepping on them, hurting them and then justifying shit happens like the pain we cause others is some freak of nature or natural calamity that only God can explain.

As I ran the treadmill today I tried to reassemble the events that transpired earlier with the fight I had with someone. I knew it was my fault, I knew that as much as I will try to justify the way I treated him I knew I was only trying to convince myself and poorly at it. What started as a casual banter soon became a competition for me. I wanted to be the one holding the power in the relationship which is not really good for me neither am I qualified to. As I looked down the treadmill screen and read 3.48 miles, I felt my body was still pushing itself when usually I would be somewhat tired already. It was adrenaline, I reasoned, even though I knew deep down it was a cocktail of anger, guilt, and regret that was driving me to run more. And it was fear that was keeping me from stopping. I knew that when my legs stop moving I would have to come home and face the answers to why I did what I did, but it was the greater fear of the consequences of what I have done that was keeping me on the treadmill.

But like all games, there are time limitations. I can only run so much and had to eventually get into the decision round. I suppose when we’ve brainwashed ourselves to think that there are only winners and losers in a game then it does get difficult for us to accept decisions that do not favor us. I knew that I was going to lose this one no matter how brilliant my plan is. I can never justify what I have done, and even if I could (which is so unlikely) I wouldn’t be able to live with myself because I know I’d only try to deceive myself and him. But then when you really think about it, does it really matter who wins an argument when the cost of winning means losing the person you’ve had an argument with? And when you think of it in those terms, does it really matter that you’ve lost when you’re actually winning a human being, saving a relationship, growing in understanding, becoming a better person...

To humbly take the decisions of a lost fight or to accept the consequences of our poor judgement calls are necessary pains. Somehow by confessing to him that it was my over-competitiveness that caused the frakkin’ mess earlier made me realize my weakness and turn it into strength. After being such a bad player today, I also realized that when you want to be in a relationship with someone it means not being in competition against that person. After all, it’s not a relationship if one strives to win something by defeating the one you are connected to.