a love letter to my future boyfriend

I know chivalry is somewhat extinct, it has grown old as the medieval times the word has come from. Young people don’t court one another anymore. The damsel in distress does not get saved. And most of all we don’t write love letters.

But this one is intended to be a love letter. But I think if you ever read this you’d categorize me as one of the many crazy bitches you’ve dated and give me an “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. For starters, you don’t exist. Let me rephrase that... you do exist, I’m just unaware of your existence. Somewhere out there you are living life and one day you and I will meet, fall in love in time, and be like those fairy-tale books with a picture of a prince and princess together and the words “happily ever after”. This is what my future tells me. Or rather what I am suppose to believe in. The kind of love that constricts your heart and give you a stomach full of butterflies. The kind of love that lasts all seasons. The kind of love that you just can’t get enough. The kind of love that triggers your jaded belief because it’s 2009 and times have changed dramatically. Young people don’t go through the process of starting a relationship naturally. Nowadays things have evolved to drunken (and sober) one-night stands. Start a relationship while still in one. Stubbornly staying in a toxic one. And most times people just opt to cohabit and test the waters, even throw a kid in the mélange usually unplanned. We try to salvage broken relationships and delude ourselves things will go further and improve in a stagnant one. As if these aren’t stupid enough, people marry and divorce so fast even if it’s been quite clear that shacking up, having a baby, or getting a diamond ring are just band aids to deep rooted problems that end up festering and damaging us more. Everyone makes poor choices at times that should have taught us to know better and wise up. But more often than not, we simply repeat our past.

Maybe I do have an old soul as what some people say. Some part of me is old-school and a bit ancient, but it seems everything now is rushed and prematurely forced. We have a quick fix for almost anything, we can have instant meals, and technology is helping us get from one place to another faster. Everyone is running a race, going where is something I have not figured out. We want to get going now, experience things now. And while there is nothing wrong in seizing the moment and living life to the fullest, aren’t some things suppose to happen naturally or even effortlessly? Look at the leaves that change with the passing of seasons, or a baby developing to a toddler or the passing of the day from sunrise to sunset. Don’t you think that there should be some sort of progression in a relationship as well? We jump into bed with someone before we form a friendship with them. And despite the knowledge that such “relationship” is devoid of any foundation we still push forward hoping it will work out still. Which of course is futile as things man builds without a sturdy foundation are meant to fall apart. We’re ensnared in this vicious cycle and try to avoid getting hurt by evading the problem or running away from it like a game of dodgeball. But it seems to me that I am getting hit more and hurt more and benched more. And with each defeat I find it harder to pick myself back up. I’ve grown tired already and lately I’ve been wondering if all this energy I invest on this love crap is worth it. The sardonic side of me knows nothing lasts forever so why bother to continue playing. I should be smart. Play safe. Stay guarded.

I am not erotophobic neither am I frigid, but can we slow down a little. Let me wrap my mind around exactly why you want to be with me and not the bajillion other girls out there. Part of me secretly feels disdain everytime you just can’t wait to get my clothes off when I am wanting to know first how your day went and share some laughter with you. I feel nervous and pressured everytime you talk about getting me to bed. I may not always understand why a guy needs to cover bases so urgently when there’s no World Series to win. I hope you won’t find it emasculating that I want to know you more first. I am not playing hard to get, I will sleep with you and do so with passion when it feels right. I can just ask you to “go with me” on a torn scrap of paper 6th grade-style, or if you like you can just read the signs. Don’t worry, it will be loud and clear. I will show zero interest in other people. I will set aside what I am doing if you need my help. I will show genuine interest in the things you love. And the most obvious sign, I will just ask you if you want to despite the thundering beat of my heart. Well that and the radiant love sick look on my face the moment you walk in the room.

I believe that one of the best parts of having a someone is letting them know they aren’t just anyone. It makes me happy when your eyes sparkle with pride and your face light up, especially knowing I am the reason behind your pleasure. I will not just do the things you like how you like it, I will do my best to evolve as you evolve. I will go the extra mile to show to you how much you mean to me and keep it fresh and exciting even after the beginning of our relationship passes. So please accept the note I leave on top of your shirt as you get off the shower to get dressed for work. Don’t be frightened when I tell you we need to talk because I simply respect your opinion and have a desire to know what you think. Please accept my offer to give you a massage after a hard days work. When I ask “why?” please don’t think I’m being subservient, I actually want to understand you more. And if for you defying the laws of nature isn’t necessary for me to rekindle the feelings that a budding summer romance possesses, I will still reciprocate and echo the passion you feel for me and this is something I will do constantly. With today’s standard of disposable relationships being the norm, my effort should speak volumes.

All I ask is that you recognize these gestures and not take them or me for granted, as I promise to never take you for granted. I know that I come off as intimidating and challenging, but despite my tough exterior I am sensitive and have soft side like all women. Because my heart has been broken in so many places already I find myself getting hurt more easily because of the pre-existing cracks on it. I know I will come off disinterested and guarded. Believe me when I say that I am not doing this to deliberately hurt you or undermine your interest. Don’t take it personally, it’s just who I am. I have good reason not to trust men and their shady ways. I’ve been lied to, deceived, taken advantaged of, led on, and belittled just to name a few. As much as I know that it’s unfair for me to make you “pay” for the errs previous men before you have made with me, please be patient and understand that they have left questions in my mind and my heart is something I protect the most. Despite the fact that I may keep you at a certain distance until a certain level of faith is formed, I hope that you will discover every aspect of me and my world. Because the truth is I wish nothing more than to trust again, this time in you.